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pregnant woman sad

Dear Bossip,

So, currently I am 6 months pregnant. Before I got pregnant the father of my child would say he is single, but would get upset if I said I was single.

We had fun together. We would spend a lot of time together and we never went more than 2 days without seeing each other. I never pressured him for a relationship. We were just enjoying each other.

A few months go by and we get tested and we stop using protection. I know my body and I would tell him I’m going to get pregnant. He would say he couldn’t have kids. He is in his late 30s and has no children. I’m in my early 30s and have a 3 year old. So, I would tell him when I knew I was ovulating which didn’t matter because those days it seemed like he was more passionate.

After a few months I took a test and like I predicted I was pregnant. Then, he started being distant. He would come around but just not as often. I didn’t pressure him because I know he doesn’t have any children, so it would be a little scary to be almost 40 years old and to have your first child.

I started feeling sick before I found out I was pregnant. After I found out I felt worse and I knew it wasn’t the baby. He kept telling me to go the doctor and have them test my blood. I did exactly that. I’m in the ER waiting on test results, I’m alone and thinking he probably gave me something why else would I need my blood tested.

The results are in and the doctor asks if I was anemic, I say yes, then, he tells me I’m not going home and I’m hospitalized for the next week. They said the pregnancy was a good thing, but I needed a blood transfusion. I was terrified.

He barely answered my calls so I texted him a lot and they were very angry text. He finally showed up the next day. He walks in and pulls out his money and said I just got paid you can have my whole check to get rid of it. He spent the night, but we bumped heads until he went to sleep. I didn’t get any sleep of course. The hospital staff made sure of that.

The next morning I tell him to leave. We talked everyday and he would ask to come back, but I would decline and say my mom was coming. Truth was, I was devastated and wanted to be alone. I would even tell my parents he was with me just so no one would see me hurting. That happened when I was 6 weeks pregnant.

Fast toward to 5 months. We were still cool but not the same. I hated him. I didn’t want to see him. He still had a key to my place, but I wanted it back. We now used condoms, which I hated him even more for. But, after he told me he was seeing other people I would not have unprotected sex with him. We had sex about once a month and every time we did, even though we used a condom, I would schedule a pelvic exam and blood work. Then, I just got over him. I decided to pull a him and had sex with someone else. We hadn’t seen each other in weeks. So, I did what I wanted.

I am friends with the other guy and didn’t want anything more than a one night stand. I just wanted to get over my child’s father rather than be single. Well, I thought. My child’s father kept calling by this time and he had returned my key. I hated him. I told him what happened and he went ballistic. Good thing I did it over the phone. I was at work, so I turned my phone off. When I checked it again he was still going ham. I then lied and said I cheated with a girl. He believed me. He started coming around, but I didn’t want him too.

One day soon as he leaves I get evidence that soon as he was out of my sight he was chasing women. I called him and told him. He wanted to know how I knew and I told him everything I knew about him and the girl and he was shocked. He thought I put something on his phone. I didn’t. I will never tell how I found out, but I didn’t go out of my way at all.

So, he comes the next day being nice to me. I’m not interested. Then, he goes through my phone and I just knew I was good because there was no sign of communication with the other guys, and weeks had passed without us speaking. I was wrong. Somewhere in a thread to my home girl was me telling her that I lied about cheating with a girl. He kept saying I can’t believe you cheated while my baby is in your belly. I would say I can’t believe you cheated while your baby is in my stomach. I told him how angry I was and how hurt I was every time he would offer me abortion money, which was pretty much every time he saw me up until month 5 of my pregnancy. I told him I was over him and that I did it to leave and not to stay with him. I also told him I never cheated because according to him we were never together.

He got really drunk and passed out. The next day he apologized and started being nice. He said that he wants to be with me and the past two weeks he has done everything right. He never cooked before, but I would come home and he would have dinner ready. I woke up one morning and he had placed pillows under my feet and legs because he said they were swollen. He even talks to the baby and will tap my belly until the baby starts kicking. So, everything seems perfect we get along great and he has started planning for the future with me.

The reason I am writing because I do love him and want this to work out. But, I will not play games going forward. How do I know if it’s real? How do I know that he is truly sorry? Is it wrong that I don’t feel bad that I cheated? Is it cheating if he didn’t claim me? I know my hormones get the best of me so can you help me please? – Ms. Hope It’s Not Too Good To Be True

Dear Ms. Hope It’s Not Too Good To Be True,

Things that I don’t understand but stood out to me:

  • You were five months pregnant, and had sex with another man, and this man had no problem with having sex with a pregnant woman?
  • Your child’s father never claimed you as his girlfriend, and that was okay with you?
  • You and this same man decided that you wanted to have raw sex, so you go get tested, then, you end up pregnant, you get sick, he tells you to get your blood checked, the doctor tells you that you need a blood transfusion, then, you wonder why he your child’s father tells you that you should get your blood checked?
  • You’re in the hospital, and he comes with money in hand and tells you to get rid of it, and you continue sleeping with him, and continue entertaining him even though every time you saw him up until you were five months pregnant he would continue to offer you money and tell you to get rid of your child?
  • You learn he’s sleeping with other women, but you continue to have sex with him, but you’re using condoms, and you hate that you have to use condoms? And, every time you have sex with him you go to the doctor for a pelvic exam and to get your blood checked?

Now, you’re writing me wanting to know if this is too good to be true because for the past two weeks he has been showing you attention and affection, and he says he wants to be with you. SMDH!

I truly wonder if you all ever read and re-read your letters before sending them in. You have the answers to your own situations, your own problems, and drama, and yet no matter what you refuse to see what is so blatant, obvious and in your face. You will live in denial and refuse to see the reality of your situation because you have concocted this fantasy, this story about how you want things to be, and how you hope they will be. STOP LIVING IN THESE FANTASY WORLDS.

You’ve been sleeping with a man, and having raw sex with him, despite the fact he has never claimed you. But, that was okay with you because you were desperate for a man. You were desperate to prove something to him, and thus, you allowed yourself to be used because you needed someone, or some man to make you feel needed and wanted.

Then, you expect him to be committed to you because you are committed to him, even though you’re not in a relationship and he’s made that very clear, and yet you are having raw sex with him, which means you don’t know who else he’s having sex with. HUH? WHY?

You’re upset with him because you’re in the hospital, and he shows up and tells you to get rid of it, and he continues to do so for five months of your pregnancy. What else would you expect from someone who doesn’t claim you, who doesn’t see you as their girlfriend, woman, or potential life partner? He is only doing what he has been doing all along. He is not acting out of character. He is very true to his character. So, why are you upset, shocked, and angry with him? You should be upset, angry and mad with yourself for allowing yourself to be put into this situation, and expecting something different!

And, you’re so petty that you sleep with another man while you’re five months pregnant because you want to pull “a him” and do you, and to get over him. For a grown ass woman in her 30s you sound real silly, immature, and childish.

At the end of your letter you’re asking me some basic ass questions. Sweetie, you know the answers, so stop playing these games with me and yourself. You’re too old to be acting like this, and to be wondering if some man in his late 30s really wants to be with you, and if he is serious after two weeks of being on his best behavior. He has not changed. He is still the same man he was when you decided to have raw sex with him, and he was sleeping with other women, and the same man who told you consistently for five months to get rid of his child. NOTHING HAS CHANGED ABOUT HIM.

What’s going to happen is that he will resort back to his old behaviors. You and he will continue to fight, and you will get mad and upset with him because he won’t commit. He will continue to sleep with other women. You will continue to have sex with him, and with condoms because you are desperate for a man, and desperate for him. You will have the baby, and he may show up to the delivery room drunk. You and he will have baby momma and baby daddy drama. You will get mad with him and not let him see his child. This is will go on and on between you and him for years. You will resent him, and sleep with other men because you every time he doesn’t do or give you what you want you will seek out other companionship to make you feel better, or to enact some type of revenge against him. You will end up pregnant, and you won’t know who the father is, and it this will continue. So, until you want to change, and to do better, then you will remain in this pattern with him. Figure out why you are holding on and clinging to this man. Figure out what is compelling you stay in this rut. Figure out why your self-esteem is so low that you will allow yourself to be used by some man who has no desire to commit, or own up to his responsibility. Then, work on yourself. Work on healing your mind and heart. Work on climbing out of this rut, this gutter behavior and mentality. Until you work on you, change your mindset, and your behavior, then you will keep getting what you got. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE! 

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