Dear Bossip: My Man Is Friends With His Ex-Wife & I Think It’s Inappropriate

- By Bossip Staff

Black woman fed up 1

Dear Bossip,

I’ve been dating a divorced man for five months. We got along so well that he began talking about our “future.” I was right with him!

He told me right away that he was friends with his ex and her live-in boyfriend and introduced me to them. He and his ex talked and texted every day. I thought nothing of it. He complained that she was a control freak and needed to make sure he received any news of their kids, etc.

We were so close and very happy until he innocently and sweetly proclaimed his love for me on social media. All hell, (hell being his ex wife), broke loose!

She blew up his phone screaming about how it will affect the kids, who are 19 and 22 year old men, called his friends, crying, etc. His kids called him to congratulate him. I was shocked! Why was she so upset? Then I realized that she was stalking our FB pictures, and continually calling his friends to stir up trouble. She was saying negative things about me to anyone who would listen. Her daily calls and texts to him became nasty and I had had enough.

I told him he needed to create boundaries with her. He said he did and spoke to her about it, but he began to leave his phone out of my presence and only pulled it out when I left the room. One night, we made a fabulous dinner and he took a picture and texted it to her! He’d been secretly keeping up communication with her to “avoid hurting my feelings.” I told him that it was him inviting this drama into our lives and him refusing to be respectful of me and my feelings and adhere to appropriate levels of communication. This was HIS fault NOT hers! I left very upset and we broke up for two weeks.

We got back together and the first thing he told me was that he was taking a road trip with his ex and their son to meet their other son when his ship docked in Virginia and I had to be okay with it. I was just fine until I heard him on the phone with his ex downplaying a wonderful Thanksgiving we had together. Again, I got upset and hurt. He insisted I had no reason to be upset and I was being unreasonably jealous. I left, which caused him to consider breaking up with me again. Then, his ex wife started texting me to help. They both called me jealous. I texted them both that I wasn’t jealous, and that they were being disrespectful. She eventually invited me to go to Virginia with them, which upset my boyfriend who told me it was a “family thing” and it would be awkward. So, no, I could not go with them.

I was STILL cool with their trip and didn’t get upset or jealous the whole week. The trouble is that I’m now very suspicious of him outside of his friendship with his ex. I’ve caught him omitting details of stories and I can tell when he does. He said, “I went for a late night walk,” but he really walked to the bar. One night, he said he was too busy to make the 45 minute drive to visit me, but then later asked if he could sleep over after he watched his 25 year old female singer/actor acquaintance perform down the road from my place. He was going alone. They have acting class together and once or twice a year the class will go as a group if she performs nearby. I felt his driving 45 minutes alone to see her perform was kind of creepy being that he is a 55 year old man and they aren’t close friends.

Each little thing he does sets me more and more on edge. I become more and more jealous and suspicious. He considers himself a very philosophical man and treats me like I’m being ridiculous and way out of line. He insists I have trust issues. I admit that I don’t automatically trust men because of past experiences, but I think he’s buying and paying for my suspicion and jealousy.

Yesterday, while sitting with my family, I brought up his FB page (which he insisted I friend him on and I’ve looked at only twice) to show them a picture when I found a picture of him sharing a two person cocktail with a woman. They all saw it. I got very upset. I called him and texted him, “WTF? S.O.B.” It took him an hour to reply. I didn’t argue or yell. I just let him explain. Turns out the picture was from last year. Of course I’m in trouble for being jealous. Now he’s barely talking to me. Am I out of line? – Jealous Or Not

Dear Ms. Jealous Or Not,

You should not be in a relationship with HIM! You should not be dating HIM! He is not the man for you.

You both have issues, but your trust issues with men and his inappropriate relationship with his ex-wife is causing both of you to act like you’re teenagers with all this jealousy, and drama with texting and fighting and arguing. No one has time for all of this.

Yes, he needs to have boundaries with his ex-wife, but if they are friends, and they have children whom are part of their lives, then you can’t change that, or expect him to let go of his relationship with his children. You didn’t mention how long they were married, and how long ago they got divorced, but if he’s 50 years old, then I’ll assume he was married for a good number of years, especially if the  children are 19 and 22 years old. They have history together. That cannot be erased. You are entering in a dynamic that has a past, and it’s obvious it’s part of their present reality. If this makes you uncomfortable, and you don’t like it, then don’t be involved with him. You don’t have to stay. You’ve only been with him 5 months, so you won’t miss anything by ending it. Yes, he’s talking about a future, but if he is not listening to you, or you feel disrespected and your demands and requests are not being heard, then, he is not the man for you. If he is not making any changes or adjusting his behavior, especially without lying about it, then, you’re settling. You’re setting yourself up. Get out now.

And, if his ex-wife is getting upset, and causing drama and stress because he publicly announced your relationship, and she’s stalking your FB page, then, trust and believe that the drama will ensue and increase as time continues. I don’t see how his announcing his relationship will affect his grown children. She is childish and immature. She loves that she still has some hold on him, and over him. Yes, they are too engrained in each other’s lives, and it’s not healthy for him as he works to move on, or, if he is interested in moving on. Which I seriously doubt he is. Let him go!

Also, in regards to the “family” trip to Virginia, if her boyfriend doesn’t seem to have a problem or any issues with her relationship with her ex-husband, and he wasn’t tagging along with them to Virginia, so why does this seem to bother you? If this is something they do as a family, why not allow them to have that time together? You state you were fine with it, but your concern is that he didn’t want you to go, while his ex-wife invited you. I wouldn’t want to be on that trip with them anyway. Save yourself. Their relationship is not healthy.

Also, your issue is with your man. It’s not her. He is the problem, as you stated earlier. He is the one who is keeping up the drama. He is the one who is not being honest and truthful with you. I think he is telling her one thing, and he’s telling you another. He’s texting her behind your back. He’s maintaining communication with her and lying about it. He’s sending her pictures, and he downplayed your Thanksgiving meal. Why? Why is he doing this? He is hiding something, and I am aiming to guess that he is a liar, he’s dishonest, and he is not giving you all the information or details. You stated that you can tell when he is not disclosing all the information to you, or he is withholding details. So, why stay with a man who is omitting details? Why be with someone who lies to you?

This is the same man who can drive 45 minutes to go see another woman, a much younger woman, perform in the same city where you live, yet, he could not drive the 45 minutes to come spend time with you. Uhm, sweetie, this is not brain science or surgery. He has a wondering eye, and probably a wondering penis. I am not saying he’s cheating, but I do suspect that he is interested in other women, and if given the chance or opportunity he will take up another woman who happens to capture his attention.

You have trust issues. You don’t trust him. This is not difficult to figure out. He is giving you reasons to not trust him. In 5 months he is showing you who he is. Believe him. Nothing will change. He is who he is. You’re fighting with him, breaking up with him, and having it out with his ex-wife with her telling you that you’re jealous is too much drama, and too much stress. LET IT GO! Work on you. Take the time to work on your trust issues with men, and you won’t continue to attract men like your man whom you can’t trust. You will always meet and attract these men in your life because you attract that which you are. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! 

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