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Dear Bossip,

I started sleeping with an old coworker at the beginning of the year. I’m 28 years old, and so is he.

I thought he was everything I wanted in a man. He works hard, loves his kids, and owns a home. Here’s the thing, I knew he was married to the mother of his children. Not to sound heartless, but I didn’t care he had a family. He told me he only kept the relationship going for their 2 kids. That they have been together since high school, but they have grown apart.

By the end of April I found out I was pregnant. He became more distant, but he promised me he would get a divorce because she moved out. I had a nagging feeling he was lying. So, I go to his house. Well, all my suspicions were confirmed when she answered the door. I told her I was sleeping with her husband. She slapped my face and told me to stay away from her husband, children and home. He immediately came to the door before I could tell her I was pregnant. We got into a huge argument. He called me names, screamed in my face and threw my purse in the street and pushed me towards my car. Later, he texted me saying that he didn’t want my child and never to come by his home again.

Weeks passed. We finally talk and he told me he can’t give me the relationship I want. He told me to get an abortion. I out right told him no. We get into a screaming match and he throws around my things again. He accused me of poking holes in the condoms we used to trap him because he always wore protection. That I won’t be a mother or his wife, not even his baby momma, just a hoe with a baby. He told me he has been staying with his mother because she won’t let him in the house.

A few weeks later my mother throws me an announcement party for our baby. He was there and in the middle of the party he gets a phone call from her. His entire mood changes. Later, I get texts from her, calling me a whore and that he will never divorce her. I showed him and he said she was just angry because he told her that he wanted a divorce finally. I told him to prove it. He became angry and told me I was just trying to get a “hoe promotion” and force him to leave his family.

I didn’t see him for weeks after the party. It turns out he was at home and lied about staying with his mother. She went through his phone and saw our texts about my pregnancy. I found this out because I went to his house and he told me. He says I was just a mistake and that none of this would be happening if he just left me alone. I try to tell him he deserves to be happy and we can work on it together. He tells me to get off his property before his neighbors see my fat  a**. He screams in my face to leave before he makes me. He slams the door in my face. I bang on the door until he answered. He grabs my arm and starts leading me to my car. I tell him if he doesn’t let me go and talk to me, I’ll call the police. He grabs my purse, takes my phone and breaks it by throwing it against the ground. Then, he goes back inside and slams the door. I cry in my car until he comes back out, instead of talking to me he just drives off.

We have since worked things out and are trying to build trust. He says he wants to be together, but we get into awful fights all the time. He calls me names and tells me he wants nothing to do with me after the baby comes, just to be a father, and that his ex is more attractive than me. I woke up and caught him looking at pictures of her on his phone one night when we were in bed together. He started making racial comments. I’m white and he is African-American, but his ex is multiracial and his children with her are partially white. So, I know it’s just to be mean. He always apologizes and tells me he is trying to be a better person.

My self-esteem is at an all time low. I hate that he compares me to her. He doesn’t want to be with her. I hear him tell her on the phone that he wants to be with me. I read his texts and it says the same things, but he also asks her to come home and that he is very sorry. He asks her to send pictures of herself and he sends her pictures of his penis. He still has her number in his phone under trophy wife, although I asked him to change it. He got angry with me and told me because that’s what she is and I’m the consolation prize. Later, he apologized and he told me it would stop and that he is just in a bad place.

I went by his house recently and she was there getting things. I tried apologizing. She said she doesn’t have to forgive me, that if I wanted it, to go ask God. I asked her if he ever treated her badly, like yelling and throwing things. She said besides cheating on her with me, no, and that it must be just me and that he seems really depressed right now. She said that I bring out the worst in him. I told her I wanted our children to meet one day and we planned to get married, so she should move on and stop being so bitter. I also said that they should start coming over and he didn’t have to have supervised visits at her mother’s house, and that she uses it as an excuse to see him. She started laughing at me and said they were soul mates and to leave her kids out of this. She was mocking me. So, I told her to get all her s**t out of my man’s house. She told me to get away from her car and stay away from her children before she hit me again. We’re arguing, when he drives up. She told him she would never allow his kids around me and he needs to teach me my place, and that I have no right to speak to her or make decisions about their children. She drives off, leaving us there to argue. Since then she refuses to talk to him, even about the children. She won’t let him see them. He tells me that he blames me for the demise of his marriage and why he can’t see his children, and that is why he gets so angry with me, but he should really blame himself. I was not married to her. I didn’t make a commitment to her, he did.

