I’ve been with my fiancé for almost four years. We’ve been through our share of ups and downs.
I had a son before I met him and he has a daughter with someone else before me. We lost three kids of our own by miscarriage .I say that to say that we’ve been through hell and back together. We are building a family the best we can.
However, lately, I feel as if I’m outgrowing him. He’s trying his best to meet my demands from 2 years ago, like treating me more like his lady than his “FWB.” He’s no longer selling drugs to our people. He’s stopped hanging with street guys. He stopped enabling his family (mom, sister and brothers) by allowing them to depend on him to the point where he can’t even pay his half of the bills most months.
But, now that he’s starting to get it I want something different. I want a man that is more motivated, a man that the sky is the limit with us together as a couple. I want to start a family business. I want a more spiritual man, someone who is more connected to God. Someone that appreciates a good lecture or can see himself achieving every goal we were taught we could not as kids from the hood.
He’s a street guy turned working American man. I love him and don’t want him to feel like he changed his life for me by settling down, getting rid of his many chicks, cutting off his dope boy associates, and now he’s still not good enough because that’s not the problem. I know you may read this and think it was for the best, but he loved his fast life before me. We were friends for years before we decided to give us a shot and I saw so much more in him than he saw in himself. It was times he’d argue with me claiming I’m trying to turn him into something he’s not. But, now I just want someone that’s closer to God and have the same goals that I have.
Should I just begin to nag him about what I want now even though he’s just getting comfortable with his new life? If so, then how will I do that without making him think I’m never satisfied? I just want him to know that as long as you are alive you must change. But, again, he swears the change was for me and it took him a while to adjust. Or, do you think he will hear me out easier now that he has made some changes? I don’t know. I’m so confused. Am I asking for too much? – Wanting More From Him
Dear Ms. Wanting More From Him,
People come into your life for a reason, a season, and a lifetime. Which one are you for him? And, which one is he for you?
I am a firm believer that we enter into people’s lives for a reason. There is a lesson to learn. Some information we are to share with one another. There is something we are to give to another, and vice-versa. So, ask yourself what has he contributed to you? In what ways has he given to you? Maybe your season is up and it’s time to move on. Or, maybe he is a lifetime partner and if you’re willing to invest more time, energy, and resources into him, then only you can determine that. However, if he is not pushing you, giving to you, encouraging you, inspiring you, or pouring into you, then, this may be the end of this season and time to call it quits. I say this because you mention in your letter about all the things he’s done for you, or hopefully, for himself. He’s a changed man. He no longer deals in drugs. He’s given up his homeboys in favor for you home life. He’s not philandering the streets. He’s committed to you. He’s not allowing others to take advantage of him, or use him. Yet, not once did you say what he has done for you, contributed to you, or inspired you to change in any way. Thus, this is a one-way street relationship. You were/are so busy doing for him that you failed to do for yourself.
Now, let’s ask this question – What can he do for you?
If he hasn’t or doesn’t make you a better woman, or push you beyond your limits, then why stay? It’s obvious you want someone who is your equal, and you do not feel he is your equal. Yes, you may not have explicitly said this, but this is what you implied. You and he are not on the same level. You’re building him up, but who’s building you? You keep saying how much he needs to grow into his full potential, but you haven’t grown into your own. So, you’re looking for someone who can equally push you just as you push them. And, there is nothing wrong with that. However, from what you shared with me, he is not the one.
We all want a partner, a friend, a lover, a companion, and a confidante that we can depend on, grow with, mature with, celebrate life with, and build with. Someone you’re in love with and who is equally in love with you. You’re a team, a foundation, a rock. Yes, we all desire that.
Now, ask yourself if you and your man have that? Do you really feel he is the man you want to grow with and continue to invest in, helping him to see his own potential, while at the same time focusing on your goals, your dreams, and your ambitions? Is he as invested in you as you are in him?
Look, I understand you want someone on the same page as you, but are you asking for too much? Is this about as good as it gets with him? Does he have more to give? Does he want to give more, and, does he want more from himself?
Also, please know that if you have concerns now, then what do you think will happen after marriage? It will not change. Marriage won’t fix him, fix you, or fix your relationship. Have you considered pre-marital counseling? Have you thought about talking with someone who can help you work these through before you get married? If you are hoping he will change, or become a different or new man as time passes, which he has made some considerable strides, but what happens if he doesn’t want more, and marriage doesn’t change or fix anything. Then, what will you do?
Therefore, sit down with him. Have a serious conversation and ask him what are his own dreams and ambitions. You cannot dream for him. He has to dream for himself. He has to have his own ambitions. And, you cannot judge him for what his dreams or goals are. Those are his. They belong to him. And, whatever they are, they may be just as big as he can possibly think or conceive at this time. Sometimes we push people, and it’s with good intentions, however, you can push someone away from you, or you can push someone to fail. If they don’t meet your expectations, your goals, or what you have in store for them, then they will feel like a failure. Let him make his own goals, his own dreams, and his own ambitious marks. Unfortunately, you’ve got to stop nagging him, and allow him to fall on his own. Allow him to make mistakes. Allow him to work his way through the dark without you. He has to find his own way. Give him his own space, and celebrate the moments, and accomplishments he’s made strides in. Continue to support him, and make him feel great. Now, if you feel this is still not enough for you, and you still feel he is not where you want him to be, or the man you want to grow old with, then, you have to reconsider your relationship, and what it is you want in a mate. Maybe the season is over, and it’s time to recalculate and explore yourself and what it is you really need in a partner, lover, friend, companion, and champion. – Terrance Dean
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