I met my husband two years ago in a bar and I picked him up. I was smitten.
He had a good job. He was a full-time dad and was very stable, ethical, and kind. I think I fell in love with his daughter first. She is beautiful inside and out. She’s smart, sweet, and she was kind of my lil mini-me.
Everything I did she wanted to do. I was the first woman who spent any time with her and while she always knew I wasn’t her mom she tried to call me that many times. I always stopped her. I didn’t want to take anything from her. I love my mom and no one can hold a candle to her.
I’m still in love with both of them as I ever was, but I’ll never be her mom unless her mom gives up her prenatal right, and that’s never gonna happen. My husband says there was never drama before we first started dating. As a matter of fact, she took no interest in my step-daughter’s life until I came along. Well, maybe a weekend every few months, but that was the most time she wanted.
Now, she is demanding more time and my husband is more than okay with this. Besides, I like having time to spend just with him. The problem comes in when her mom is a no-show. My husband doesn’t want to deal with the police for my step-daughter’s sake. He wants to keep things civil, and he wants her to know her mom. So, when she was late for pick-ups he allowed her to get his daughter anyway. She was late dropping her off and he said nothing. I don’t get involved. She has threatened me a lot and while I’m not scared, I refuse to deal with it. So, I cut her out. I changed my number. I blocked her on Facebook, and I always tell her when she tries to talk on drop-offs and pick-ups, or at school events that I am unmotivated to have any conversation with her and my husband can handle any concern she has.
She recently found out I was pregnant with my first child, and I’m so happy! I want a boy to round out this family of mine. She keeps my step-daughter days longer than the agreement allows. She wouldn’t respond to my husband and left us waiting in a parking lot for hours when he went to pick my step-daughter. My husband is at his wits in. My step-daughter missed school and had to make up loads of work once we did pick up her up.
Her mother tried to pull me out of the car and started saying, “F**k you! F**k your husband, and f**k your baby!”
I had 911 on the phone in one second, and then I hit her in the face with my shoe. My husband pulled her off of me .The police said we should avoid one another. No one was arrested. My husband wanted to press charges, but how can I do that to my step-daughter. She saw it all and that’s bad enough. She was crying shaking and scared. I was the one hugging her. Her mother kept mouthing off.
I can avoid her mostly, but I have to deal with her being around from time to time. I won’t walk out of my step-daughter’s life. I have never tried to be her mom. My only goal is to be the best female influence I can be. How do I move forward? – Step Mother Blues
Dear Ms. Step Mother Blues,
Well, the first step in being a positive female influence is not to be fighting in front of your step-dauther. The hell you and her mother fighting in front of the child, and you’re pregnant!
The reason it escalated is because your husband refuses to step up, put his foot down, and stop letting her do whatever she wants. He doesn’t put her in her place, and he doesn’t check her when it comes to your step-daughter. He is too busy trying to appease her, and he doesn’t want any type of confrontation. Well, you see where this has gotten you. She feels she can do and say anything she wants, and she’s all up in your face and yelling and screaming like some damn fool.
You should have popped her in her damn mouth! (No, you shouldn’t. LOL!)
Look, if you have already cut her off, changed your number, blocked her on Facebook, and told her to deal with your husband when it comes to their child, then, I would recommend that you should not be doing the drive-bys during the pick-ups and drop-offs. Let him handle it. And, if she is violating the conditions of these arrangements, then he should be documenting all of this, and he should go back to court and present it to the judge. He has to stop being afraid of her, and letting her intimidate him and his family. I swear these folks and their attempts to work things out on their own always end in disaster. That is why you have family court. That is why you have a mediator. That is why he should arrange for supervised visits. That is why he needs to stop being spineless and nutless and get some hair on his chest, and let his nuts swing. Until then, she is going to keep running all over him, and your family.
I recommend that you get a restraining order. This will help you so that you don’t have to engage her, or she can engage you. Why respond to some wild, deranged, and silly woman who is seeking attention. Chile, get a restraining order, and let your husband present that as part of his evidence in court. It will show that she is potentially dangerous, has anger issues, and if she is willing to attack someone in front of her child, then who knows how she may manifest that anger if her child shows attention and affection toward you.
I commend you on attempting to be a great step-mother, and not trying to replace her mom. You’re right, no one can replace a parent. But, I’m sure the daughter will appreciate the fact that you provide her with lots of love, attention, and affection, and she will see the difference of how she is treated between her own mother and with you.
Finally, talk with your husband and tell him he has to take a more proactive and assertive stance with his daughter’s mother. You can let him know that you support him, and you’re there for him, but he has to set the tone for this relationship, and what the future of this arrangement will be. If he keeps allowing her to do whatever she wants, and ignore the arrangements, then, it’s no telling how far she will go. She’s dangerous. She’s threatening. She’s menacing. And, she’s volatile. He needs to stand up to her. And, he better do something soon and quick because once the police start getting involved it will become nastier and messy. – Terrance Dean
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