Dear Bossip: We Agreed To Have A Child, But Now It’s Over & He’s In Jail

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip, 

I was in a 15 year relationship, off and on, with the wrong man.

I was excited to find a good Jamaican man. His sex game and comfort was all I needed at the moment to heal. We got so closer and agreed to have a child. During the pregnancy financial hardships hit and we parted to different states and decided to return when the baby was due.

While away he was supportive financially, emotionally, and mentally. I fell deeper and deeper in love, and with carrying our first child. Granted this was my first pregnancy, I was afraid and nervous throughout it. But, verbally, over the phone he was present.

I came back home only to be surprised by another woman who popped up at 5am raising hell. She kicked me in the stomach a week before my son was due. Confused and hurt I tried to overlook it like she was a past-time fling while I was away. But, every occasion we spent time together she’s call ranting. It got difficult to know if I wanted him present at the birth.

He began being absent consistently though I was blocks away. My mother called him for the birth and he convinced me to name our only child after him. The circumcision he disrespected me by arguing in the waiting room with this woman who turns out to be 10+ years older than us. I consistently initiated opportunities so that he could watch our son grow. With no support from him the love we had deteriorated to hate. A mere disagreement caused him to beat me helplessly and that lead to him being in jail. Even still, I met him in public so he could see his only child.

Now, he’s back in jail because of his lifestyle. I battle with disappearing. I battle with discontinuing our relationship, and re-continuing when our son can be with him safely, and when he’s of age. I never wanted it to be about me. I never wanted him to say I was a treacherous baby mama who kept his son away because he doesn’t want me. Which I’m sure he does, so I grit my teeth and bare the disrespect. I deal with never being apologized to after a black eye.

I finally met a guy that I’m ready to see exclusively since my pregnancy. Since my child’s father is back in jail I feel compelled to bring the baby to see him. I truly miss him and love him. Things are finished for me after all he’s done. But, I’m no Mother Mary. And, it doesn’t help that I see him every time I look at our son.

I just want to know how to co-parent. Should I co-parent? Should I go and raise my son alone? Should I wait for him to mature? I wrote a contract of rules and regulation after the girl kicked me in the belly. He is a prideful Jamaican. He said I’d die before he signed it! I’m nursing, and exhausted from working full-time. Our son is still an infant he’s only saw a minimum amount of times.  What do I do? – Confused On Co-Parenting

Dear Ms. Confused On Co-Parenting,

The man has beat you. He has blackened your eye. He went to jail for this. His fling kicked you in the belly a week before you were due. He was disrespectful during the circumcision of your son. He hasn’t been involved with the child since he’s been born. And, he’s back in jail because of his lifestyle choices, but, you’re wondering what you should do? SMDH! I truly can’t!

He can’t co-parent if he’s locked up. He can’t co-parent if he doesn’t take the initiative to be involved with his own son’s life. Why force it? Why take your child to jail to see a man behind bars? Why are you going out of your way to accommodate him when he didn’t go out of his way to come see his son before he went to jail? Girl, think!! Damn!

And, you’re concerned with what he thinks of you, and what he is going to say about you regarding keeping his son away from him, and in not being seen as a treacherous baby momma, but he’s a treacherous baby daddy! Hello! He hasn’t made any effort in being a great father. He hasn’t stepped up to the plate to provide or care for his child. His ass is in jail!

Girl, let him rot in jail. And, since he’s there, you should take full advantage of his time there and start the proceedings in family court to get full custody of your child. Also, put him on child support, and tell the judge you only want supervised visitations. You don’t feel safe being alone with him, and you don’t trust your child in being alone with him since he has beat you previously and ended up in jail for his actions. He’s violent, and has anger issues. Protect yourself and your child.

In regards to this new man you have met and want to date exclusively, I recommend you pause and put that on hold. You are not over your ex. You have not healed emotionally or mentally. You jump from relationship to relationship using them as ways to cope with your heartache, depression, loneliness, and drama. You left a 15 year relationship, which you claim was with the wrong man, and ended up with the Jamaican man. You say his sex game and comfort was what you needed at the moment to help you heal. This is the wrong, wrong, wrong reasons to be with someone. And, you should not have gotten involved with him and then made the choice to have a child with him. You barely knew him, and this man has beat you, cheated on you, disrespected you, and is now in jail. And, unfortunately, because of your poor decision-making he’s forever in your life.

Yet, here you are again wanting to rush and move on with another man to heal from the Jamaican man. This is the wrong, wrong, wrong reason to get involved with someone else. Stop. Do not proceed or move forward. Work on yourself. You keep repeating the same mistake over and over again, and choosing men for the wrong reasons. You have to ask yourself why do you keep choosing these men who are wrong for you, unavailable, and abusive. Why do you choose men who do not respect you, and why do you allow them to disrespect you? Why do you attract these men, and what is it about you that you continue to choose these men? You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you get involved with another relationship.

Take this time to focus on you and your child. Take this time to get your affairs in order regarding your child’s safety, future, and custody. Take this time to spiritually, mentally, and emotionally cleanse yourself. You need to get of this merry-go-round of dysfunctional relationships. If you don’t, then you will keep repeating this pattern again and again, and you will end up pregnant by another man, and he will be abusive toward you. You will leave him and find another man to find comfort in. Stop this cycle. And, get to the root of your problem and heal yourself. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!


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