I am undergoing an emotional struggle and I hope maybe your insights might able to give me some peace in mind.
I do apologize for the long email, I think you would judge me if I wasn’t clear about this situation.
Recently, I met a guy on Tinder, who I thought was 27 years old and single, and he happened to visit my neck of town for a new job. I went on a few dates with him and then he flew back to wherever he’s from. When he went home I was sad because he was a great company and I’ve never met someone I am so in-tune with…and I date a lot of men. It was the first time I am enjoying the experience without expecting any reciprocation of commitment from the other party.
Though, I was sad, I thought it was just a one-time thing, so I decided to be friends with him. I thought we could be just friends, if anything, since it could be a good thing knowing more people around the states. As I continued my communication with him, he then confessed to me that he was separated with kids and was wondering what are my thoughts of his baggage? He then asked me if I would be his girl. LOL! And, the next thing he told me was that he was flying back to my town that coming weekend and it was going to be a one way ticket for him, since he doesn’t think it was working out for his wife and him.
Mind you, I thought this guy was crazy and that he was joking. Who the heck would book a one way ticket to live somewhere where he knows no one to be with a girl he just met and hung out with for one week? I even told him that what he’s experiencing with me is just an infatuation so he should go home and work things out with his wife.
He then called me on that weekend and said he was at the airport. You should have seen my face, I was in shock. Of course, I picked him up and let him stay at my place over the weekend and then I told him that he needs to find his own place to stay because I have never let anyone reside over my place for more than 2 days. He spent 2 weeks here. He was hotel hoping since he hadn’t found the perfect place to stay. I even helped him with the search, but part of me felt like he wasn’t really invested in finding a permanent place to stay here. I still felt like he was just acting based on his feelings of infatuation, and he would leave very soon. And, I didn’t ask him about his situation because I didn’t want to be involved in the drama, and, that he would tell me on his own if he trusted me.
After 2 weeks passed, he told me he was thinking of going back home. I knew this day would come, but I wasn’t angry or anything, even though I should have been considering he tried to lead me on with all his crazy stuff. I told him that it was nice knowing him and that he shouldn’t continue talking to me anymore since what he’s doing is hurtful. He agreed and asked if I wanted to meet up and spend some time together before he left. I said yes, and upon meeting him, he showed me pictures with his kids. He shared that things with his wife was very strained, but was still complicated since he got her pregnant with the 3rd child 6 months ago.
To be honest with you, after learning that piece of information, I told him to don’t come back and he should focus on his kids and his pregnant wife as I never thought he should have left his family for someone he barely knew, and that he shouldn’t cheat on his wife again. He asked me to be his life-long friend and I said that as much as I would want to be in his life, I can’t. We just have too much chemistry together to be just friends. And, that having any type of relationship with me will only hinder his reconciliation process with his wife. Despite how sad I felt, I have never expected such a man to leave his family. I have yet to tell you how I felt about this man, I feel like he was my soul-mate, someone who finishes my sentences and knows exactly what I am thinking. It just feels right and I was really one hundred percent of myself when I was with this guy. So, he left and all I’ve done is cry my heart out.
Three days later, he contacted me out of the blue via text and I told him not to talk to me since we promised each other that. The next day, he called me and when I got home from work, he was walking up to my house. You should have seen my face. It was like I saw a ghost. He told me that he spent the four days flying to a random place to do some soul searching, and that after talking to his wife about their situation he doesn’t want to work things out with her, and that he came back and he was going to be here indefinitely. He said that their marriage isn’t working out, not because I was the reason.
Selfishly, I was happy that he came back once again, but morally speaking, I couldn’t let him do that (leaving his family behind to be with me). And, I know he was pretty serious this time around. We’ve spent some times together and I was able to collect more information about his situation. I’ve learned that he loves his wife, but he’s not in love with her and that his love is more based on the moral obligation. He doesn’t want to try hard to work out their relationship despite the fact that she is willing. He said he felt like he was suffocating since he hadn’t had time to be himself ever since they had kids. In response to his situation, I told him that I feel deeply for him very much, but he’s a selfish douche-bag for leaving his pregnant wife alone with 2 small children. Blah, blah, blah. All the moral stuff you can think of, and I told him all this doesn’t benefit me in anyway.
