I have been dating my fiancé officially for nearly 3 years, but I have known her and had relations since 2007.
We met in high school and had many mutual friends. Unfortunately, at that time she had a boyfriend she had been with for a few years, but to my advantage. I had a tendency to stay single in high school. Our entire group of friends was considered promiscuous. She eventually ended up pregnant at 15 or 16 years of age, and that severed whatever we did have because she did not know who the father was and with her being in a relationship she decided to focus on that man and get an abortion.
Years went by and we somewhat kept in contact having so many mutual friends. Eventually, she did have a child with a married man who walked out on her, and I mostly remained single and promiscuous. By the time we were both 22 years old her daughter was just turning a year old, and we decided to revisit what would’ve and could’ve been. We began exclusively dating and I took on the role of her eldest step-father and eventually impregnating her myself.
During the time of her pregnancy she told me about how her and some of her friends (one in specific) used to have wild trysts, lesbian sex, and even 3-somes. I have always been an advocate for alternative relationships, i.e. open relationships, polygamy, swinging, etc., as long as it is done honestly and safely. So, I never judged her for that and instead it made me love her and accept her even more. The problem is once we began coming out as an exclusive couple she told me she was leaving her 3-some ways in the past and that she now wanted to be traditional and get married. I had a problem with this because I know some of the men these girls have “partied” with and I would hate them having experiences with my “wife” that I never would. This caused many arguments and eventually I did the worst thing you could ever do to a pregnant woman and cheated on her.
Since then we have both kept friends of the opposite gender that we talk to for this reason or another, but she always made it a point to distant herself from what I call the “tryst trio,” and that lifestyle. Here we are now with two beautiful daughters whom are 1 and 3 years old, yet, we still can’t seem to get it right. Scarier than that she is friends with the “tryst trio” once again and they seem closer than ever. All three women keep telling me I have nothing to worry about because that was in the past and they are all mothers now and that was when they were young and dumb, blah blah blah.
But, recently, I saw messages from her “best friend” asking her to go down that path. When they were confronted they apologized and said it was a mistake and that they were mad at me and that they were “besties.” They were just talking stuff.
I don’t want my fiancé hanging with these girls anymore, but when I brought up an ultimatum she basically said she’s not going to let me run her life and choose her friends. She and her family are calling me delusional and crazy and insecure, but I think I have reasons to be suspicious. I read this blog everyday so I finally decided to ask for help. What do you think? – She May Do It Again
Dear Ms. She May Do It Again,
You had no problem when your fiancé was pregnant and she confessed that she and some of her friends used to have wild trysts, lesbian sex, and even 3-somes. You claim you have always been an advocate for alternative relationships, i.e. open relationships, polygamy, swinging, etc., as long as it is done honestly and safely. And, you never judged her for that, but, instead it made you love her and accept her even more. So, when she wants to settle down and be traditional and get married you have a problem with it because you claim you know some of the men she and her girls have “partied” with and you would hate them having experiences with your “wife” that you never had.
You can’t be serious. You sound real dumb. You don’t want the woman you plan to marry to be ran through, yet, you are in a relationship with her, and you impregnate her? She is good enough to lay around with, make her your girlfriend, and get her pregnant, but you don’t want to get married to her? Then, why are you in a relationship with her? If you are concerned about the men and women she’s been with, and she is not the “good girl” you thought she was, then why stay?
But, there are even more holes in your logic and you sound more like a bird than her. Throughout your letter you brag about your tendency to remain single, and be promiscuous, as if that is some badge of honor or some bragging rights that make you a good catch. Bruh, please stop! You are bragging about the time you were in high school and while she was in a relationship you were single but were her side piece. And, you’re beating your chest as if it was all cool because you were hanging with other students who were known as the “promiscuous” group. That is nothing to brag about. That doesn’t prove or make you a man, or to be some great catch. You were silly and immature, and you still are.
Then, you sit up and say that you and she reconnected after a few years. She had a child by a married man, but you were this good guy who decided to be a step-father to her child, and you two became exclusive. You really do have a complex about yourself. Notice how you once again say how you were single and promiscuous, but she ended up getting pregnant by a married man. This is the second time you are throwing her under the bus. The first time she was in a relationship in high school, and you were sleeping with her. But, yet, you were single and promiscuous. Then, after she got pregnant at 15 or 16 years old, and didn’t know who the father was, she decided to remain faithful to the guy and she got an abortion. Your snide bashing of her is not cute. You are putting all her business in the streets, but notice how you don’t put any of your dirty laundry out there. You keep painting yourself as if you are this saint who has done no wrong. Don’t throw stones from your glass house!
You still keep throwing her under the bus and bashing her, snidely, when you say she was involved in 3-somes, wild trysts, and lesbian sex. And, when she confessed it made you love her more because you are open-minded and an advocate for open relationships, yet, you have a problem when she wants to give all that up and be monogamous and eventually get married. What happened to you being open minded? What happened to your being an advocate for swinging and polygamy? You don’t want her now because you really are not that open-minded when it’s on your front step. You really are not much of an advocate when it is in your home.
What’s sad is that while she was pregnant you cheated on her. She confessed and told you all about her past and what she did, yet, you still cheated on her. So, did you confess and let her know what you did? Have you been honest with her about your infidelities? No, you haven’t, but yet, you want bash her, point fingers at her for her past, and make her out to be this whore. The irony is that you were/are the whore, thus, you attracted which you are, but you want to make her out to be the bad woman. Boy, please have several seats.
Now, you have a problem that she has reconnected with her friends that she used to run with and whom she was having wild trysts with. You don’t want her to be friends with them, and you are now feeling a type of way because her friend solicited her, and when confronted they tell you it’s a joke and they were just playing.
Look here, bruh, why is she your fiancé? Why are you interested in moving forward with a relationship that you are uncomfortable in? She has told you that she is not going to stop being friends with her former tryst buddies. She is not going to let you run her life. You say you have suspicions about her and her friends. You don’t like that she has had a past with people you know, especially men she has been with. You cheated on her while she was pregnant. You even claim that you and she can’t seem to get it right in your relationship. Then, why are you in this relationship? Why did you get her pregnant and have a child? If you have all these morals and values that she does not fit or fall in line with, then, nothing you can do or say will change that. Not even marrying her.
I swear some of you make –ish more difficult than it really is. If you have doubts, then get out of the relationship. If you don’t have trust, marriage will not fix it. And, if you have suspicions about your partner and the friends they keep, then, why are you in a relationship with them? Why are you going through all these motions and ignoring your instincts, gut, and intuition? If it doesn’t feel right, then it’s not right. If you have concerns, then address them. If your partner is not willing to compromise and work with you, then, getting married will not resolve any of these issues. They will simply multiply and fester.
Save yourself the headache and drama. You don’t love her. You don’t trust her. You have already cheated, and I’m sure you will do it again. Just like you feel she can’t change, neither can you. How about you work and resolve all of your issues, and get yourself together before you implicate and judge others. You feel uncomfortable with her friends, and her past because you know how you were, and how you are. Your trust issues has nothing to do with her, it’s that you don’t trust yourself. – Terrance Dean
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