Dear Bossip: My Husband Won't Sleep With Me Because I Gained Weight

Dear Bossip,

I’m a 26 year old married woman with a beautiful two and a half year old daughter.

My husband is Active Duty Military and I’m a Registered Nurse, currently pursuing my Master’s Degree in Nursing. To be honest with you, I’ve lost myself in trying to balance life. I am currently working full-time/Monday-Friday and trying to balance my family, school, and my daughter’s extracurricular activities (gymnastics & swimming). When I get home it’s cooking, bathing my daughter, and homework.

Well, my husband and I have been having issues with sex for the past two and half years. I have a higher sex drive. I need sex probably 4 days out of the week. I feel like it keeps us connected with or busy lives.

Within these past few years I’ve initiated sex 95% of the time. He doesn’t slap me on my a** like he used to, and during my pregnancy. He wanted sex all the time while I was pregnant, but towards the end it became extremely painful so I couldn’t do it as often as he wanted. His attitude has started to change, too. I can guarantee he is NOT cheating on me.

We tried counseling, which didn’t help. I tried buying toys, visiting the adult store, and dressing a bit sexier at night and tossing the bonnet some nights, but I still would not get any kind of reaction. At times, I’d even give him oral and he would claim he’s too tired. I’ve been getting turned down a lot and it makes me feel less than a woman at times.

During these past few years I’ve discussed my concerns and told him I don’t know how long I could live like this. I feel like we’re roommates because we get along most of the time, but the intimacy has died. Oh, and we’ve only been together for 6 years and married for 4 years. My husband can literally have sex once a month, or, once every other month and be fine with that.

He doesn’t grab me and kiss me or touch me in any kind of intimate way like before. I’m a Cancer and I love to be affectionate. Now, I’ve complained so much and asked him to go get checked to see if his doctor could order labs for his testosterone and thyroid levels which could be a factor in why his libido is dead. He decided to go after I begged him and gave him an ultimatum. If he didn’t go I was moving out and getting myself and our daughter a separate living space.

I get rejected for simply wanting to hug and kiss. He just pushes me away when I touch him in any kind of intimate way and when I try to have sex. He’s always too tired. After his results came back normal, he told me that he needed to tell me something, but he knew it would hurt my feelings and of course my heart dropped. But, he told me that he was no longer sexually attracted to me because I had gained weight.

Now, when my husband and I met I was 160 lbs, and 5’4, and wearing a size 8-10. When we got married I was 185 lbs, and after I delivered our daughter I weighed 225 lbs. After my pregnancy I got on a regimen of eating no carbs, and I some of the weight and go down to 190 lbs. Now, I’m at 210-215 lbs, and in a size 14, since it fluctuates.

I feel so pressured to lose the weight. I was okay when he told me his true feelings, but I was a bit upset at the same time because for two and half years we had been having this issue in our marriage. And, I’ve asked him if my weight gain was an issue and he said no to me, and he also

said no in counseling.

Now, I hate if he comes around me if I’m naked. I feel super gross and it’s not like my stomach is hanging over my vagina. My body is very proportionate and plus-sized, but oh so sexy in my opinion. He always looks at petite women like he’s attracted to them. I’ve never been a super skinny woman and I keep my hair laid, make-up, mani & pedi on Fleek. I don’t don’t walk around here looking any kind of way. My body is proportionate, but I know I need to lose weight for myself.

I just feel discouraged because it’s been stressing me out. I got a personal trainer two months ago and I’ve been meal prepping and I’ve already lost 15 lbs. Now, we’re both from Louisiana (the home of the big booty, thick girls) and we’ve moved to California (where all the petite women reside) and I feel like he’s pressuring me into looking like them, when I’m truly a southern girl.

The sad part is he doesn’t encourage me to lose weight. He comes to the gym at times, but he always wants to stop by a fast food restaurant and get a burger and fries. And, it’s just hard for me to resist because before I started this regimen I was always eating on the go and buying that kind of stuff. I asked him to eat healthier and not encourage me to participate in those bad eating habits because of my vulnerability, but he consistently continues to do it.