I feel awful sometimes. My intentions going into this are nothing like the outcome. The pregnancy was unplanned. I see what I did to his family was very wrong, but like I said that was his commitment, not mine. I understand I didn’t know him as well as I thought I did and he lied to me a lot, but I love him. I want to live together and be a family, but he says I’m the reason he lost his family when he is angry. He refuses to move in with me or let me live with him. He just lives in his dirty house with all his ex’s stuff and children things exactly where they left them. She left three months ago and he refuses to clean it up. He tells me he is waiting on her to come back and help him clean up. He recently had to get a second job because he is behind on their mortgage payments. Now, he has to start paying child support for their two children and she is asking for alimony.

My question is what type of relationship can I have with him? If any? He can’t give me the relationship I want, I know that. Nothing is perfect, so I accept it. He has a lot of baggage but I’m willing to help him carry it. I’m so overwhelmed with his divorce and custody drama, and I don’t want to me in the middle of it. He tells me he wants to be with me and will marry me, but I can’t help to feel like I am a consolation prize since he wouldn’t file for divorce, she did. He told me it doesn’t matter who did, as long as it happens but it matters to me. I feel like his rebound and we will be his rebound family. Will I always feel like Robin Givens in a Toni Braxton video? Like she is laughing at me. I love him, but I don’t want to bring my child into this mess in a few weeks. My child deserves a father and to know his siblings. I don’t want to ruin their relationship before it begins, but some days I want to be with him and others I just want to runaway. What should I do? – The Baggage Carrying Consolation Prize

Dear Ms. The Baggage Carrying Consolation Prize,

You don’t have a relationship with him! What makes you believe that he is someone you’re in a relationship with? If you know he can’t give you the relationship that you want, then why are you pursuing and hoping he does give you one? Why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t even consider you a woman? He’s dismissive of you and his soon-to-be born child. Why do you want someone like that? And, you are not a consolation prize. You aren’t any type of prize. You are a home-wrecking tramp. You got involved with this man knowing he was married, and you said, “I knew he was married to the mother of his children. Not to sound heartless, but I didn’t care he had a family.” Now, any woman who would get involved with a married man with a family has no respect for herself. She is gutter, trifling, and just some side piece rat. I don’t care what he told you about his wife, and the problems they were having. He never told you the truth, and he only told you what you wanted to hear because all he wanted from you was sex, which you happily gave to him. You both are idiotic slow in the head dumb-asses.

Then, you sit up here talking about you don’t want to be in the middle of his messy divorce and custody drama. Uhm, sweetie, I hate to tell you this but you are the cause of it. How dare you say you don’t want anything to do with this. You and he are the reason this is happening.

This man has berated you, belittled you, put his hands on you, and you still want to be with him. You are still running after him hoping he will marry you and start a family with you. HUH? Are you that damn stupid? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? He has stated over and over again that he doesn’t want you, he doesn’t love you, and he doesn’t desire you. He compares you to his soon-to-be ex-wife, and tells you that she is a better woman than you, and he is waiting for her to come back home so that they can be together. He won’t move in with you, nor move you into his home. He berates you by calling you out of your name. He belittles you and makes you feel less than. He has put his hands on you by grabbing you and shoving you away from him, and then he has destroyed your property. Yet, you find all of this love? You find him and his acts desirable?

You are definitely touched in the head.

Seriously, something is wrong with you that you chase after a married man. You confront his wife, and act as if you have some ownership or claim to him because as the jump-off who got pregnant you feel you and he are going to be together based on the lies he told you. I don’t understand women like you. Then, you expect, or, rather hope that he will leave his family to be with you. He will never marry you. He will never make you his woman. He will never claim you as his family. He is only telling you all of this because he is afraid you will put him on child support like his wife, and he will end up broke and penniless living in a studio apartment with nothing. Of course he is going to tell you what you want to hear.

I could write and tell you how you deserve better, and you don’t deserve this treatment, but it would be a lie. I could write and tell you to leave him alone because he will never marry you, and to work on yourself, and build your self-esteem, but that would be a lie. You are convinced in your head that you and he will be together. You are convinced that he will marry you. And, sadly, you feel as if you had nothing to do with why this situation has turned into what it has. You feel you are innocent, and you didn’t help to create any of this. You forget that you went to his house attempting to catch him in a lie about his living situation. You forget that you are the side piece who wanted to upgrade her status, and in the meantime, you wanted him to leave his wife to be with you. You forget that your mother threw you an announcement party for your baby, but did she or you tell the guests that you were pregnant by a married man who already has a family? Therefore, because I know you won’t heed to any advice I provide, nor will you give up your pursuits of trying to make a relationship when there is none, then, you and he deserve each other. You deserve everything you are going to get. You won’t ever be happy. You will forever be miserable, and you deserve all the misery that you have created. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

   

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