Dear Bossip: My In-Laws Are Pushing My Buttons & I Don't Want To Be Around Them

Dear Bossip,

I met and fell in love with my husband on our first date. He is a complete gentleman, (he still opens my doors for me).

He is kind, educated, and loves me to death. I left home at 17 years of age, and went off to school while in the military, and never looked back. After losing my mother to drugs, my father raised me and my sisters to be strong and independent. I am 32 years old now. I am educated and an entrepreneur. When I met my husband I was anti-marriage and focused on my career. Meeting my husband made me realize how much I wanted a family and to be more focused on being a supportive partner as he made me realize a career isn’t everything.

My husband decided he wanted to start his own business. I completely supported him and encouraged him every step of the way. He quit his job, and I supported us both financially, even putting my entrepreneur endeavors on hold. We both agreed that I had spent a lot of time being independent and he wanted me to rely on him after his business got off the ground. He asked me to be a stay-at-home mom once we had children, and the only job he wanted me to focus on once his business took off was my own and whatever else I wanted to do creatively. Being the oldest, I had always been responsible and never really got a chance to do the things I really wanted as I was too busy setting a good example for my little sisters. He wanted me, for once, to not have that pressure and just enjoy being in love, a wife, and a mother. He asked me to take care of him and in return he would take care of me.

The problem is my in-laws. His parents have been married for 60+ years. His sister is a doctor. They are a real “Cosby type” family. He is the youngest and the only boy. They enabled him to be dependent, and up until meeting me he allowed it. Well, I guess women have a way of changing men. So, after seeing my work ethic and my support for him he decided it was time to grow up. We eloped as we couldn’t afford to have a wedding. Family was not invited on either side. It was a decision we both made since my family doesn’t have a lot of money, and we live in another state. It was only fair that if my family couldn’t be there, then neither was his. Instead of me having a big wedding we decided to take that money and invest in his business and plan a wedding at a later date.

His mother was furious. After that, little things started to happen that would forever change our relationship. She gave me a book with sexual love letters from his ex-girlfriends as a wedding gift. She also made me take her Christmas gift back because she said that’s not what she asked for. I have my own cosmetic line, and she came over one day and gave me an Avon book, knowing full well that I have a line of my own. His sister called me and said that I should encourage him to go back to working for someone else, as he is better at taking orders and working for others and she didn’t want to see him fail.

Three months into our marriage I found out I had a serious knee condition that would keep me from working for about a year. His sister told me that the family thought it was suspect that now we are married all of a sudden I can’t work. I explained to her that we married through sickness and in health, and unbeknownst to them I have a savings account that would allow me to take off work without the financial help of anyone. So, I don’t need to use him as she was implying. She also reminded me that I didn’t come from a family of marriages, and that their guidance was needed because as traditional they do things a certain way. I explained to her that how she runs her house is her business and how I run mine is just that.

The first time I got pregnant my mother-in-law asked me, before congratulating me, why I wasn’t on birth control (I miscarried a few weeks later). Out of respect, I let my husband deal with them because I didn’t want to go back and forth being catty with them. They know I come from a less than fortunate circumstance, so I think they try to push my buttons to get a reaction. So, I do my best to not show them that and deep down I’m a real good chick. LOL! They’re stuck up and snobby, and they all live in glass houses, but I try not to be petty and go back and forth with them.

The final straw came when recently we found out we were pregnant. My husband’s business is taking off and I now work from home still making a great income. Upon finding out I was pregnant, my husband’s grandmother called me and told me that I should get on food stamps since I didn’t make 50k a year (I actually make 80k per year, about 20k more than my husband). I asked her why would she assume that, and why would she think I needed food stamps. She said, “Oh, I’d say that to any young person.” I asked her if she had the same conversation with his sister, as she just had a baby, and she said she did not. I explained to her that I found it disrespectful that she would assume I needed any public assistance in the first place. She then began to backtrack on what she meant. I explained from to her that from this moment on she needed to be mindful of what she says to me as I am a grown woman and will no longer tolerate disrespect.

My mother-in-law called next and told me I should look into Medicare, also before she congratulated me. I hit the fan because I’m not a child, and I don’t need her input on what I need to do to provide for my child. All I need is a congratulatory message. For some reason that day, I had enough. I let her know that I’m done taking her shade and that I will no longer tolerate her disrespect (Prior to this we hadn’t spoken for 2 months due to other disrespectful incidents). I explained to her what she gives me is what she’ll get from me in return. She told me that she was a Scorpio and she is all bite. I told her she was rude and disrespectful, and I switched my tone to let her know that I wasn’t the one.

My husband stepped in and reminded them that he would not allow them to disrespect his wife anymore, and that we will stop coming around. They also said they were upset and didn’t understand why my husband doesn’t want me to work once the baby gets here, as he didn’t grow up seeing women not working (Implying that I am manipulating him). They understand that being a stay-at-home mom is a hard choice for me, as I have always been career-driven. They don’t realize the huge sacrifice that I am making by doing what my husband asked.

I’m so fed up with them. Now, I’m pregnant, miserable and sad that I am about to have a baby with this evil family. My husband and I no longer sleep in the same bed as I am upset with him that it took so many incidents before he finally stepped in to correct the behavior. It made me lose respect for him that he allowed them to say and do these things and that he only stepped in upon my request. They have bullied me, judged me, and I’m just over it.

