The Things White People Got Mad At In 2015
Angry White people had a stellar 2015. They found any and all positive Black things to be mad at. And we enjoyed every moment. Their White tears kept the Earth from overheating in 2015. Their White tears helped water crops during droughts. Their White tears were bottled and given to the Obamas to bathe in every night.
So thank you. Your anger at Black Excellence has been refreshing.
John Boyega Being In Star Wars – Star Wars fans launched an entire campaign to boycott the movie because there was a Black main character who was also wielding a lightsaber. But Boyega didn’t blink. He kept celebrating and being excellent. Glory, glory.
Tennis Players Complained About Serena Williams’ “Body” – Right before Serena Williams was on course to lock up the Grand Slam (which she eventually lost, unfortunately), the New York Times ran a story about how other tennis players don’t want to be as “muscular” as Serena because they want to keep their femininity. That’s why they can’t beat her. Um, ok.
White People Were Mad Serena Williams Was Sportsperson Of The Year And Not A Horse – Serena Williams had White people mad all year. This time, they were angry she won SportsPERSON of the year over a cotdamned horse. A horse, fam. A horse.
Cam Newton’s Pelvic Thrust – Cam Newton is undefeated. That’s 14-0 and he’s the frontrunner for NFL MVP. Plus, when he scores touchdowns he dabs and dances a bit. One mom was so offended by his “pelvic thrusts” that she wrote an open letter to it. Poor mom. May your tears be sustenance for your struggle.
White People “Scared” By Nicki Minaj – Nicki Minaj called Miley Cyrus out at the VMAs and people went crazy over it. They called her “vicious” and “savage” for just calling Miley out over her throwing shade on Twitter. Man, toughen up and get your life together.
Iggy Azalea’s Career Spiral – Iggy Azalea’s tears have fueled our lifeblood all year. It started with her getting disrespected by Papa John’s pizza of all places and the rest of her career getting put to sleep. She got kicked off of Twitter like five times and came back more sad than before. Iggy, your tears are healing the rap game one drop at a time.
The #AllLivesMatter Crowd – The #AllLivesMatter crowd came out to be all “EVERYBODY MATTERS” whenever someone would yell #BlackLivesMatter. Fact is, these people were just finding ways to discredit Black Lives Matter and we know what it is. Because when White people got killed, the #AllLivesMatter crowd didn’t say a damn thing.
White People Mad That This Image Was Too Diverse – On Veterans Day, Google let out this doodle to show appreciation to the people who served the country. Unfortunately, some people were angry with how diverse the picture was and launched angry tirades at them. Seriously.
The #GrowingUpWhite Hashtag – There was a #GrowingUpBlack hashtag that had Black people on Twitter reliving their favorite memories. Then White people started a #GrowingUpWhite to crash the party and shame the hashtag. So Black folks took it over and enjoyed the tears.
The Black Hermione – There’s a new Harry Potter play coming and there’s been a Black Hermione cast. And boyyyyy White people are angryyyyyy. Our response? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL