Dear Bossip: We Were Getting Married But He Quit His Job, Cheated & Gave Me An STD

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I have been in a relationship with my child’s father for almost 4 years.

In the beginning everything was good, and we got along great. In the 3rd year of our relationship I got pregnant. He did ask me to marry him and we started planning the wedding. In the midst of this transition he decided to leave the stability of a job to go follow his dreams. This is a decision that he made without telling me and it caused such an uproar in our relationship.

I felt that he needed to stay home and be at a job for the stability of our new family. I didn’t want to go through the turmoil of not knowing when and where money would be coming from. I was raised in a very secure home. My father never let me mom want for anything, even if he had to go pick up cans to make sure the rent/mortgage and everything else was always taken care of.

We would argue every day and I later found out while he was out of town that he cheated on me. Now, he says this girl just gave him a blow job, but in my gut I believe they slept together. I found out because I was in the hospital unexpectedly for a possible STD that went detected. He was so scared when he got to the hospital that is when he told me that he had cheated, but that he only had gotten head and it never felt right. I always thought there was more to the story. Why would you be so scared that I got an STD if you’ve never had unprotected sex with anyone else.

Fast forward to this year, he came and told me that he lied to me, and that the encounter which went down with the other girl wasn’t at all how he said it happened. The whole storyline he told
me for almost a year was a complete lie. Our trust is completely torn. I forgave him and I am trying to move forward, but I feel like he still is lying. Not to mention there has been other instances where I caught him in a lie. He thinks he’s doing all that he can to make things better, but even at the notion of mentioning what happened and how it affects me gets me so upset.

If I ask him his whereabouts he gets upset, as if I am not allowed to ask. But, he is the one that broke the trust, yet, I am always the one making problems and starting arguments when I tell him I need him to let me know what he’s doing and his whereabouts until I feel comfortable again.  He says he’s not doing anything or cheating, but my whole body doesn’t believe him. I don’t know if it’s because of my insecurity or my intuition.

I feel like I should leave because I feel like he doesn’t value me as a woman. I am a very sought after woman, even from his friends. They try to tell me that he doesn’t deserve me and I should be treated better. Should I be patient and try to work things out or should I leave? – So Confused

Dear Ms. So Confused,

So, let me get this correct. You and your boyfriend became pregnant, and he asked you to marry him. But, during the planning of this wedding he decides to quit his job to follow his dreams. SMDH! (This shows that he is irresponsible and lacks poor judgment).

Then, he goes out of town and you learn that he cheated on you, but he claims it was just a blow job, yet, you know something more happened. (Again, he is irresponsible and lacks poor judgment).

Well, lo and behold, you go to the doctor and discover that you may have an STD which went undetected, and he comes to the hospital to confess his infidelities, but he sticks to his lie that it was just a blow job. However, for an entire year he has held on to this lie, and then he finally decides to confess and tell you the truth that he actually engaged in sexual intercourse with this girl. Yet, you forgave him, took him back and continued a relationship despite catching him in other lies.

Now, you want to know what to do because you don’t trust him, and, he flips and turns your inability to trust him on your own insecurities. Well, if you don’t trust him, and your whole body feels he is lying and he is not being honest, then listen to your body and follow your instinct.

Look, your boyfriend quit his job in the midst of your pregnancy, and while you were planning a wedding because he wanted to follow his dreams. That is just dumb and irresponsible. Why quit a stable job earning money which can go toward your wedding plans, as well as preparing for a new child? Wouldn’t it make sense to keep the job and use the money to help supplement your new life? Obviously he doesn’t think logically, and has poor judgment to basic life skills. And, it’s telling that he was only thinking of himself. He wasn’t thinking about his new family that he wanted to create with you, or in building a stable home for you and your child. He was thinking of himself and his needs. So, comparing him to your father who was willing to do any and everything to pay the bills and have your mother not want for anything is an indicator that your man is not willing to do any and everything to make sure the bills get paid.

Therefore, you have a man who doesn’t think rationally. He makes poor decisions, and lacks judgment. He cheated on you with another woman, and lied to you for over a year telling you that it was only a blow job. Even when you were in the hospital with a potential STD he was committed to his lie about it not being anything more than a blow job. Thus, he’s a liar. He’s dishonest. He is untrustworthy, and he needs to be doing everything in his power to regain your trust and to rebuild his relationship with you.

Rather, he is not interested in regaining your trust. He gets upset when you question his whereabouts, and when you ask him what he’s doing. He feels guilty. Why get upset if he isn’t doing anything? Why would he be bothered by your questioning if he wasn’t guilty of anything? Hell, he should be calling, texting, and checking in with you while he is out, and letting you know his whereabouts.

Ultimately, you have to decide what is best for you, and sweetie, you already know what to do. Your heart, gut, and intuition are telling you what you need to do, yet, you’re afraid of following through. He’s lied to you and continues to lie to you. He’s cheated on you. He gave you an STD. He quit his job and I’m sure you’re the sole bread-winner. If he isn’t earning any money, then he’s not providing for his child. And, he hasn’t made any necessary steps toward creating a healthy relationship built on truth and honesty, or demonstrating how he can earn your trust in a damaged relationship. Follow your gut. Follow your instincts. Do what is best for you and your child. If you stay, you will remain tortured and confused because you will never be able to trust him, and you’ll always wonder what he’s doing, where he is going, and who he’s doing it with. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!


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