I met a man in last year at a wine tasting gathering. I’m 28 years old, and he is 31 years old.
I could definitely tell there was instant attraction between the both of us. He was everything I was looking for in a potential mate. He is tall, attractive, intelligent, confident the whole nine baby. I was in complete awe of him.
In the beginning, he was pursuing me a lot. For example, I would receive morning text messages when I would get up for work, he would call or text me while I was at work to see how my day was going and we would even talk on the phone at night. He was being the chaser and let’s be honest, what woman doesn’t want that from a man?
A red flag did surface during one of our phone conversations. He told me he was married, but legally separated. He explained to me that he was with this woman who has a child from a previous relationship for three years and they were married for less than a year until they started to have problems. He also informed me that she was living in the house that they shared together until she found something of her own. I didn’t read too much into that because I figured, hey, he is going to divorce her anyways, so it is not so bad if I continue to talk to him, right?!?
Well, we went out on a date two weeks after we met and it was really nice. After the date, things took a different turn. The texts in the morning and calls through the day continued, but the phone conversations at night stop. Weeks went by and he would never initiate a second date. When we would talk he would always mention doing things with his friends, like traveling to Vegas for the weekend, or sometimes going to concerts or events by himself. He would never bring up a second date or even invite me to come hang with him.
Then one day, I just finally asked him out on a second date. He agreed to it, but when it was time for the date he told me that he could not go out with me because he felt “overwhelmed” by all the women he was hanging out with lately and that he needed some time to clear his head. My feelings were hurt and I was crushed. I should have just left him alone…but I didn’t.
Weeks after that incident, he would call or text and I would ignore it. I finally broke down and answered his calls and texts. He gave me the whole sob story and felt bad for what he did. The weird thing is that I still wanted him. Months later we started to have sex. I asked him the first time when we slept together what happens next…he replied, “That I would never be just a hit and run to him.” Of course, the couple times after the sex, the calls and text messages became less. The night calls definitely died and still he has not initiated going out or spending anytime with me.
I asked him what was his deal and he told me that his money was very tight. Meanwhile, he is always out and about every time I ask what his plans are for the weekend, which never involves me. It’s confusing to me because he will go for weeks without calling and texting me and then out the blue he will call me to see how I am doing, inform me on his martial drama (which according to him, wife and step-son moved out this month) and tell me that he misses me. Then another week or two will go by and I won’t hear from until he calls with the same line.
It’s now a year later and I can honestly say that I only seen this man in person 4 times since we met. Why does he do that? If he doesn’t want to be bothered with me then what is his purpose for calling me? Is he into me? Or did I get played BIG TIME. Please help me! – Confused and Upset
Dear Confused and Upset,
Darling, you, my dear, are a booty call. And, not even a regular booty call, but you’re the one on his list when all other women he’s trying to connect with are unavailable. You become the back-up, back-up last resort option.
Girl, why are you wasting your time? He is not into you. He does not want to be in a relationship. And, unlike you, he is dating. And, when I say dating, he is keeping his options open in seeing other women while he has you sitting at home wondering what he is doing. He’s told you that he is overwhelmed by the many other women he is dating and yet you’re wondering about this fool and why he won’t ask you out. Uhm, bird brain, he’s seeing other women. He’s traveling, going out with other women, and his lack of texts in the evenings are a good clue to his whereabouts – the other women. Girl, kick the bucket and put your head in the sand.
Why aren’t you dating? Why aren’t you getting out there and seeing what other potential men are available? Oh, I know, it’s because he presented himself to you as this educated, tall, attractive, and confident man. I see it now. You didn’t listen to him when he told you who he was because you were busy listening with your eyes.
Listen, Ms. Thang, you said he was married, but separated and his wife was still living with him. Hmmmmm, what more of a clue, red flag, or knock upside the head do you need? He is married! He had in-house sex. And, when he wasn’t getting it from her, he would get it from the many women, like you, who made themselves available to him. Oh, girl, you fell for that sob story about how his wife did him wrong and you ran to him to comfort him, and your comfort was in between your legs. Honey, miss me! Don’t play innocent and the damsel in distress routine with me. You knew what you were getting because you proceeded despite your better judgment. You didn’t listen!
The reason he was calling, texting, and going out of his way in the beginning is because you are what men call, ‘New Snatch.’ You know, something he hadn’t sampled yet, and he was going to do whatever he could to get it, and lo and behold, he got it. Once he got it, well, sampled it, he was done. You were no longer a challenge for him. You were no longer a thrill or exciting. And, he moved on. Well, not moved on, he already has a stable of women and now you’re included. You’re a back-up chick, because when the others are not available, guess who he calls? Yup, you!
And, I don’t think for one minute that the many outings he was attending involved him paying for them. I am certain there were other women, or a woman, who is footing the bill. That is why he never asked you out on a second date. Just like you, the other women were so caught up in his good-looks, and confidence, and intelligence that they didn’t mind shelling out the dollars for the dates. They didn’t mind comforting him, like you did, when he poured on the sob story of his horrible marriage, and how he felt all alone. Then the sex came, because like you, that’s all you felt you had to offer him for comfort. Girl, you definitely got a hole in your head.
So, Ms. Confused and Upset, move on! Let him go! Run! Run! Run! Find yourself a man who is single – not married, separated, or living with another woman. Find a man who has no commitments to any other women, or woman. A man who is available for you and only you, and will call you to set up a second, third, and fourth date. A man who is not going to stop texting, calling, and checking in on you. And, girl, make sure you study and re-read my book and put the information to use. It’s all in there. It’s in black and white, with all the examples and every scenario you can imagine. Don’t play the fool again, because as the saying goes, first time, shame on you. Second time, shame on me. Don’t make it a second a time. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!