In case you haven’t been on Twitter or heard, Buzzfeed just put out a video called “27 Questions Black People Have For Black People.” This sounded promising. For all the flack Buzzfeed gets, they’ve been pretty strong in Black representation and Tracy Clayton and Heben Nigatu especially have been great in speaking to important issues.
But this video was a disaster that falls on the script writers, the actors and everyone else who were directly involved in putting this video together. The video is basically what happens when that tiny hotep guy and Sarah Palin have a baby together. And that baby grew up, wore stupid cardigans and never met another Black person ever.
But this is a place of healing and learning. So I decided to take the time and answer all 27 of the questions Black people had for Black people. So let’s get to it. Pray for me.
1. Why is it so hard to be on time?
It’s not. This is about as archaic and stereotypical as humanly possible. This is straight off the ComicView cutting room floor. I think I know who wrote this.
2. If my dab is on fleek, am I lit?
WTF are you even saying? Black people don’t actually talk like this. Do you know ANY Black people?
3. Why is it a problem if I like anime?
4. Why do Black people look at your shoes before they greet you?
5. Why are we more likely to get engaged in the most recent dance trend than we are to be involved in politics or opening a business?
Are you fu-. Okay, look. I decided I would answer all these questions and I’m at question five and immediately regret my decision. Do you know how many Black businesses there are? Do you know how many Black people hold office in this country despite the fact the country specifically wants this to NOT happen? There’s a whole goddamn magazine called Black Enterprise about Black people owning businesses. It’s been around forever.
6. Why did watermelon become our thing? Like, everyone should love watermelon.
White people made watermelon a Black thing. Black people had literally zero percent to do with that. I swear to God if the next question is “why do Black people pick SO. MUCH. COTTON.” I’m gonna throw my computer. But also not be terribly surprised.
7. Why do you get upset when I don’t like a Black celebrity?
We don’t. We literally don’t. Unless you’re talking about Beyonce or Steph Curry. If you hate them then you’re dead to me.
8. Why do we call each other the N-word but get vehemently upset when a White person uses the N-word?
You wrote, filmed, edited and put out a video in the time it took to Google. Hell, you could have taken the time to go to the library and look up literature on the N-word using the Dewey Decimal system. But instead you decided to ask this obvious a$$ question. Black people took a word with a disgusting history and – you know what. I’m not answering this question in 2016.
9. Why is my natural hair…seen as a political statement?
Don’t you understand the history of what White folks have tried to do to Black people and hair?
And hey, guess what. Sometimes Black folks just like having their hair a certain way. This is the thing: there are different answers to why Black people do things because there are different Black people. You’re complaining about monolithic Black opinions but you’re asking for monolithic Black opinions. You’re the feds.
10. Why do people with light skin look better than people with dark skin?
Because racism. And also colorism. And also again racism.
11. Do you really believe Black is beautiful?
12. Or is that something you say just to sound cool?
13. Why do some Black people say “you’re pretty for a dark-skinned girl”…?
Because. Again. Colorism. Why do some Black people put their ketchup on their fries instead of in puddles on the side? Because some Black people do f***ed up things. Just like some of everyone else does f***ed up things. Why haven’t we found out who these people in the video are yet?
14. Why do some Black men only date White women?
Because racism. Actually “because racism” could be the answer to every question. So I’m going to go with that here. Because. Racism.
15. Why is it okay for a Black man to date White women but not okay for a Black woman to date outside of her race?
Okay for whom? Who is it okay for? Who are you speaking about? Who are you talking to? What Black people are you referring to? Show me the Black people. Do you know any? Show me the receipts.
16. Why do you chant ‘Black Lives Matter’ then tear each other down in the next breath?
Black Lives Matter is about valuing actual Black lives. “Tearing each other down” is something totally different. There’s a very large gap between “please don’t kill Sandra Bland” and putting a Jordan Cry Face on LeBron James. This is basically the same as asking “why do you brush your teeth but refuse to recycle?” They have zero correlation.
