I’ve dated this man for about 8 months. We fell in love, and we spend the majority of our time together.
He is loving, affectionate, responsible, stable, secure…everything I’ve been waiting for. Having not met his children, or visited his home, I began questioning him a few months ago.
Then, what do you know, I’m pregnant! Once I told him I was pregnant he began to spill the beans, and I am devastated!
Although, they are not dating, he still lives with the mother of his children, two to be exact. He also lied about his age. He told me he was 30 years when he really is 37 years old; 13 years my senior!
He says that the relationship with his children’s mother “is complicated” because both names are on the deed of the house, and then of course because of the kids. Ultimately, he says that he loves me and has been stuck with a “roommate” that he dislikes. He’s so sorry and didn’t want to tell me for fear of losing me. He wants us to be together and is going to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
So, do I wait on him to get his -ish together and move out, despite her expected backlash? Or, do I let go of my “picture perfect” family? – Ms. Hurt and Impatient
Dear Ms. Hurt and Impatient,
Sigh! Here we go with this bull-ish, again!
How the hell do you fall in love with a man after dating 8 months, but you’ve never been to his home, and you’ve never met his children? How is this possible? How do you not know where your man lives? How do you not meet the most important people in his life, but claim you’re in love?
I don’t understand why some of you women will date a man, let him lay up in your house, continue to go on dates, but you have not nary clue or idea as to where he lives, where he works, who his children are, never met his parents, and don’t know his siblings. You know nothing about him, but claim you’re in love. In love with what? The idea of love!
No, no, no, no! That’s not how this works. This isn’t how any of this works!
If you haven’t met his children by 6 months of dating, even 8 months of dating, then he’s not serious about you. Hell, you haven’t met his children, parents, or anyone close to him within 6 months, and, you’ve never been to his home, then know that you are a side chick, or some woman he is only sleeping with.
Before you commit yourself to a man you have to know where he lives, and you should have made several visits to his home. You should be in his home and see if there are any indicators as to – 1.) If he lives alone; 2.) If there are signs that another woman lives there or another woman visits frequently; 3.) You should know how long he’s lived there alone; 4.) When he was last in a relationship; and, 5.) If any woman pops up, or shows up unexpectedly with her own keys, or knocking on the door.
But, because you’re so thirsty, so desperate, and so hungry to have a man you let 8 months go by, then, you end up pregnant, and now he’s singing like a canary telling you that he lives with his children’s mother, and both of their names are on the deed to the house. HUH?
Girl, that is a lie. His name is nowhere on no damn deed to anybody’s damn house! He lives with her. Then, this fool is talking about their relationship “is complicated,” and he’s stuck living with a roommate he doesn’t like. Well, move and leave if you dislike your roommate, your children’s mother. Leave if you don’t want to be there and go be with the woman you really do love, and that you knocked up and got pregnant. Oh, my bad, that would be you, sweetie.
And, for the record, she is not his children’s mother. She is his wife! Don’t let that fool keep lying to you. He doesn’t want you to call her up, or show up to his house and confronting her. He doesn’t want you to reveal his infidelity and that he’s been cheating on his wife for 8 months and got another woman pregnant. Honey, you sit over there and listen to his lies all you want, but he’s telling you everything you want to hear so you don’t mess up his happy home.
He’s going to keep lying to you, making up story after story after story of why he can’t leave, and how it’s soooooo complicated. Of course it’s complicated, he’s married, and he has no desire to leave his wife. You were the side chick, and he got you pregnant. Now, he’s back peddling and trying to figure out what to do.
All that talk about him being sorry for not telling you the truth because he didn’t want to lose you, and that he really loves you and is going to do whatever it takes to be with you is a lie. You are nothing but a pregnant side chick.
Therefore, call up his wife, and introduce yourself. Tell her all about your relationship with her husband, and the lies he told you. Tell her you’re pregnant, and the continued lies he said about them. You didn’t know how many children he actually had, and that you were his wife. You tell her that he lied about his age, and their living situation. Tell her you’re sorry and that you didn’t know about her. He never told you the truth, and now you’re going to be a blended family. Let her know that you are no longer sleeping with him, and that it’s over. Once the child is born you go to court and get full custody of the child. Then, you put him on child support and move on with your life.
He has nothing more to say to you, and you shouldn’t allow him to continue lying to you. See the situation for what it is and stop putting your head in the ground and ignoring the facts. Handle this situation, and stop letting him handle you. – Terrance Dean
Photo courtesy: Shuttershock
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!