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Dear Bossip,

I’m not sure what to do. Two years ago I was with the man that I think now was who I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.

But, I cheated on him and he found out. The guy I cheated with is the same man that I am with now and have been with for 2 years, but I am still in love with my ex.

Me and my ex were together for 11 years, and for the most part we were happy. But, there was a lot and I mean a lot of stuff that he didn’t want to let go of and eventually I got tired of hearing it on a constant basis.

He would always have a pity party about how he had a terrible childhood and how nothing seems to go right in his life even though we had a really good thing going. Neither one of us has kids and granted he really couldn’t find a good job. I have one and didn’t mind footing the bill, so to speak, until he got something he enjoyed doing. But, after 11 years of him not being happy with himself I started not being happy with him. He never wanted to go anywhere with me, but always seemed to manage to hang with friends sometimes even after I would ask him not to go.

I began to get lonely so I started using the web and went onto a couple of dating sites where I ultimately cheated on him with my current boyfriend.

Well, my new boyfriend ended up cheating on me with his baby mama, but I forgave him because I felt it was the right thing to do, and also because my ex forgave me. But, there has been incidents that were questionable when it came to my current boyfriend. I’ve found text messages from other females, phone numbers he has hidden in his wallet, and as well as condoms in his wallet. But, of course he denies that he is doing anything, but my suspicions are up!

Now, I’m not sure if I’m just casting my doubts because of the way that we got together or if there really is something going on. Nonetheless, I really do love him and want to be with, but  I’m not going to put myself in the same situation as my ex was in even though he forgave me and we are really good friends.

My boyfriend has some great qualities and I see the potential of what a great man he can be, but I already had the qualities that I’m looking for in my ex and I really and truly do love my ex. I’ve been talking to him recently and I really want to tell him how I feel but I’m afraid that he will reject me and I will lose him and my current boyfriend  if he finds out.

I’m really torn and I don’t know what to do. I want to stick it out with my boyfriend, but there are a lot of things about his character that I’m finding hard to deal with. But, I just don’t want to jump in and out of relationships. And, I’m very close and attached to his kids (3 to be exact LOL), but I keep comparing especially when my boyfriend I have an argument. He can be really condescending and mean, but when we’re not mad it’s really fun being with him. But, not a day goes by that I don’t think about him but then my boyfriend does something to make me laugh or smile and then I’m right back in the same boat, ugh!!  I’m not sure any advice would help!  – Torn Between The 2

Dear Ms. Torn Between The 2,

You women are going to learn tuday about dating the potential in men. You can’t date someone’s potential of who you hope they will become. Everyone has the potential to be something greater, but if he is not that great man now, and he is not doing anything to live into his potential, then that’s all your dating is the hope and wish of what you pray he will become. STOP DATING THE POTENTIAL IN MEN!  It leads you nowhere. If he doesn’t see his own potential, and if he is not doing anything to change his situation, circumstances, or his life, then you are wasting your time!

But, let me get this straight. You left your ex of 11 years because he was in a constant pity party about his life. He barely worked, yet, he was able to hang out with friends instead of being with you. Instead of reflecting on why you spent 11 years with him, and your relationship was stagnant and wasn’t going anywhere you decided it was best to cheat on him with your current boyfriend, who in turn cheated on you. Your current boyfriend treats you like you’re worthless, and you’ve found text messages from other women, even other women’s numbers and condoms hidden in his wallet. But, hold on. You want to go back to your ex because you miss him, and you say you’re torn between the two! LMBAO!

You are a hot ass mess! You went from bad to worse. And, now you want to go back to bad. Thus, it leads me to believe that you haven’t learned anything. You aren’t interested in knowing why you are dating these undesirable men. Why are you choosing these men? Oh, I forget, it’s because you see the potential in them, and you’re willing to invest years, times, and energy into their potential. I got you. SMDH!

But, let’s be clear about something. Sweetie, I’m sorry, but how are you torn between two men. They are not fighting over you. They are not waging an all out war to win your heart. Neither man was invested in a relationship with you. Neither was, or is doing anything to proclaim their love for you. You do notice that you are more invested in the relationships than they are. You are the one who feels you have something special, and is in love.

Neither man is, was, or ever will be invested in you. Do you see the pattern you have with both men? Do you see why you chose those two men? UGH! Girl, you are more invested in them, and want to be Ms. Super-F’ing-Woman-Save-The-World. Chile, you better wake up and get into some therapy and find out this – Why do you feel the need to be in relationships with men, especially men who treat you like you’re worthless? Why do you keep trying to prove to them that you’re the perfect girlfriend? Why are you confusing their potentiality for their reality? You want them to recognize that you’re a stand up woman and will stick by her man regardless of what he’s going through. Sorry, but you’re wasting your time and energy.

This is where so many women get the relationship game so wrong. If you’re involved with someone who is constantly having a pity party about their life (i.e., unresolved issues since childhood), and they complain, complain, complain about everything and how their life doesn’t seem to work, and they can’t maintain or hold a job, then guess what, Boo Boo, they need some professional therapy because you are not a therapist, counselor, or psychologist. Bringing you down and dragging you with them into their misery is the classic case of “misery loves company.” And, don’t you see that you became miserable because of your ex, and to come out of your dark despair you cheated on him, but because your judgment was clouded you found someone who did the very same thing to you.

You’re so busy trying to prove you’re a great girlfriend that you’re allowing men to run over and use you. You current boyfriend has three children, and he cheated on you with is baby momma. He doesn’t want to be with you. You’re just another woman he’s sleeping with. You don’t have a relationship, you have an in-between man. Instead of focusing on you, and your own well-being, you remain in this relationship because you fear being alone. You fear being by yourself.

If your ex hasn’t gotten his life together and he is doing the same thing he was doing when you left him, then why go back? You miss his company and companionship because you had 11 years with him. But, he hasn’t changed. He’s still the same man you left. Why go backwards? You are supposed to move forward, and learn from your dating experiences. You’re not supposed to keep repeating them. Thus, you’re in a situation with a man who doesn’t even respect you as his girlfriend.

Take this time to work on you. Find out who you are, and what you really need and want. You have to spiritually cleanse yourself and get rid of your ex. He is still in your system. You haven’t completely let him go. You can write him a letter, and tell him everything you wanted to say to him. Let him know how you feel, how you feel let down, how you hoped he would change, and what you really wanted out of the relationship. And, when you’re done you burn the letter, or you rip it up and throw it away.

And, as far as your current boyfriend it’s time to face the reality and be honest with yourself. You don’t love him. You don’t want to be with him. You are just using him to pass the time, just like he is using you to pass the time until someone better comes along. I hope that you find yourself, and begin to work on you. You need time to be with yourself to learn who you are. Find a spiritual center, and start meditating, or doing Yoga. Find other things to preoccupy your time so that you can grow and stop making these poor decisions with men. If you expand yourself and your horizons, you will see that you don’t have to go back to your past to have a new future. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

    

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