Dear Bossip: My Sister's Boyfriend Is A Deadbeat With No Potential

Dear Bossip,

I am my sister’s little brother. I am 22 years old. My sister is 25 years old, and her boyfriend is 20 years old.

My sister has a 7 year old daughter. She is going to school to be a teacher, and is in her second year of college. She was a day care assistant teacher, but she left to make more money babysitting. I believe she’s pulling in $15 or more from babysitting. Apparently, she barely gets by to afford her apartment, which rent is $700, her car, and groceries and bills. She has a food stamp card, and even then groceries are sometimes a problem. She occasionally asks to borrow money. My sister has problems dealing with loneliness and she is vulnerable. She is also a nurturer at heart. She makes poor choices in boyfriends.

This leads me to her boyfriend. They’ve been dating two years, which means they started dating when he was 18 years old!

Her boyfriend, in the two years I’ve known him, still has no job besides doing tattoos and selling pot. He also has zero college credits, and I’m not sure if he even has a high school diploma. He has a felony gun charge and he’s on probation. I don’t know when it occurred, nor, the price he paid for court fees, and his probation. Also, he gave my sister some story about how it wasn’t his fault, but it was friend’s gun and he ended up getting pinned for it. I’m not sure if this is his only felony.

In the two years he’s been with her all I notice is that he gained twice his weight, and he has not discussed going back to school or any real career. All he talks about is getting a window washing job or working as a security guard. He has no car. He still plays video games, even though he is far behind in progress. He may or may not even have a driver’s license. According to her, he said he is an orphan, cue the violins. He and my sister like to smoke weed, and so do I, but we take care of business and she is a great mother.

To make matters worse he got my sister pregnant! I believe she is only a few months pregnant. I know she is “sprung” and has this, “I can fix ‘em up and turn him into a productive mature good man/father.” My objective is to open her eyes and strategically explain to her why leaving him is the best move. I want to dissect the situation psychologically, logically, and rationally/realistically.

I rather have her not keep the child because she has a bright future and her daughter needs her as it is. Plus, she’s too broke to afford another child. Also, she is following the footsteps of women in our family who end up as a single mother with different dads who don’t contribute or do their part in being a father, and, they are also felons or lazy deadbeats. Please help me help her the best way possible, as soon as you can. (I even heard her boyfriend saying he couldn’t afford socks when asked why he was barefoot with his sneakers or why he had on the same socks.) – Save My Sister

Dear Mr. Save My Sister,

I understand your plight. I understand your concern. I understand your interest and desire to help save your sister from what you see as a future-less life with no career, a deadbeat father, no growth, and a life of woes and sadness. I do understand that as her brother you want more for her. You want her to succeed, and to have a chance in life unlike the other women in your family who made poor choices in men, and in their situations have become stereotypical.

However, as much as you may want to save your sister, and have her live her life to its full potential, then you are going to have to allow her to make her own mistakes. She is grown. She is 25 years old, and can make her own decisions, even if you think they are poor. She has to want to change her life and do what’s best for herself. She has to come to her own realization, and this may take some bad relationships, some poor choices, and some failures. These situations will hopefully make her stronger, wiser, and smarter. But, that is not even a guarantee that she will even recognize or process her situation as poor decisions and life choices. For her, she may very well be happy where she is and with what she has. She may also love him, despite his downfalls, and his undesirable potentiality. If he is good to her, treats her well, and is not out in the streets cheating and having different women calling her or his phone, and playing games, then she may feel she has a good man.

Yes, I do get it. He has no job, no real career ambition, no education, and he has a felony record. Yes, I understand that you don’t want your sister to be with someone who’s life potential and aspirations are very limited. I do get it. But, it’s her life to live, her decisions to make, and her choices she has to live with. She is going to have to stumble, fall, and get bruised in life. You can’t save and protect her in every aspect of her life. All you can do is offer your love, support, and advice, if she asks for it. You can tell her how you feel, and express your concerns, but you have to learn how to let her go, let her make her own choices, and as much as you hate to sit on the sideline and watch this play out knowing the potential outcome, you have to allow her to fall and hopefully get back up and to grow from this.

As brothers, sisters, loved ones, friends, and those who care about our loved ones whom we see in bad relationships, we get concerned, especially when we see them with someone that is not up to par, or who meets our standards. But, that is it – even though they may not be up to our standards, or meet our expectations, it is not your relationship. It is your sister’s relationship. She chose him, and she chose him for a reason. Hopefully she will wake up, see what her future may lead to, and perhaps she will make different choices and decisions. But, until then, there is nothing you can do. Your nagging, complaining, talking bad about him, and telling her what she should do will only push her toward him more. She will cling to him because she knows that you and no one else likes him, and that you all can’t see what she sees in him. So, in order to prove to you all he is lovable, caring, and has potential, she will invest more in him. She will feel he is her only friend, the only one who understands her, and the only one she can depend on. Let her live her life. Let her fall. Let her make her mistakes. She is grown. She is an adult. All you can do is love her, support her, and be there for her when she falls. Be there for her when she needs someone to talk. Other than that, live your own life, and make sure you don’t make the same potential mistakes and choices and that you continue this generational behavior. Get in school. Find a career. Continue to grow. Be a source of inspiration, and empowerment. Maybe she will see you doing well and will want to do it for herself. – Terrance Dean

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Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!