They call me and I just send them to voicemail, as I no longer desire to talk to them. I know that I have to have a positive relationship with them because of the baby, but every time I talk to them it stresses me out. My husband doesn’t talk to them that much anymore because of how they treated me and I feel awful.

I’ve tried several times to be kind and respectful for his sake, but now I just don’t care. My question is, am I wrong for keeping my family away from their mean girl behavior? My husband says we don’t ever have to speak with them again, but I know deep down he cares for his family. I just don’t want to personally deal with them. I want them to have limited relationship with my child as I feel they are controlling and old school in their beliefs. Am I being petty by keeping my family away from the drama?? At this point I feel attacked and am afraid that one more incident may turn physical as I have really have had enough, and keeping my distance feels like the only way. – Save Me From My In-Laws

Dear Ms. Save Me From My In-Laws,

I admire your patience. Truly I do because after the first incident, it would have been on and popping! But, baaaaaaaa-by, you are a good one. His family sounds like a hot ass mess, especially the mother and sister. Whew! That was some real trifling ass –ish that his mother gave you the sexual love letters from his ex-girlfriends as a wedding gift. That was lowdown and dirty. It was real catty and petty.

But, let’s assess what is going on here. They are really angry about the wedding. They are upset because your husband made a choice without them. As the sister, and mother, have stated to you, he has been dependent on them all his life. They made choices for him, and decided for him what to do, and how to do it. He’s grown up with nothing but strong women who have dictated his life, and told him what to do and how to live his life. And, boom! Guess what? He meets and marries another strong woman. Yes, you are a strong independent woman, which explains why he is attracted to you. So, you, another strong woman, comes into his life and he does something unpredictable and unexpectedly. He marries you, or rather, you and he elope. That is why they are mad. You stole their project, their son, their child, their brother away from them. The one time they could have stepped in to intervene he took that opportunity away from them. Well, rather, you took that opportunity away from them. So, they blame you.

Now, the battle begins. You’re all strong-willed women fighting and competing for his attention, his love, and his life. Because you are not some meek, mild-mannered, and genteel woman, they can’t control you. And, therein lies another problem – they realize they can’t tell you what to do. They can’t control you. They can’t reel you in, and make you like them. You have your own  personality. You are your own woman. That is challenging to them.

What is unfortunate is that you and his family have never really gotten to know one another. And, it seems there is a lot of miscommunication, lots of assumptions, and you only know about one another either through sources, i.e., your husband, or what you assume about each other, or through stories you’ve created about the other. Have you actually sat with his family and gave them the inside details about your life, your growing up, your work ethic, and who you are as a person? Have they really invited you over and you’ve got to spend time with them, know them, understand his family, and get to the root of their “glass house.” Trust and believe, people who live in glass houses have lots of secrets and dirt they don’t want revealed to the general public, especially outside family members. And, I know your husband has not given you all the dirt about his family. There are some family secrets, and they may fear you will learn them and see them for who they really are.

I’m not sure if a mediation or some type of coming together will work at this point. But, I do know that someone is going to have to be the bigger person, and it may need to occur on their end – his mother and sister. They are the ones who are being silly, catty, immature, and childish. They are picking and prodding at you attempting to push your buttons and get you riled up. I think it’s commendable that you stood up for yourself, and that your husband also stepped in to intervene. With these women you are going to have to assert yourself because, like you, they are very strong-willed and independent minded.

But, I do think that you should not punish your husband, and take your anger out on him. I think what you’re doing is the very same thing his mother and sister has been doing to him for years. When he doesn’t follow, or when he doesn’t do what they want him to do, then they punish him. It’s ironic that your husband ended up marrying a woman with a strong personality, will, and mind. Yes, you are like his mother and sister, even if you don’t want to admit it. Therefore, notice how you engage and interact with your husband. It may be some resemblance.

Also, you and your husband need to seriously talk this out, get to the root of his own challenges and issues with his family, and he has to resolve pandering to them – his mother and sister. Yes, he may have stepped in too late to intervene, but I gather he was hoping it was either going to resolve itself, or that you and his family would come to some mediation. He was hoping it would resolve itself.

It appears he is on your side, and he really wants to make sure that you are happy. He is even willing to stop speaking to his family, and visiting them. He’s let his family know that you are his new family and his wife. So, I think you and he need to stay and remain on the same page of how you wish to proceed. You two need to come to some compromise of how you engage or interact with his family. Keeping the child, when it is born, away from their grandparents is only putting an innocent child in the middle of adult drama. I think, perhaps, only interacting on specific holidays, and family gatherings, for small doses of time, will help to begin a new page and journey. I’m not saying you have to let them bully you, or let them talk out of face with you. Just make some appearances, keep the interactions short, and be cordial. You make a 30 minute to an hour appearance, and then you and your husband leave. Don’t stay too long, and don’t allow them to make snide or slick comments. As soon as someone says something out of pocket, then you and your husband exit. I like that you are not answering your phone when they call. Unless they are calling to apologize, then there is nothing to discuss or talk about. And, yes, they owe you an apology, and your husband should mediate that they apologize to you. But, don’t get into a tit for tat with any of them. You don’t need this stress and drama during your pregnancy. I recommend that your husband gets you a spa and pamper treatment at your favorite day spa, or hotel. Go and relax, enjoy yourself, and celebrate the new life you are carrying. Don’t let his family get under your skin. You don’t have to stoop to their level. Remember, for them to be so snobby and bourgeoisie they sure are showing their slip, especially if you can get under their skin. – Terrance Dean