My husband and I have been together for almost 3 years and have been married for almost 2 years.
We have 2 children (my son from a previous relationship and our daughter), and it has not been all marital bliss.
When I first started dating him I got a call from his ex girl-friend. He and I got into an argument about it. He apologized for her calling me. He said he would handle it, and he changed his phone number. Well, about 6 weeks before our wedding she calls me (after I had already changed my phone number because my son’s father was calling/texting and wouldn’t leave me alone), and came up to my job to show me the text messages between the two of them.
A few of them from him said he loved her. Both she and I were oblivious to the fact that he was still talking to the other. After he changed his number, I didn’t think anything else of it. Well, after she came up to my job (mind you that he and I worked together and that’s where we met), he came up there, pulled a gun on her in front of me and her kids (she had her kids in the car when she came to my job) and threatened to kill her.
Well, once again, he changed his number. About 3 months into our marriage (and 4 months into my pregnancy), I once again found out that he was still talking to her. I confronted him about it and it was an all out war. She has called me on more than once occasion since then. She was able to tell me how I went into premature labor, she’s been around my daughter, and she has taken pictures of her and sent them to me. He has taken pictures of himself and sent them to her, but did not send them to me. She has pictures of him on her web photo album, and has given herself his last name. She said that he told her that marrying me was a mistake and we were in the middle of a divorce. She said when she asked him for the divorce papers, he said he lost them.
To make matters worse, she even showed up on our doorstep the day after Christmas. Of course, he knows nothing about how she found out where we live or how she got the pictures of our daughter or pictures of him.
Should I stay or should I go? I really don’t know what to do. – Too Dumb To Leave
Dear Ms. Too Dumb To Leave,
You should have left a long time ago.
When she came to your job and showed you the text messages, and he pulled a gun on her in front of her children, that was the moment you should have exited and never looked back. If he can pull a gun on a woman in front of her children, then, he will do the same to you.
He’s volatile, dangerous, and it’s obvious he still has something going on with the other woman. She is sending you all the information and details of their affair, but you refuse to believe it. I’m sorry, but what will it take for you to have enough? What is your breaking point? What is your absolute “I’m done!” moment?
She has shown up at your house. She has pictures of him and your child. She’s taken his last name and posted it on social media. He keeps lying to you saying he’s changed his number, but she sends you the text messages going on between them, and he is confessing his love for her.
Now, she could be a crazy stalker ex-girlfriend who just won’t go away. It’s not hard to get someone’s number. So, she could be making all this up, and he is probably telling her what she wants to hear in the hopes that she will go away. And, maybe she can’t take ‘no’ for an answer and she is taking the photos from his FB page, or your FB page. And, I’m sure it’s not that difficult to find out where you live, especially if she is a stalker. But, if he’s texting and telling her that he loves her, they keep communicating even after he changes his number, and she knows personal information about you, then, you get a restraining order of protection. She’s crazy and he’s crazy.
You then sit with your husband and get the truth. Stop being naïve and stop believing everything he tells you. Tell him to admit the truth of why he is still communicating with her and telling her he loves her. You’ve seen the text messages, so he can’t lie about it. You know she didn’t just show up at your house, there was a reason. So, what is he telling her about you and he? You let him know that you need the truth. No more games. No more drama. And, no more lying. It’s time to come clean. It’s time to put everything on the table so you can make an informed choice of whether you want to stay or leave.
You have more than enough information and most of the details, therefore, why are you afraid to admit the truth to yourself? Are you afraid of losing him, or losing him to her? Are you afraid that you will have to get a divorce, and you will have to start over? You had all the signs and information before you got married, so why did you go through with it? Why overlook the obvious?
Ma’am, this has gotten way out of hand, and you cannot keep ignoring it. Someone is going to get hurt, and between the crazy ex, and your gun-toting husband, it won’t be long before we are watching this story on the ID channel. Save yourself. Save your children from this mess. It’s not worth it. The hard truth is better than an ongoing lie. Stop letting him lie to you, and stop lying to yourself. – Terrance Dean
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