I met this guy two years ago on Plenty Of Fish.
The first night we went on a date and we ended up at his place. I spent the night, but we didn’t do anything. He held me, we listened to music, we laughed, and it was amazing. The next morning we went to San Pedro to the fish market and had an amazing time. Afterward, he dropped me off and that was the beginning of the end.
He started off by telling me that he just did a 4 year sentence in prison for robbery. He got busted when he was 18 and came out when he 22 almost 23 years old. He also shared with me that his mom used to abuse him heavily when he was a child.
He lives about 10 miles from me and we started to see each other every weekend, but it soon became a sexual thing. In the beginning we used to kiss, but I could tell he was so distant. Over the past 2 years, we’ve had so many arguments because I feel like he’s two different people. He tells me he loves me, but then he tells me to f**k off and calls me a dumb b***h. I get hurt and I walk away, but he comes back to me texting me saying that he misses me.
The problem is I fell in love with this man and my heart is so invested in him. When I ask him if we can spend time together he tells me he doesn’t want a relationship, yet, he tells me he loves me and that he misses me. I cook for him at least 2 times a week because he lives alone and has diabetes so he doesn’t take care of himself. I know I’m being used, but a part of me feels like deep down he does love me but doesn’t know how to show it.
How do I walk away from this man and from the hold he has on my heart? Is this an issue that I have of wanting to fix someone who’s obviously broken? When I’m around him I hurt because all I want is his love, but I know I’ll never fully get it. – Loving Someone Who’s Hurting
Dear Ms. Loving Someone Who’s Hurting,
I guess it must be true that many women will pursue a man who berates and abuses them, calls them ‘dumb b***h’ and have sex with him, and will cook for him, pursue him, and coddle him hoping he will tell you he wants a relationship even though he said he doesn’t want one, and you will fall in love because he is broken and you love broken men. He’s the perfect man for you, right?!? SMDH!
How do you walk away from this man and the hold he has on your heart? Simple, re-read your letter. This man has told you to “f**k off,” and he has called you a dumb b***h. Uhm, sweetie, no woman should stick around and wait for any man, regardless of what’s going on in his life, and the issues he has with how his momma did him wrong as a child and abused him, and he’s dealing with issues of abandonment. The very thing his mother did to him he is doing to you. So, no! Do not stick around trying to fix him. You can’t. He is not your mission. Your project.
I know that some of you women love a man who is a ‘fixer-upper’ and you want to lay claim that you brought him from his deep dark moments in life, changed his life, and turned him around. But, I’ll be damned if I invest in someone who calls me out of my name, and doesn’t appreciate my efforts. Hell to the no! Besides, he’s told you that he doesn’t want a relationship. So, I don’t understand why you keep kissing his ass, and letting him walk all over you and mistreat you.
You are doing all this cooking for him, consoling him, and babying him trying to prove you got his back and that you’re there for him. But, he isn’t investing anything into you. You’re doing all the work, and investing. You’re making all the effort. Isn’t that exhausting? Isn’t it tiring exerting all your emotions and mental energy into someone who can snap, and just like that they flip you off and call you out of your name and act like it is nothing? You are more invested in him that he is in you.
You then ask if this is an issue of trying to fix someone who is broken. Well, you know yourself better than anyone. And, if this is something you recognize, and it is a pattern, then, yes, it is an issue you have. Why do you want to fix him? What happens when he’s ‘fixed’ and he still doesn’t want to be with you, then what? Ma’am, let him and your need to fix others go. You can’t undo the damage his mother and others have done to him. This man is so broken that it has affected his health, he has diabetes. He doesn’t even care about his own well-being, and health to eat better, and treat his diabetes. He doesn’t love himself. And, you can make someone love you, if they don’t love themselves.
You are going to be spinning your wheels dealing with his emotional and mental ups and downs. He is unstable. He is not healthy. He is not mentally and emotionally available. All the signs you have clearly pointed out in your letter are visible to you, but, yet, you won’t leave an unhealthy situation. It says something about you as well. If you enjoy being called out of your name, degraded and mistreated, and you don’t have a problem pursuing a man who has told you that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, then, by all means stay and hope he will change. Stay and keep giving yourself a false sense of hope. Stay and remain in denial. You’ll eventually get the prize, but when you do are you sure you’ll still want him? – Terrance Dean
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