Dear Bossip: We Both Work, I Foot The Bills & My Husband Doesn't Contribute

Dear Bossip,

I have been married to my husband for a little more than 5 years. We have been together a total of 9 years.

We live in an apartment. I pay for the rent, light, gas, cable, phone, internet, pet food, pet health/vet, etc. All he is paying for is food, laundry, and whenever we go out. He also is on my health insurance which is paid out of my bi-weekly pay check.

We both are currently working two jobs (He works seasonally on one job). I never thought I would still be working a second job after I got married. We are two ships passing through the night when it comes to our jobs. He works 6 days a week on one job. And, on the seasonal job, he works 5 days a week. I work 5 days a week on one job and 2 days a week, Sat./Sun. – evenings, on the other job.

I always told him when we were dating that I didn’t want us not spending time with each other.  We only really have part of Saturday evening and part of Sunday to be with each other. I try and wait up for him to come home from work every night during the week days.

He has a debt from when he attended college. He’s been fighting with it for many years now. I made the mistake of telling him that I will take on all the bills to allow him to pay off the debt.  The interest on the debt is totally insane and it’s added interest seems to grow every day/month.  I felt that it was harming us both. By the way, recently, he got dental implants.

Fast forward, two plus years, and nothing has changed and the debt is still there. He is an avid gym rat and runner. He enters races, and buys expensive running sneakers. He purchases t-shirts, etc., and has the nerve to hide them from me. I have sat down and spoken to him multiple times about how unfair it is to me. All I get is that little boy look that knows they have done something wrong. He listens to what I have to say, but, no action comes behind it. He says he’s embarrassed and he knows it. But, that’s all I get.

My mother went there and told me that, “He is a kept man.” I have spoken to a couple of friends about this matter. I have thought about going to counseling which he feels we don’t need. I don’t know what other steps to get his attention aside from threatening separation, leaving the apartment, etc. What does it take to get it through to him that this is a 50/50 partnership and not a gravy train? Bossip, would like to have your input. – The Frustrated Over-Contributing Wife

Dear Ms. The Frustrated Over-Contributing Wife,

Yes, your mother is absolutely correct. Your husband is a kept man. He is working to take care of his needs, his hobbies, and his interests. You are taking care of all the necessities, including the household and him. So, it will explain why he doesn’t want to go to counseling. Why go and get help when he knows the outcome will be the therapist or counselor telling him that he needs to contribute to the household and take the burden off you.

Your husband knows that he is making out like a bandit. You are paying for everything. That is why he sneaks and buys his sneakers, t-shirts, and other luxury items and hides them from you. He knows he is wrong and that he should be helping with the household expenses. So, when you confront him and he gives his sad little boy look, it is his strategy that works on you. He knows you will bish, get angry and talk a whole lot of “what he should be doing,” and “how unfair it is.” But, he knows that all he has to do is apologize, tell you that he’s sorry, and nothing will change.

You make all these idle threats, and complain and bish to him. But, you don’t have any repercussions for his actions, or you don’t follow through with your threats. So, now it’s time to show and prove. It is time to follow through with your threats and actions. He doesn’t contribute, then turn off his phone. I’m sure he is on your cell phone plan. Cut it off. He’ll come to you and say something, but tell him it’s time he starts paying his own bill.

Then, turn off the cable. You can watch movies and other shows on Netflix or online. He will again come to you complaining that the cable is off and he can’t watch his favorite shows. Tell him that if he wants to watch ESPN, or any sports shows, movies, or anything else, then he can pay the cable bill.

Next, change the passcode on the internet. He will try to be slick and go online and watch movies like you. But, if he doesn’t have the passcode to access the internet, then he will be sitting there looking at a blank computer. Again, he will ask what happened to the internet, and you tell him that until he contributes and help pay for it, then he is blocked. You will need payment upfront in order for him to access it.

Then, you take him off your health insurance. Sorry, but, he is an added expense and is not paying you to be on your health care. He has a full-time job. Do they not offer health care insurance? And, why are you not on his plan? Therefore, cut him off your plan and let him know that he has a full-time job and can get insurance through his job. Hell, he went and got dental implants. That is cosmetic surgery. He can afford that, then he can afford his own health insurance.

Finally, you let him know that you are not paying the full rent any longer. Beginning next month, he will need to pay half the rent, light, and gas. It is a strain on you. It is too much for you to burden and bear while he sits at home and enjoy the benefits of your labor. Nope. Not anymore. It’s time he pulled his weight and took care of his responsibility as a husband. The offer you made to take care of everything while he got himself out of debt is no longer on the table. You have given him sufficient time to pay down his debt, and he hasn’t been intentional in getting it paid. That is no longer you problem. You’ve given him two years, and he has had enough time to get his finances in order.

Yes, these are drastic measures, and yes, it will take you having a backbone, and standing up for yourself in this one-way selfish marriage where he is benefitting from a wife who is working just as much as he is, but you are contributing way more than he is. You are working to make help make his life easier, but you are struggling, and coming out of pocket to make his life more sufficient for his pockets and his interests. What about your needs and wants? What about when you want to spend something on yourself and not have to worry about paying all these bills while you got a grown ass man living with you and he is not even saying, “Baby, let me get the light bill this month. Or, let me pay the cable, and phone.” Hell, all he has to do is get ten dollars in quarters to do the laundry! No ma’am!

Put your foot down, and talk with your husband and let him know that you’re tired. You’re tired of footing the bills. You’re tired of taking care of everything. Let him know that you are taking the offer from the table whereas he gets to get his life out of debt, while you work to pay for everything, and eventually you will put yourself in debt. He is a grown ass man, and a grown ass married man. He should be making sure that you want for nothing, and that you are happy at home. If he doesn’t make any changes or necessary steps toward contributing to the household, then follow the laid out plan I provided, and I bet his ass will fall in line. – Terrance Dean  

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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