Dear Bossip: I Harbor Secrets, Been Unfaithful & Have An Addiction, But I Love Him

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

Let me start off saying that I genuinely love the person that my boyfriend is, but I have a problem that I can’t stop or maybe I need help.

I’ve been with my boyfriend since we were 14 years old. We’re in our early twenties now and honestly it’s been crazy with some good moments. I say that because we have both lived with each other’s families. We used to fight (physically) all the time. He wouldn’t keep a job more than a month and in turn he had an addiction to weed and would just use up all of our money.

Now, he is a sweet sincere person. I give him that, but sometimes (for a long time) I felt like he would put me second to everything. I love him because he’s forgiven me for more than I could ever have envisioned. I’ve lied to him about everything in the beginning. It felt weird and embarrassing telling him my most deepest darkest secrets I never wanted to tell anyone else; not even myself. I would tell myself that I deserved to be with him because I put up with his “baggage,” his family that drives me crazy, and him not staying with a job, and because we share financial responsibilities and a bank account. But, I’ve hurt him and I vowed to myself that I would stop lying to him and be honest, but for some reasons I can’t.

I have an addiction to adult sex movies as well and that would get to me at night, or whenever I was by myself. I would also look up dating sites that were just for hook-ups. When I stayed with him at his mother’s I cheated with a girl I met online. I also cheated with this guy I used to have sex with, and recently with my childhood crush. I kept making excuses as to why I would do this because I hated his family and he would treat me as second. He didn’t have money to take care of me and I was ALWAYS working. I deserved some attention. I never thought I would confess, but I need help.

I genuinely love the person he is and I want to be with him. He wants to provide for me and start a family, but his priorities get all messed up, and I can’t stop cheating. I sometimes feel like he’s trying to turn a “free-spirited” girl into a housewife. But, I think it’s all out my system now, at least I really want it to be. I think because he wants me to be his wife that’s why, but I also don’t want someone else to have him. I want to tell him, but I don’t want us to be over. I want to clean up my act and stay faithful to my boyfriend. I want us to get counseling so that I can express myself to him what I really feel because I never can. He’s faithful and deserves from me to be a better, faithful, and loving girlfriend. I do want us to work because I love him and he honestly loves me like no one else does or has. Please help me. – Why Can’t I Stay Faithful

Dear Ms. Why Can’t I Stay Faithful,

Misery loves company. Those in dark places love to bring people with them into their darkness. You are so low, so conniving that you even wrote this letter claiming you want to be the perfect, better, faithful and loving girlfriend when in actuality you don’t. You harbor secrets, cheat, lie, deceive, and claim to be a “free-spirit,” when in actuality you’re a hoe. You’re unfaithful. You’re deceptive. You string your boyfriend along because you’re hurting and because you feel he’s just as hurt due to his own baggage, crazy family, weed habit, and inability to maintain a job, then he is the perfect mate for you. You feel that if he’s just as messed up as you, then he can’t complain about all your baggage, dirt, lies, and dishonesty. Hell, to you you’re a saint compared to him. Right?

But, you have all these secrets that you’re keeping from him, yet, he’s an open book. So, if we’re going to point fingers at who’s dirtier, and who’s more unstable, then you better take a close look at yourself. You keep making excuses for your behavior and why you’re cheating and lying to your boyfriend. It’s something much deeper at hand. Something that you have not resolved, and you’re taking it out on your boyfriend. In your letter you say that you cheat and do the things you do because you don’t like his family, your boyfriend makes you feel second, and he doesn’t have money to do things for you. He’s basically inept as a boyfriend. So, why are you with him? Why are you holding on to this relationship?

You’ve cheated multiple times, and you are keeping secrets about your past from him. He doesn’t even know you. He’s in a relationship with a woman he knows nothing about. Then, instead of being honest and telling him the truth about your past, your infidelities, and your lies you keep doing it. He wants to marry you, but in all honesty you don’t want to marry him because you’re a free-spirited person. So, if he wants one thing, and you want another, then there is no reason you and he should be together. You have different goals, different expectations.

I love how you people sit up here and say you love someone, and you want to work things out with them, yet, you’re unfaithful, you’re lying and keeping secrets. That isn’t love. Love is not hurting the other person. Love is not keeping secrets and lying to them. Love is not cheating, and having multiple affairs. Love is not blaming the other person for your failures. Love is not playing the victim. You don’t love him, you don’t even love yourself. You’re out here screwing everybody else, putting yourself at risk, and then coming back and laying up with your boyfriend acting as if you’re doing nothing wrong. You’re trifling and disgusting.

Then, you know you have an addiction to adult sex movies, but you won’t do anything about it. Instead, you act on your impulses, and go out and screw whomever can help you get your rocks off because you’re mad at yourself. Girl, this is a serious matter, and you need professional help. This addiction is running your life, and ruining your relationship. It has you online searching for your next fix, and as a result you’re online looking to hook-up and have anonymous sex. That is not healthy or safe. Your judgment is cloudy and you’re making poor decisions that are affecting your mental and emotional well-being. It will also resort in you doing harm to your body.

You’re already mentally and emotionally unstable. And, as a result, you’re in an unhealthy relationship with your boyfriend. You can’t fix and work on you while remaining in this relationship. As much as you may think he is good, great, and wonderful, unfortunately, in your darkness, and in your instability anything will look sane. You have to do some serious work on yourself, and it begins with being honest and truthful to yourself. You even stated that your past and secrets are things you wouldn’t tell yourself. Thus, if you won’t be real and honest with you, then how can you be real and honest with anyone else? Get into therapy with a professional therapist, and work on your issues. You can’t resolve your life until you resolve your past, and your secrets. This relationship will unfortunately end. Physical fighting, emotional abuse, and the constant lies and dishonesty is not a relationship. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

   

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