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Dear Bossip,

I’m a 30 year old female who is on active duty in the Navy. I have been in for 7 years. I love my job.

I have a 10 year old son who is my everything. I’m currently stationed in a place that looks like little Mexico. Being out here I realized I am very attracted to white men, which is something new to me. I feel like I have everything a woman could want. The house, the active and extremely athletic son who keeps me pretty busy, but I’m just missing a love interest in my life. I believe in love at first sight, so let me tell you about this jerk.

One day I’m at work and a male friend that I have known now for almost 3 years is getting transferred, so his replacement is now here. I’m at my computer minding my business when this tall SEXY dark haired thin white E6 walks in. OMG! Time stopped as I was introduced to him. My heart jumped out my chest as our eyes met. He “seemed” like he felt the spark also. He insisted on getting my number so I could be his point of contact for when things needs to come to my job. He is active duty also.

Well, after that he texted and texted and texted me every moment. Did I forget to say he has 2 cell phones? Red flag number one. He gave the excuse that when one dies he has the other one. I thought weird, but oh well. After a week went by of us talking all day, he asked if he could come see me and I agreed. He showed up and he brought me the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen. Needless to say I think he had me at hello. I never introduce anyone to my son unless I know it’s going somewhere. I felt like, okay girl, you have to live a little, so I let the introduction happen. My son liked him immediately, which was a surprise. That night we had drinks and got a little too drunk so I couldn’t let him drive home after that. It was like a puzzle finally coming together, or at least I thought so.

I started seeing a side of him that I kinda didn’t like, but hey this is still new so I let it go. He is into the club scene, even though he is 2 years older than me. He always wanted to go back to his home town, which is about 2-3 hours away, every weekend. He would make promises to my son that I didn’t know about, but never came through. I only found out when my son would say where is he? He said we were going to go do this. When I would call either of his phones he wouldn’t answer, but text me that he is back home and would see us on Sunday. Sunday came and went. He was at my house every day, but on the weekends he was very short or too busy to talk.

Then he hit me with the he thinks we rushed into a relationship too fast. Even after we both agreed it was love at first sight. Am I missing something? I feel like I’m too old for games and I just want someone who wants to be with me and my son. I feel really lost now. He is in my dreams every night even when I try not to think about him. When he shows up at work he acts like we are still together, but when he gets home I don’t hear from him. Am I the one who is tripping or what? I don’t know what to say or do. He went from a sweet most thoughtful gentleman to an asshole jerk. I know he is a flashy type and I’m a want to stay home type, but what really happened? Please help me get the answer that is probably right in my face. – Very Cute Confused Navy Woman

Dear Ms. Very Cute Confused Navy Woman,

Uhm, I hate to break this to you, but you are not a very cute confused Navy woman. You are a Naïve Navy Woman.

Girl, girl, girl, girl, girl. Stevie Wonder can see that this man is either, 1.) married or, 2.) he has a girlfriend in his home town, which explains why he goes home every weekend. You, my dear, are his work and base “girl,” or, rather, you’re his side chick on base. His wife, or girlfriend at home is the main chick, his main woman.

Ma’am, let’s take a slow walk into a number of red flags issued in your letter. Red flag number one – Please tell me why you would get involved with in an office romance? I know you are in the military, and you’re lonely, and you want some male company and attention. But, don’t you know that office romances never work, regardless of what type of work you do, including the military. They are disasters waiting to happen. They never end well.

Red flag number two – He has two cell phones. You meet a man in the office, he asks for your number, and you notice he has two cell phones. His excuse is that if one dies then he has a backup. THE HELL!?! Why not carry a damn charger for your phone? Or, a replacement battery. But, two phones should have let you know that he is using one for personal and the other for pleasure. And, I’m sure his wife or girlfriend does not know he has two cell phones, or he probably lied to them as well and told them that because he’s away during the week on the base, and he has a lot of responsibilities he needs to the two phones for his commanding officers, or others to get in contact with him. And, like you, they believed his lie and never questioned it, or him. He has two phones for a reason, and it’s not work related. Trust.

Red flag number three – This is based on the above red flag number two. Sweetie, the man you think is the man of your dreams, your soul mate, and potential love of your life is married or has a girlfriend in his home town, which explains why he leaves every weekend, is short in his responses to you and he only texts and never takes your calls. He is at home with his wife or girlfriend. Please tell me that you are not that naïve to notice any of this, and the thought of him being in another relationship at home is the reason he can’t take your calls, and he only texts. If you and he were love at first sight, then, don’t you think he would make every attempt to make sure he answers your calls, or at least spend some weekends with you instead rushing home every weekend?

Red flag number four – He hits you with the, “I think we moved into a relationship too fast.” He’s back peddling. He’s trying to find a way to get out of this because he knows that his wife or girlfriend, or someone at work is going to bust him, or make you aware of his life at home. When a man starts saying the relationship is going too fast, then, he is having second thoughts. He is reconsidering if this is what he really wants. I get the sense that this man really wanted a fling, or to make you his side piece, and things moved too fast when you introduced him to your son, and started talking love, and relationships. Now, he is basically telling you that this isn’t what he really wants.

Red flag number five – He is making plans and commitments with your 10 year old son, which you are unaware of, and he doesn’t follow through with them. A man who doesn’t keep his commitments and promises to a child is not a man whom you should be looking to include or make a part of your life. He is already failing to maintain his commitments, and he is lying to a 10 year old child. He can’t be trusted. Thus, let go of the thirst, and the desperation because it is not love at first sight, or love at all. You’re trying to make this puzzle fit into a piece of your life that doesn’t fit or belong. You have told yourself that you’re this amazing woman, with all the trappings of life, but you don’t have a man, and in order to feel complete, or to complete your image of this perfect life, then, you need a man and all will be complete. Stop being so thirsty, and so anxious to have a man in your life that you are missing all the red flags blaring right in your face. If you weren’t so quick to jump the gun and move this man practically into your home, you would see that this man is a player. He is not into you as you are into him. He doesn’t fulfill his commitments. He’s a liar. He can’t be trusted. And, he’s already in a relationship and you’re too blind to notice you are his side piece, his jump off, his work week girl.

Get your head out of the clouds, out of the sand, and out of your ass. Wake up! You have a false sense of reality, and you are confusing storybook romance with your real life. Let go of the fantasy you’ve created in your head. Don’t let your temporary weakness, and loneliness warp your cognitive thinking skills and instincts. That man is not who you think he is. He is a fraud. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

   

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