Before you jump to conclusions let me explain my story first. I met my ex-fiancé who I will call “Charles” back in 2007 when I was 18 years old and he was 21 years old.
He was in college and I was in my last month of my senior year. When I graduated we immediately moved to Atlanta and started our life and we both continued school. On February 14, 2010 he proposed and I was thrilled. We had a great relationship. Not perfect, but great. Eight months later I found out I was pregnant, and, on April 3, 2011one month before my graduation, we had our beautiful baby boy.
Right after we had our son things got rocky. We were both stressed. We were both pulled in different directions with school, work, and managing a baby. We would only see each other in passing periodically, and we felt single and alone. So, we eventually split in 2012, but remained good co-parents.
Seven months later, in May of 2013 after the split, I met my current fiancé who I will call “Peter.” He immediately fell in love with my son and that’s what made me fall for him extremely fast. He has no kids, but he has tons of nieces and nephews. He’s also 10 years older than me as well.
He’s kind, gentle, smart, has a great job as a pilot for a well-known airline, but he has a jealous side (only flaw which kind of stems from him being a pilot). We moved into a house we bought in July of 2014 after he proposed on our 1 year anniversary in May in Jamaica. He flew his parents, my parents, and my son out there and it was a surprise and a big party.
In December right after Christmas we got into a huge fight because my car for some reason broke down and I called everyone to come and give me a jump or help, but nobody answered (he was on a flight to Italy). My co-worker (a guy) saw that I was in trouble and he offered me a lift home after the tow truck came. I happily accepted because I needed to be home for my son’s bus.
As soon as my husband came home I told him what happened and he got so upset that a man took me home. It was obviously nothing and I told him that, but I guess an ex cheated on him and he’s been scarred ever since. He called me some names and broke off the engagement and left the house. That night I went over to Charles’s house to pick up my son because it was his night the night before.
Long story short, he saw that I was visibly upset. We talked over a glass of wine, and he comforted me. And, I did the unthinkable. We had sex!!!!!!
Afterwards he told me he missed what we had, but he knows how I feel about Peter and that he’s sorry for taking advantage of my weak moment. We vowed to never have a mishap like that again or speak of it.
Four days later Peter called and said he was sorry for running out on me and that he doesn’t want to break up and that he misses his family and that’s he’s sorry. We went on to enjoy the rest of the holidays. I knew I should’ve told him about me and my ex, but I didn’t want to hurt him and nor did I know how to tell him.
Now, I find out I’m almost 4 months pregnant. I’m excited, but also devastated because I know there’s a big chance it could be Charles’. I feel like a disgusting whore. When I told Peter I was pregnant he was over the moon and excited. He said that we should immediately go down to the court house and get married and then have a big wedding after the baby is born.
But, how the hell can I marry this man with this big deceitful lie? My ex found out I was pregnant because my son told him. He called and told me that he knows the circumstances I’m under, but as a man he would want to know if it’s his child. He said it’s not fair to go about this and not tell Peter. I agreed and told him I don’t know what to do. He told me we could get a secret test after the baby is born and find out that way. But, even though that’s an easy way out I can’t do it! I want to, but I can’t! I need to tell him, but how?
My future is crushed and ruined and I know I will lose him because of a stupid mistake. So, now I’m a whore who doesn’t know who’s the father of her child. – Confused Whore
Dear Ms. Confused Whore,
Are you sure you want to marry Peter, or is he a man of convenience?
I noticed in your letter that you tend to do things “immediately,” and “fast.” You move so quickly, and do things based on emotion rather than carefully and cautiously thinking them through. You are in a hurry for some reason, and then it appears you have “buyer’s remorse.”
Buyer’s remorse is when you purchase something with the immediate impulse, but when you get home you regret your purchase and want to return the item. Well, people do that as well in relationships. They fall for someone quickly based on their fleeting feelings, emotions, and the physical attraction. But, once they really get to know the person they realize they are not compatible, they have nothing in common, and they end up breaking up rather quickly.
Now, you met Peter 7 months after you and your ex-fiance separated after two years. Peter loves your son, and you stated that is what made you fall for him “extremely fast.” So, you took stock of Peter’s situation and your situation. He has no children. He has a great job as a pilot. He makes good money, and he loves your son. Sounds like perfect husband-material. You are a single, raising a child, and you’re not sure if you will ever meet a man, especially as a single parent raising a child. What man will want you? But, BINGO! Peter comes along, and he sounds great on paper. You “fall” for him, and a year later he is proposing marriage.
Follow this logic, sweetie, I know you’re confused. If you really love Peter, and he is the man of your dreams, then you would not have slept with your ex, Charles. Regardless of the situation, your vulnerability, and your weakness you would not have slept with Charles. And, Charles, if he respected you and Peter’s relationship would not have taken advantage of your moment of vulnerability or weakness. He would have respected that you are with another man, and you are getting married. But, he didn’t.
So, you both did what you knew what to do. You slept with each other because you’re not over one another. Charles told you that he missed what you had. Therefore, you haven’t resolved your relationship, and you haven’t addressed the real reason why you broke up. You say you got ended it because of school, work, and managing a baby. You no longer had time for one another, and you both felt single. Well, sweetie, you’re marrying a man who is a pilot. He travels and works frequently, and is rarely home. And, now you’re pregnant with another child. So, what is the difference? What makes the situation different with Peter as opposed with Charles? You’ve only replaced the person. You haven’t resolved the matter at hand.
Did you and Charles explore marriage counseling? Did you explore every option before ending it? Or, were you in such a hurry to resolve the situation, that you immediately and quickly broke up? Hell, you haven’t been single more than a year, and just ended your marriage proposal. It’s barely six months and you’re in a new relationship with another man. You haven’t healed from your previous relationship with Charles. You didn’t resolve anything. You just went through the motions. And, the next available man who came along, especially one with a good career, and who looks good on paper, you jumped on it and moved with expediency. Hell, he’s an upgrade, right?
Therefore, I have no sympathy for you and your situation. You are too quick, too fast, and have this urgent sense of immediacy to do things, and, therefore, you don’t think. You don’t think things through. You’re always looking for a quick fix, and a quick resolution. When you were weak and vulnerable and Charles was there, you felt the best way to resolve your situation with Peter was to sleep with Charles. You were upset about Peter leaving you, and you didn’t want to be alone again, so you resorted to Charles. You went back to what was familiar.
What happens when you marry Peter, and you and he get into another argument or disagreement? Will you run to Charles to resolve your issue? Will your sleep with Charles to make yourself feel better?
Personally, I don’t think you should marry Peter until you resolve your relationship with Charles. There is unfinished business, and feelings. You haven’t gotten to the core of your divorce. It was surface –ish, and not deep rooted issues or challenges. Therefore, resolve them, and work on yourself.
If you marry Peter, and the child comes out looking like Charles, then how will you explain this to your husband? Better yet, God forbid that something happens to the child, and there needs to be testing done, and he finds out the child is not his. Then what? It’s not fair to leave either man in the dark, but it’s truly deceitful and manipulative if you don’t tell Peter, but Charles knows. You will have to live with the burden of knowing and living a lie for yours and your child’s entire life. Looking at your child every day and knowing that he is not your husband’s but your ex’s. How will you resolve this? How will you live with yourself?
You created this situation, therefore be an adult once in your life and stop running from things and deal with them. Take responsibility and own up to what you’ve done. Be an adult and deal with the consequences be what they may be. You can’t keep running from things every time you feel trapped, or overwhelmed. Deal with them so they won’t keep showing up and you keep repeating the same thing over and over again.
Sit and talk with Peter, and tell him the truth. He deserves it. You wouldn’t want him to keep a secret love child away from you. I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate him sleeping with an ex and they have a child and he never tells you. Therefore, talk with him, and once the child is born, then you have a DNA test to determine who is the father of the child. Peter may not want to be with you. He will probably call off the engagement again, and leave you. But, I’m sure he will want to know if there is a chance he is the father of the child. Regardless of what happens, he deserves a say in this matter. You can’t take away from him the opportunity to know if he is the father, and if he wants to be in this relationship.
And, you have to resolve the issue with your ex-fiance. He still has feelings, and it’s apparent you do as well. So, you need to really work on you, your feelings, and what you really want. This will require therapy and counseling. And, you and your ex-husband have to work through this in order that you both move on from one another, or you reconcile. But, you can’t keep this going on any longer, and think you will hopefully fall in love with Peter, and you will outgrow Charles. Sorry. You have some unresolved issues, and you need to deal with them. – Terrance Dean
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