Dear Bossip: I Don't Understand How I Ended Up In The Friend-Zone With Him

Dear Bossip: I Don’t Understand How I Ended Up In The Friend-Zone With Him

- By Bossip Staff

Black woman looking suspiciously

Dear Bossip,

I have known this guy for nearly two decades. He is smart and has a good head on his shoulders. He is good looking and respectful.

Honestly, being around him makes me want to better myself. He has this sort of presence of making you want to push yourself.

In the beginning, every few weeks, he would take me out to dinner. We would spend time together.  He would show up to my nonprofit job and parties. He asked me to attend a few weddings with him and I asked him to attend a few weddings with me.

I told him that I had never been out the country and he was like he would love to take me out the country. So, I saved up some money and we left. I felt all this chemistry as we talked on the airplane. He even felt comfortable enough to fall asleep around me. When we arrived he helped me so much (like a personal tour guide). He was just a gentleman. He even helped a stranger and gave him a lot of cash. He showed me outside of the DMV (DC, MD, VA), and most of the USA, using public transportation is very friendly. We held conversations on trains and buses with all sorts of people.

He had this amazing five-star hotel and they mixed up our room and we had a queen bed. He politely asked for two separate beds. So, they asked us to leave and they had two very large full-size beds when we returned, but they were still close to each other. It felt like it was bothering him. I liked him and I felt he knew it. He set up this amazing trip and mid-way through the trip I tried to make my move and he said, “I am tired.” It kind of shook my confidence. I wanted to show him how thankful I was and he was always polite. I have never been with a man who said no to me for sex.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed the entire trip. I was hooked on him most of the time. I gave him hugs and tried to show the world that he was mine. I saw other women noticing him, but he was just focused on showing me the city and different tourist spots. The last day of the trip we went to my first pub. I had never tried one before. He was a little annoyed because he said normally the last day you go to a restaurant and discuss the trip, but I felt we both still had a good time there.

There was one small incident. I went to the bathroom and when I came around the corner some woman was talking to him near our seats. I saw him write something down and shake her hand. She gave him an overly friendly hug and he patted her on the back. I came back and we continued talking and enjoying ourselves the rest of the night. I never asked him about her.

We get back to the states and he gave me a hug and said he hoped he was a good tour guide. After that, he slowed down with the calls. I normally call him anyway, but when I do get a hold of him he says he has overtime and is actually working. I began noticing he does not pick up the phone when I call, but he would normally call me back within an hour or two later. I will say he works under a giant radar and his phone must be in his locker before entering the building at his job.

I am really into this man and I feel we would be great in a relationship because I feel we have a deep connection, yet, he is not giving me the time of day, other than to go out and eat from time to time (It went from bi-weekly to bi-monthly), or a movie. When I finally get to spend time with him he talks about what is going on with him, like pushing for his master’s degree and a few certifications. He has everything going for him but a woman, and I want to be that woman.

I did express how I felt for him and all he could say was that he wanted to finish his education and that he is not looking for a girlfriend/wife just yet, but a good friend. I feel he is a great man. He didn’t even say he was looking for sex (I will admit I would be FWB, if he wanted it). He also asked another woman to go to a wedding with him. He openly tells me that he went to a new restaurant with other friends and he gives me a review of it.

It is driving me up a wall that I do not catch his eye at all. It makes me question myself. In his house he has pictures of family and friends but none of any recent woman he may have been involved with. He has the typical prom picture and few old small frame pictures with various women from college and high school, but other than that most are family photos. I have never been friend-zoned before and I hate it. My friends have seen him randomly with males and females at different restaurants. Do you think he may be gay (closeted), or am I in the permanent friend-zone? Can you give a woman some advice to get this man? – Ms. I think I Got Friend-Zoned

Dear Ms. I Think I Got Friend-Zoned,

He is either gay, or he is just not into you. And, I am willing to bet on the former.

