I had a male best friend, Tom, for about eight years and we were very close. Strictly platonic. He loves the ladies and is a serial dater.
Fast forward into the eighth year of our friendship and I met this Brazilian girl, Rena, while she was on a year internship in the states. We became fast friends and she begged me to take her out whenever I go out so she can have fun.
I took her out with me and sure enough Tom took a liking and asked her out. Now, I’ve been around Tom long enough to know that he is never at any time just sleeping with one woman. He usually has his main squeeze, but has several side dishes. He has that dangerous tri-fecta of being rich, good-looking, and charming. So, I didn’t blame Rena for falling for him.
They started dating on and off. Then, Rena moved to Georgia for the remaining six months of her stay. She would call me crying because Tom wouldn’t answer her calls, or she saw pictures of him at a party with other gals. Now, at this point, I was in a weird position since Tom was my friend first. So, I wasn’t just gonna throw him under the bus, but at the same time I told Rena not to have her hopes up and that she should try and date other people. She didn’t listen. Whenever they had problems they both would vent to me.
Fast forward a year later. I moved out of state and she moved back home. They were still dating. Every day is a new drama with her saying “Tom hit me.” Or, “I found pics of him getting head from some gal.” And, “Tom won’t talk to me.” I’m tired of it! I’ve realized Rena has to have very low self-esteem because Tom literally treats her like gutter trash and she still stays.
Like, they’ll have a fight and it’s clearly his fault. For example, she’ll find naked pics of women, obviously post coital, in his bed and after they the fight she will beg him to come back to her! WTF!?! She’s always doing this. I’ve told her that I’m tired of listening to their drama since it’s stupid.
She even told me that once while she was drunk he wanted to have sex, but she wasn’t feeling it. He just turned her over and did his thing and not caring. And, that time he did it “backdoor,” which was a first for her.
Now, I’ve told her I don’t want to hear anything about him anymore. She’ll call me crying and then the next day she is texting and calling him to take her back. Tom and I aren’t that close anymore because of this damn relationship. He got mad at me for not always being on his side even when does –ish to her. Her other friends also refuse to listen to her issues with him because they’re tired of it.
She told me that I’m being a bad friend since I’m refusing to listen to her issues with him. But, for heaven’s sake I’m sick of it. It’s been four years for God’s sake. Am I wrong here? Am I a bad friend? – Tired Of Their Drama
Dear Ms. Tired Of Their Drama,
When they decided to hook up and date, that is when you should have pulled them both to the side and had a serious conversation with them. You should have told them at that moment that you will not be in the middle of anything if it should go further, as you do not wish to hear any details of them dating, and that neither of them should call you inquiring or asking about the other. You should have set the boundaries of your space and distance between them immediately.
Since you already know about your male best friend and the details into his various relationships, past and present, then, you should have known this would happen with your friend that he asked to go out with. You should have told him that you love him and respect the friendship that you and he have, but, you know how he is, and, you don’t want to be in the middle of them. You should have been very clear about this, and told him that in no form or fashion will you be dragged between them, having to decide who to listen to, or even choose between. You’re his friend first and foremost, but when it comes to dating mutual friends, then you don’t want to be part of it.
Also, you should have warned her and you should have confronted her about getting caught up with your friend. You could have told her that you don’t condone them dating, and because he is your friend first, then, your loyalty lies with him. She put you into a compromising position, especially with her calling you and giving you all the details about their relationship. You should have nipped that in the bud very early on and let her know that you are not interested in hearing anything about your friend, Tom, and you don’t want to know what happened, who did what, and why they did it. If she doesn’t respect the boundaries of your friendship with him, and she continues to call you complaining, then she is being disrespectful. She doesn’t respect you as her friend, and your requests. Therefore, every time she called you should have hung up the phone. Hell, don’t even answer her calls.
Besides, I don’t understand why she is still calling you when she has moved back home to where she is from. Her and Tom do not have a relationship any longer. If he is in another state, and she is out of the country then why is she calling you that he isn’t answering his phone, and why are you accepting her calls? But, it’s obvious that she doesn’t see you as a friend, and she doesn’t respect you as a person. You’ve told her that you don’t want to be bothered or involved with their mess. Yet, she continues to drag you into it. So, she is only using you to get to Tom because you are the closest person she can have to get to him. You are her connection to Tom. And, she is using you to talk to him, to make him call her, answering her calls, text her, and hopefully talk some sense to him.
Stop it. End your friendship with her. Move on. She is using you. Then, you need to have a serious conversation with Tom and let him know that he can be upset, and angry because he felt you were taking sides, but he should have never put you in that position between them. You and he have to decide that in the future if he dates a mutual friend of yours that the boundaries will need to be set between them and you. But, I do feel you can mend your relationship with Tom and he will put it behind him. Yet, it will take both of you taking ownership of your part in this friendship and what happened. Also, you will have to learn how to handle your respect for one another in order that get to an understanding of what you will and will not allow in the future to come between you. – Terrance Dean
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