Dear Bossip: I May Lose My Wife Because I Cheated Again & She Had The Baby

Dear Bossip,

I have been married for 2½ years to my beautiful wife, but I’m afraid I’m losing her now. I’m afraid she’s going to walk out at any given moment.

I cheated during our relationship and with counseling and rebuilding my trust with her she forgave me. We began moving forward with the wedding plans, but eventually I started messing with the girl from before without my wife knowing. I told the girl I wasn’t leaving my then fiancé because she was everything I wanted and more and she was OK with it.

We get married and two months later the side chick tells me she’s pregnant. I don’t tell my wife because I know she will leave me. Four months later a text message comes to my wife’s phone from an unknown number telling her that I’m having a child by this girl. As you know ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. My wife leaves, but with help of our pastor and relatives we reconcile after 8 months.

I broke things off with the girl, told her as a man I will do my part, but it will not be anything but co-parenting between us. Now, for the past year and a half she has been sending texts to my wife’s and I phone with all kind of stuff. She’s telling my wife any and everything about me and her. My wife is so frustrated now and she’s constantly telling me she’s unhappy.

I really and truly love my wife. I am so distraught over the stupidity and chaos that I have caused her. I know she deeply loves me and wants to make our marriage work, but I don’t know how much more she can take.

How can I get her heart back and be the same couple we were before all of this. – Desperately Seeking Advice

Dear Mr. Desperately Seeking Advice,

Well, for one, it will never go back to you and your wife being the same couple you were before all of this. You cheated. You destroyed the trust. You deceived your wife. You lied. Thus, the man she thought she knew, the man she thought she loved, and the man she thought she married is not the man she ended up with. You, sir, are a fraud!

You’ve been unfaithful to this woman ever since you were dating, and quite simply I don’t understand why she went along and married you. She should have left you a looooooong time ago. But, for some reason she stayed, and hoped for the best, and she probably felt you would change. And, lo and behold, you did not change, and had not changed. After counseling and rebuilding the trust with her guess what you did, you resorted back to the very same behaviors and you cheated and got another woman pregnant. The issue is you. The problem is you.

The fact that you told the other woman that you were not leaving your soon-to-be wife, and she was okay with being the side chick, you felt you had a great set-up and arrangement. You thought you could keep up the charade and continue cheating, and having both women without any problems. Until the side chick became pregnant, and then everything changed, and now you want to be Mr. Faithful-I-Love-My-Wife-And-The-Side-Chick-Was-A-Mistake-That-Went-Too-Far-So-Because-I’m-Caught-Again-I-Don’t-Want-Lose-My-Wife-I’ll-Do-Whatever-It-Takes-To-Keep-Her.

Uhm, clown, please have several seats. Barely two months into your marriage and the side chick is blowing up your wife’s phone about her pregnancy. You belong in a circus!

Now, you want to save your marriage. Now, you want to invest in your wife and be Mr. Monogamous. Now, you’re distraught and don’t know what to do. Mr. Donkey, you should have been faithful, committed, and monogamous from the very beginning. After all that counseling and therapy and rebuilding her trust you should have known better and learned something. But, you can’t teach Donkeys anything other than to be Donkeys. And, I sir, don’t train or educate Donkeys.

Quite frankly, I don’t understand why you want to be with your wife. You’ve taken her through hell and back. You’re not a man of your word. You destroyed the trust, not once, but twice. You are not faithful. You don’t love her. I think you love the idea of wanting to be in love. No one does what you have done to someone they love. You don’t tell someone you love them, then cheat, go to therapy, get into counseling, work to rebuild the trust, then get married simply to do the same thing again. That is the definition of crazy, to be insane. To repeat the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is crazy. And, that is what you did. But, this time, the side chick is pregnant. You took it to another level. What’s next for you? Get her pregnant again? Or, find another woman to cheat with and improve your cheating game?

You are not a man of your word. You can’t keep your word. Admit this to yourself. Be honest and frank with who you are – a cheater. A liar. You like women, and if you could have multiple women you could be sleeping with without any of them getting upset about it, or asking and requiring a commitment from you, then that is what you would prefer. You got married because that is what your wife wanted. And, you did so in order to save face because you wanted to make her feel that you could be the man she wanted, the man she desired, and the man she hoped for. Both of you set yourself up for failure. Yes, she wanted a “type” of man. You felt you could live up to her “type” of man. So, in order to prove to her, and yourself, that you could be this man, you made commitments you could not fulfill. You told her things she wanted to hear, while all along knowing you could and would never make do on any of them. You know you can never be that man, the man that she wants you to be.

So, here you are wondering how can you save and fix something you’ve destroyed. You want me to tell you, or to give you some secret/s that will make your wife forget, or come to her senses and take you back and let the past be the past, and you try and give this thing one more chance. And, this time you will work harder, be more committed, be more faithful, and give a little more to your marriage and to her. Welp, sorry. I have nothing. Can’t tell you anything. You’ve been to counseling and therapy. That didn’t help. When your wife left you, you got your pastor and family to reconcile and have her come back after 8 months. And, now for a year and a half your side chick is relentless with texting you and your wife, and hell bent on destroying your marriage. Your wife is fed up, unhappy, and quite frankly, she’s ready to leave you. Well, I say, grant her the wish, and let her go. Give her what she needs. She needs freedom. She deserves happiness. She deserves peace. She deserves joy. She deserves love from someone who can authentically, realistically, and profoundly love her. Let her go so that she can have that, because you cannot give her that. Stop dragging her down with you. Stop pulling her into your mess, your drama, and your messiness. This is all yours. Go. Leave. And, work on you. Work on your own –ish, and leave your wife out of it. Grow. Learn. Mature. Be honest with yourself. Tell yourself the truth. I think once you learn to be that man, and to be completely honest with yourself, then you too can be free. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!