A few days later, he left. I knew that he was leaving because he asked me if I was going to hold it against him if he went back. But, I didn’t expect him to vanish like the wind. This time he left me with only a text message instead of seeing me in person. His message said. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you’ve been saying the last couple of days. I really don’t want to be a “selfish douche.” I mean, when you’re the one telling me to go back and work things out for my kids, it really means something. I hate to leave, but I’m going to listen to you. If this was just a dream, it’s going to be one I really f***ing miss. Like you said, if it’s meant to be, I’ll meet you again. I’ll miss you.” Then, follows all the pictures of us together.
Terrance, I love this man very much, but I want him to be a better person and a responsible man who should be there for his kids, hence, I encouraged him to go back and take responsibility for whatever situation he got himself in. Maybe you see it differently, but I’m in love with this man unconditionally, and I am having a hard time coping with all these strong emotions since I have never experienced anything like this before. I am baffled because my head is telling me to move on, but I just can’t seem to move anywhere. A part of me have hopes that he would come back, but rationally speaking, I think I could be crazy because the guy obviously just has too much baggage to handle for him to even consider coming back. – Missing Him
Dear Ms. Missing Him,
So, you decide his baggage is not too much for you, and you pick it up and help him carry it? Bag lady, you gon’ miss your bus. Carrying all them bags like that!
He’s married. He has a family, and a pregnant wife. He doesn’t love you. He led you on. He used you, deceived you, and misled you into believing you and he could be friends, more than friends, and at one time he offered for you to be his girlfriend. He’s a liar. He’s not to be trusted. He’s deceptive. You have fallen in love with someone you don’t really know.
What I don’t understand is after you initially met him on Tinder and spent time with him in your hometown, he flew home and decided he should confess to you that he was married with a family, but he was separated. Now, this is where it should have ended. No more conversation. No more texting. No more anything. Goodbye! Click!
But, this fool told you he was buying a one-ticket and he flew back to your hometown, and you went to pick him up at the airport. Why? You knew he was married. You knew he had a family. And, in all your moral rationalizing of this situation throughout the letter, you allow him to stay at your home during the weekend, and then proceeded to help him during the two weeks he was in your city. You are complicit in his behavior. You are complicit in aiding him in this foolishness.
This man was trying to start a relationship with you after only meeting you one time online. This fool bought a one-way ticket to your hometown and was planning on staying until you confronted him about his situation. He left his family, and was roaming across the country attempting to start up a relationship with any woman he met on Tinder. Yes, you were the one who responded, and the one who fell for his bull-ish. You were the naïve one who listened to his dramatic story and decided to be his fixer. You gave him an ear, and a shoulder to cry on. He was, and is, unstable. He’s mentally touched. Something is wrong with this man. Yet, you don’t see it, and you continue to engage with him, and allow yourself to be involved with him. Why? What are you getting out of this?
You notice he continued to use you and show up in your life even when you told him not to. And, it’s because you always welcomed him back into your life as if he was your lover, your man. A man shows up to your home unexpected, and you were shocked, and excited to see him. Really? You should have called the police. He’s crazy! You don’t know this man. You don’t know what he is capable of. Hell, he up and left his family and pregnant wife.
So, who are you in love with? What do you know about him to justify this love you profess to have? You need to really assess your mental and emotional state of being. You allow a complete stranger into your home, into your bed, and into your life. Then, he lies and deceives as you find out more and more about him. He shows up unexpectedly at your home. Who allows someone like this into their life? You should really take a long look at yourself, and evaluate your mental and emotional well-being. You are not in love. You can’t be. You don’t know him. You only know what he has told you. Let him go and stop answering his calls and texts. The next time he shows up in your home town and at your doors step, then you need to call the police. Who knows what this man is dealing with, and what type of mental and emotional issues he is dealing with. Girl, he is flying from state to state, and leaving his wife and family behind, obviously he is dealing with something. And, he’s probably meeting other random women online and doing the same thing with them. Get your head out of the clouds and come back to reality. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: firstname.lastname@example.org Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!