I met a man at my job about a year ago. We will call him “Devon.”
Devon was very persistent to get to know me. He would treat me to lunch every day and we would have conversations about everything. As time passed, we began to form a connection with one another. We had so much in common and we were definitely attracted to one another. I’m ashamed to say it, but, we were both in relationships. I can say that I wasn’t happy with my situation at home. I was more so comfortable than happy. I had someone I could depend on, but the love and sex were gone.
I always asked Devon was he happy with his girlfriend and what was their relationship status, but he never would answer. I respected him for not telling me their business, but after a while it was like she didn’t exist. I ended my current situation at home and my ex had moved out. Devon would come over nearly every day. I believe with us spending so much time together, we both developed some sort of feelings. About 5 months had passed but we still hadn’t had sex.
I’m an attractive woman and I don’t have any issues as far as dating, but I can honestly say I’ve never connected to ANY man like I have with him. It was really hard for me to walk away from that. Not to mention he had the qualities of a man that I always wanted. (Aside from cheating). We began to have a sexual relationship. The sex was amazing as well. Soon after that, we started telling each other we love each other. I never wanted nor expected him to end his relationship at home. Mainly because in the back of my mind I knew that wasn’t playing fair and I do believe in Karma.
So, I guess I settled for becoming his “hook up chick.” After a while, I started to want more and I also wanted to know about his “girlfriend” just to see what she was like. So, I found her on social media. I saw pics of them hugged up. I realized the day the pics were taken he had asked to come spend time with me earlier that day. I was upset because he was really playing the role of the loving boyfriend. I tried blocking this woman out, but it was obvious he was “happy” with her.
So, I decided it was finally time to leave him alone knowing I didn’t deserve that. I told him how I felt because I wanted him to know he hurt me and played with my emotions. He then claimed he just wanted to talk and showed up at my house. We didn’t have sex, instead he just held and kissed me. Like that was his way of saying he didn’t want me out of his life. I know he could have other women, but he still doesn’t want me to leave him alone. I’ve been avoiding seeing him. However, he has been making many attempts, along with calling and texting. I must admit, we had some great times and we connected. That’s what makes it hard to walk away. I love him but this situation has got me feeling so ashamed. Do I just change my number and move on? How do I heal from this? – Ms Ashamed
Dear Ms. Ashamed,
You’re messy! Point blank.
You knowingly got involved with a co-worker who is already in a relationship. Mistake number one.
You were also in a relationship, but you claim you were not happy, but comfortable. Regardless, you were already in a relationship and pursed another man. Mistake number two.
You got involved with a co-worker. Mistake number three.
You revealed intimate details about your relationship with “Devon,” yet, he never shared any details about his relationship with his girlfriend. Mistake number four.
You were unhappy in your relationship and not once did you confide in your ex about your unhappiness. You didn’t address the issue at home, but went outside your relationship to seek solace. Mistake number five.
Now, you are writing me a letter asking me to give you advice on helping you heal from this mess you made because you started sleeping with a man who had a girlfriend, and you knowingly and willingly became a side chick, so you want someone else to clean it up. Mistake number six.
I want you to notice that you pursued a relationship with Devon because you were unhappy with your ex. You wanted Devon to save you from your mess. You wanted him to be your clean up man. (Yes, that is a pun, and yes, you want someone else to clean up behind the mess you keep creating.) Devon was never upfront with you about his relationship status with his girlfriend, and he was smart not too. He was playing you all along. He wanted one thing from you and he eventually got it. So, with his plan to make you his side chick, which you agreed to become, he listened to you whine and bish about your relationship, and he let you believe whatever you wanted to believe about him and his relationship.
You both were in the wrong, and you both are trifling. The games you two are playing is how people get hurt physically, mentally, and emotionally. This is how diseases spread because people like you and Devon cheat on their spouses, and you don’t care about your own well-being or the people you are in relationships with. You are reckless. Immature. And, silly.
Therefore, what I can tell you is that, first, you should have never gotten involved with someone you work with. Never sleep with a co-worker. Never confide in your co-worker about the intimate details of your relationship. They are your co-worker, not your friend, not your partner, and not your therapist. Second, you created this mess and decided to become his side chick. So, you knew your role and your lane. You allowed this to happen, even though you always wanted more from him. If you don’t want to be a side chick, then stop being a side chick. Third, he is not going to leave his girlfriend for you. He is not going to make you his woman. He wasn’t, isn’t, and doesn’t love you. You are fooling yourself to think he has any romantic feelings for you beyond sleeping with you on the side. He likes you, and he likes having sex with you that is why he keeps texting and calling you. He doesn’t want to give up his side chick. He is having his cake and eating it, too. Other than that, love is in your imaginary. Last, grow up! Think. Stop these childish games. Quit pursuing men who are already in relationships. He is not in love with you. You’re in love with someone who is unavailable. Why don’t you learn how to love yourself? Learn to work on you first, and stop looking for others to clean up the mess you make. Own your –ish. Take responsibility for your actions. – Terrance Dean
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