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Dear Bossip,

I’m writing to you for advice because I’m very concerned about my best friend.

She and her “boyfriend” have been dealing with each other on and off for about 3 years and are considering marriage. I have never met this man, but from what she tells me about him it doesn’t sound good. He supposedly has a job, but another mutual friend told me that my bestie found a stack of people’s social security cards in my besties car (that he bought and drives).

My bestie informed me that he was recently arrested and it turned out that it was for fraud. Also, she rented him a car in her name and was also involved in a police chase where he CRASHED the car. He was arrested and now she is no longer able to rent cars from the rental car place. And, on top of that, the detectives are looking to question her about her dealings with him.

He brought her a phone and apparently it’s in someone else’s name. She has been seeing other guys the whole time, but all of a sudden he’s been pressuring her to marry him. And, now she’s convinced that she loves him and wants to get married. It’s ridiculous because just 2 months ago she told me that she doesn’t even love the guy!

I’m extremely concerned because she is risking so much (she’s a hardworking single parent to a 9 year old, and she is a nursing student) just to be with this con-man. And, it seems like she is gonna go through with it because “he’s a good provider” (her words not mine). When she brings it up I kind of refrain from telling her how I really feel because I don’t want to come off as a hater because I’m single. But, I also feel like it’s so many other things that she hasn’t told me about him.

It’s frustrating because we are 30 years old and that ‘bad boy’ phase is supposed to be out of her system. I also don’t see it ending well between them because of his lifestyle and she doesn’t realize that she’s setting herself up for trouble. I understand people are going to do what they want to do, but how do I express my concerns without there being confrontation between us? Should I even say anything? What would u do? Please help! – Concerned For My Bestie

Dear Ms. Concerned For My Bestie,

Uhm, she is your best friend, and your best friend has been dating a guy on and off for three years, yet, you have never met him? You’ve never been formally introduced, or met him at her house, or even went out with them, hell, you haven’t even met him in passing or by coincidence, but she is your best friend and you’re concerned about her dating a criminal?

I’m sorry, but I don’t know many people who have best friends who are in relationships, regardless if it has been on and off for three years, but have never met their partner. So, either you are exaggerating your “best friend” status, or she doesn’t see you as her best friend. Therefore, mind your business.

You’re so caught up in her life, drama, relationship, and worried about her man, that you’ve never met, but in reality she is a grown woman. She is in her 30s. She chose to date him knowing what he does, and, yet, she continues to see him and feel as if she loves him, then there is nothing you can do or say. She is going to do what she wants to do anyway. Also, if she hasn’t asked you what you think, and what she should do, then, offering your advice without solicitation will be just that.

I understand that you care for her, and you are concerned, but she is grown. She is an adult, and she is capable of making her own choices in men. You can pull her to the side, talk to her face-to-face and let her know you are concerned and that you care for her and her well-being. You can even share that you don’t want to see her get hurt, or watch him ruin her life or her child’s life. You can talk until you are blue in the face. But, until she is ready and until she feels her life, credit, and career are in jeopardy, then you will be just waiting your breath. She feels she is in love. She has been in this tumultuous relationship with him for 3 years, and she is invested in this pipe dream. He’s selling her something that you can’t give her. So, until she comes to you, and until she solicits your advice and opinion there is nothing you can do.

By the way, why don’t you ask her why hasn’t she introduced you to her man? Why hasn’t she, as your best friend, made the effort for you two to meet? I’m curious to know why she has kept him away from you.

Right now, all you can do is just listen to her as a friend, let her know how you feel, and keep it moving. Don’t get invested, and don’t get mixed up between them. You don’t know the dynamics of their relationships. You don’t know what he’s telling her, what he is selling her, and what he is giving her. She is benefiting in some capacity from this relationship. So, love her, and the next time she calls you complaining about him and their drama you tell her that you’re not interested in hearing about her relationship. It is between them. You haven’t met him so therefore you can’t give an informed opinion on him. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

    

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