Someone told me that once I lose the weight I’ll probably want to leave him. I just want to be able to reconnect with my husband on an intimate level. I want to feel his warm body on top of mine, but many of nights I toss and turn because I’m extremely horny. Oh, and, he hates sex toys. I bought me a dildo that corresponded with his size, so he wouldn’t be jealous, and he has threatened to throw all my stuff away. Please give me feedback. – One Horny Wife

Dear Ms. One Horny Wife,

For two and half years your husband has been lying to you about his reasons for not having sex with you. For two and half years your husband has refused to be intimate with you, and have led you to believe that something else was going on. For two and half years he has been deceptive, misleading, and going through all of these motions of attending counseling sessions, and going to doctors because he didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Sweetie, I’m going to say this and I hope you have learned by now that you don’t know your husband as much as you may think you do.

If he can lie to you, engage in this charade, and pretend for two and half years, then I’m sure there are other things he’s not telling you, or have not told you. And, you can be as adamant as you want that he is not cheating, but for two and half years what you thought you knew, well, you didn’t know. And, he hasn’t been sexually active with you.

And, let’s be clear. He admitted that he is not sexually attracted to you because of your weight gain, yet, he is not supportive of you in helping you to lose the weight. What the hell!?!? He won’t go to the gym with you. He continues to eat unhealthily, and stops at fast food places and orders whatever he likes without any regard that you are struggling with making healthy food choices and staying committed to your eating regimen. He’s a jerk!

So, you have two options – First, you can express your concerns to him that you don’t find him supportive or motivating since he finds you so repulsive and doesn’t want to have sex with you because of your weight gain.

You can share with him that you need for him to be motivating and encouraging, and to be on your team with eating and living a healthier lifestyle. He can help you cook meals at home, participate in the grocery shopping, and he can stop buying fast food and bringing it home. You can work out together at the gym. You can attend some of the aerobic classes, or spin classes together. You can walk together in the evening, or in the morning. But, you need him on board, and to be supportive.

You need him in your corner and to be part of this and not discouraging you. Besides, you have a lot on your plate with raising your child, working a full-time job, and attending school. He should be more encouraging in your efforts, and pitch in with helping around the house, and with your child. This will help you to relieve some of the stressors so you won’t be a stress eater, which seems to be part of the problem for you.

Second, if he doesn’t get on board, then, you have to find a support network, friends, and a group to help you stay motivated to lose the weight. You have a personal trainer, and that is great. However, find a group of friends, or other people at work you can work-out with, and start a group meeting, social media site, or something which helps you to encourage one another and check in on your progress. When you have an accountability partner, then, it helps you to stay focused, and they become sources of inspiration for you. With workout partners you can go to the gym together, attend Yoga classes, and even do morning or evening walks together. These groups or partner workouts are great ways to connect with friends, and lose weight together. You can call on them when you’re feeling vulnerable and need that extra push. You can reach out to them when you are having sweet cravings, or junk food cravings. They support you and vice-versa.

Once the weight is off, and you are where you want to be, then, as someone said you may not want to be with your husband anymore. You may choose to leave him. Who knows what will happen. But, the main goal is to do this for you. Eating and living healthily is a way of life. You have to adjust and change your eating habits. You have to be accountable and responsible for yourself. Most importantly, you take it one day at a time. Each day is a new day, and a new day to make choices that work for you. When you make these steps, and you’re eating healthy, feeling good, and you begin to change in appearance, you will feel better and look better. You will be happy with yourself.

When you’re out with your husband plan in advance what meals you’re going to order. Don’t be consumed by the menu, the choices, or what you’re accustomed to eating. If you stick with a specific order, then, you won’t be tempted to get the burger. When you commit to a certain meal, or way of thinking, then, you will change your habits. Another option is that you can carry a healthy snack pack with you so you won’t be tempted when he’s ordering things that are tempting.

It’s sad and unfortunate that your husband is withholding sex from you because of your weight. Yet, he had no problem with having sex with you prior to your pregnancy, and during your pregnancy. He obviously doesn’t know how the female body works after pregnancy, and how difficult it is to lose the baby weight from carrying his child. So, you can share with him how you feel, and how he makes you feel by not being intimate with you. You can ask him what it will take for you two to get that spark back in the bedroom. If he continues to complain about your weight, and how he’s not attracted to you, then you have to make some hard choices of whether you can stay with someone who doesn’t find you attractive, and doesn’t want to have sex with you. As hard as it may be to admit to yourself, you have to recognize that for two and a half years your husband has started checking out of the marriage. He has to want to recommit to you and the marriage. If not, then it may be time to leave. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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