You have been friends with this man for two decades, and you’ve been out with him on multiple occasions, including dinner dates, office parties, and weddings, yet, at no time did this man ever make a move on you, or at least try to sleep with you. And, you never mentioned if he has ever discussed or talked about any other woman that he may have been dating or seeing during this time, hell, since you’ve known him. Now, if you’ve never seen him with another woman, talking about another woman, or discussing another woman, yet, he is spending a lot time with you, and this includes taking you on dinner dates, and he’s your date for office parties, and you’re his date for weddings and office parties, then this man is gay, and he is using you as his “beard.” You are the woman he uses as his cover for the world, his associates, and his job because he may not be openly gay, and he still may very well be in the closet.

Let’s look at this a tad bit closer. You mention that you’ve never been out of the country, and he volunteers to be your tour guide, and after you save money the two of you are off and philandering in another country. He books a hotel, and ironically, the two of you are sharing a hotel room, and the room has one bed. Noticing the error, he makes a request for double beds. This should have signaled to you immediately that nothing was going to go down. But, you brush it off, and think nothing of it.

He’s showing you around, taking you to various tourists spots, and restaurants, and he’s inoculating you to the country via trains and buses. He’s really giving you the insider look at the country not from a tourist’s eyes, but from a local’s perspective. He is attentive, and showing you a good time. But, notice that he is not affectionate toward you. You are more affectionate toward him, hugging him, touching him, and being overly affectionate. Again, this should have signaled to you that he was not interested in you, and that any affection not being reciprocated, especially since you’re out of the country, and no one will see you or even know you and he, this is a sign that he is not interested in you, or he is gay.

Then, you state that mid-way through your trip, and while you’re in the room, you make an attempt to show him more appreciation and that you want to have sex with him, even more so, you’re trying to let him know you’re attracted to him. He tells you that he is tired, and it kills your confidence, and more importantly, he kills the very idea of any type of relationship happening, including, as much, he is letting you know that he doesn’t want to have sex with you, even given the opportune moment. He denies you and says, “I’m tired.” Ma’am, he is gay. You are sharing a room the entire trip and not once did he make a move on you. Well, maybe, and just maybe if he is not gay, then he is clearly not interested in you, and he is not attracted to you.

Yes, you could be in the friend-zone, and he doesn’t see anything going further with you, and he enjoys spending time with you and hanging out. But, I am willing to bet that he is gay, and he is not comfortable telling you about his sexuality. He may have assumed that you knew, but, since you don’t and you’re making moves on him, then, he is not going to say anything because he may be afraid. Who knows his reasons, but nothing you can do, or will want to do will make him want to be with you, sleep with you, or see you as someone he would desire to be with.

Then, when you return from your trip he is not as responsive as he once was, especially when it comes to hanging out. Your regular outings have gone from bi-weekly to bi-monthly. He rarely returns your phone calls, and basically he has put you on ice. When you mentioned to him how you felt, and that you were interested in something more he told you that he was not looking for a girlfriend/wife, but a good friend. Sweetie, he is gay. He has let you down not once, but twice. Your persistence is not going to change his mind. So, let this go, and move on. Yes, he may very well be a catch, a great partner, a wonderful mate, but he is not going to be any of this for you. He is not interested in you, and he doesn’t see himself in a personal or intimate relationship with you because he gay. Or, he may very well be a heterosexual man and he’s just not into you at all, and he has no desire in sleeping with you, or having any type of relationship with you.

If he’s gay, then hopefully he will tell you, and you will continue to be his friend. I think that is what he is most looking for. He is looking for someone he can confide in, and someone who will be a good friend. That’s what he’s telling you. Listen to what he is saying. Look at what he’s showing you. He is very consistent in both. He’s not interested in anything personal or intimate with you. You say you’ve known each for two decades, uhm, ma’am, if he hasn’t or never expressed any interest in you, never made any attempts to sleep with you, and he has rejected your advances, then he is clearly not interested, and you need to let this go. And, if you’ve never seen him with any woman or mentioning or discussing any woman in those two decades, then he may very well be gay and he needs a friend. If you can’t handle this, or you want something more, then he is not the man for you. He is not the one you should be exerting your energy toward. Find and look for someone who will reciprocate your desires, wishes, and affections. Resort your energy and time in a man who is looking for the same thing as you. But, stop pestering him, and pursing him. He is not the man for you. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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