17. Why do you not want to be seen as a monolith but want to take someone’s Black card away for not liking something that’s “supposedly” Black?
Didn’t you already ask this question? Do you even Twitter, bro? People on Twitter argue ALL THE TIME about liking supposedly “Black” things. Why? Because there are more than, like, a dozen Black people on this Earth. So we have different opinions. And that’s okay. Unlike this video. There are even Black people who don’t like Spades. SPADES. And we still welcome them into barber shops and secret society meetings and let them talk about Scandal and everything.
Nobody has used the phrase “Black Card” since, like New York Undercover was still on TV, fam.
18. Why are we so quick to support a non-Black owned business but hesitate to support a Black-owned business?
Didn’t you also already ask this question? What are you even talking about? Also, hey, remember when there were all these Black communities that Black people sustained by ourselves in American history? And what happened? The country literally blew those communities up. That happened.
19. Is there a cut-off time for the whole homophobia thing in the Black community because I’m really looking forward to that
See, this is how I knew that White folks wrote this script. Because the idea of homophobia being a Black thing has been disproven ages ago. How can you talk about homophobia in the Black community when there are whole a$$ White governors creating anti-LGBT laws across America. White people are doing this. But homophobia is a Black thing?
20. Why is growing up without a father so common within our race?
This is where the video took things to a whole entire new level. This is where the rage set it. How can you fix your mouth to even ask this question? Let’s discuss the prison industrial complex. Let’s discuss the unfair incarceration rates of Black men. Let’s also discuss the fact that the Black community is full of present fathers.
This question was the money shot. It was the nut punch to my Black, happy soul that let me know that this video was made to purposefully spite Black people.
At this point, I want to take a moment and discuss what people are saying about the Black writers at Buzzfeed who weren’t involved with this video as if they have some ability to override a video like this being made. White privilege is going to White privilege and they don’t care about Black people and their feelings. I’d wager that the only Black people who knew about the video are the “I don’t have any Black friends” a$$ Black people in this video. And even if Black people at Buzzfeed spoke up in private, it’s pretty clear and common for their concerns to get overruled. Because that’s what happens with White privilege and supremacy.
But anyway, this motherf***er fixed his shucking and jiving a$$ lips to ask about absent fathers in the Black community in the two thousand and sixteenth year of our Lord and savior. I really want to punch him.
21. Why don’t we want to confront our mental health issues?
A LOT of people don’t want to confront mental health. But I swear Black folks are trying.
22. Why is there a checklist for being Black?
There isn’t. STFU.
23. Why is being educated considered a White thing? Why can’t I love school and also be Black?
JESUS CHRIST WHO ACTUALLY SAYS THESE THINGS?!?! BY AND LARGE BLACK PEOPLE DON’T THINK THIS. WATER YEW DEWING I’M GETTING A MIGRAINE.
24. Why do I have to be mixed in order to have long hair?
I don’t know, but maybe you should also ask why literally the only thing you were asked to talk about in the video was your hair. You’re the only “long-haired” woman in the video and the directors defined you by your hair. Every question you ask is about hair. It’s almost as if they didn’t see you as anything more than a Black woman’s hair. Maybe you should turn the camera around and ask all the White folks behind the camera a few questions while you’re at it.
25. Why do you assume well-off Black people don’t know what it’s like to be Black?
You know who said this? Ben Carson. He said Barack Obama doesn’t have the understanding of Blackness because he grew up with money. You’re quoting Ben Carson. You’re getting your Black questions from Ben Carson. You’re the feds.
26. Why is Blackness only defined by adversity?
It’s not. STFU.
27. Why do Black people have to say “I have native american in my family” to seem interesting?
There’s another question after this I think…I may have miscounted. I may have not. I don’t know. My brain hurts. My soul hurts. My loins hurt. I’ve taken too much time out of my day on this and I’m ready for the rapture. Just end it all, Jesus. Take us away. I don’t want to do this anymore.
They took all this time and never asked the most important question Black people need the answer to: