Dear Bossip: I Regret Attending An HBCU, The Men On Campus Treat Me Like An Outcast

Dear Bossip,

I must have been watching a little too much of “A Different World” because I thought black colleges would be somewhat similar.

I thought if I went to a black college, I would be around smart black men that didn’t hate themselves. But, it is the exact opposite. I feel like I am back in high school. I’ve only been at this school for a year and I do not like it. A lot of the times I will walk by a group of black men and they will say I am too dark to date. I find it odd that some of them walk around shouting “Black lives matter,” but treat their own like garbage. Now, I do not have a problem with my skin color at all. I noticed older black men actually compliment my complexion often. I feel like black men my age are constantly judging my appearance. Just the other day I was walking from class and this guy told me I was scary to look at. I know I am not ugly at all. My best friend said they date her as a joke.

There are two guys in one of my classes that keep messing with me. I do not understand what the hell I did to deserve this. I stood up in class to give a presentation and they laughed the entire time I was speaking. I have met a few nice black men on campus, but I just keep running into more a**holes than good men. I know I am not ugly, so I do not know what the problem is. I mean if you do not find me attractive, why do you feel the need to tell me LOUDLY and to my face? It’s rude as hell and embarrassing, especially since I didn’t do anything to you. Who is raising this new generation? I can’t help but get defensive when I am around them. They are the only group of men that feel the need to put me down for no reason.

How do you attend a historically black university and think it is okay to do this? Should I transfer to a PWI? I am so tired of being disrespected by this new generation of black men. – Thought An HBCU Would Be Different

Dear Ms. Thought An HBCU Would Be Different?

Well, I am not so sure if transferring to a private white institution (PWI) will be any better. I suspect you would suffer an even more detrimental fate of not only race/ism from fellow classmates, but from white students, and white male students in particular. If you think it’s bad at an HBCU, then just know race/ism will rear its ugly head at a PWI.

You will encounter young white men who will either fetishize you, find you “exotic” or will want an experiment in dating a black girl. Also, you’ll be called names far worse than what you are experiencing at an HBCU. And, if you think it’s hard dating a black man at an HBCU, then you’ll find that many black men at a PWI tend to not date other black girls because there is a plethora of women for them to choose from. And, if they were once the nerd, geek, or girlfriendless black guy in high school, then, they suddenly find themselves extremely popular at a PWI – white girls love experimenting with black guys. And, this rings especially true for black college athletes. So, uhm, yeah, you’ll be fighting with “Becky with the good hair” to get his attention. Yes, the grass may seem greener on the other side, but trust, it isn’t.

To answer your question as to why so many black men at HBCUs think it’s okay to treat you the way they do, and call you names, and to embarrass and harass you because of your color? Well, it’s a long history of systemic and hegemonic self-hatred. Decades of inferior breeding and feeding into the psyche of black people through the Diaspora and slavery by the white dominant society has truly damaged many black people to where they do not love themselves, hate the color of their skin, and feel they are inferior because of their race and color. Yes, slavery and white patriarchy has damaged black people. White slave owners pitted dark-skinned slaves against lighter-skinned slaves. They treated mistreated, raped, and brutalized black women in slavery. They continuously told black people they were inferior, their skin color was disgusting, and they looked like apes. Many were beat simply because of their dark skin. This self-hatred and oppression is ingrained, and passed from generation to generation. It becomes part of their everyday existence, and they mistreat one another, passing these bad habits and behaviors along and to one another. Mental and emotional slavery is long lasting. They cannot break the chains, and the bondage of this damage. No one has told them that they are loved, they are beautiful, they are exceptional, and that you don’t mistreat black women with hatred, and disdain. No one has taught them that the black woman is beautiful and that elevating her, celebrating her, and empowering her is pivotal to our existence and who we are as a people. No one has taken the time to show them the value and beauty of black women. So, you are dealing with young immature self-hating and self-deprecating young men who have no idea, no clue, and no education on the history and white systemic hegemonic discourse that has distorted their minds, and themselves.

Thus, what you can do is in a calm and cool manner, simply ask the young men the next time they ridicule you or make hurtful and hateful comments, “Do you have a mother, sister, grandmother or aunt? Do you talk about your mother, sister, grandmother, or aunt like that? How would you feel if another black man said the things you are saying to me about your mother, sister, grandmother, or aunt? Do you know that if you’re saying this to me, then imagine what your mother, sister, grandmother, and aunts have had to deal with all their lives?” Turn it back on them. Let them know that what they are saying is hurtful and harmful.

If that is something that is not comfortable for you, then if you’re part of a student organization, or group, then put together a panel discussion with the student body and professors and talk about internalized race/ism on a HBCU campus. Find some way to make it a larger discourse and conversation on your campus. There are other small ways you can create dialogue, and make political statements on your campus. If it is bothering you that much, then gather the other women on campus, and get them to join you in a campus dialogue, protest, or some way to get yourselves heard.

Unfortunately, you would think a lot of these young men would grow of this, or at least become educated and learn the historical implications of race and mental and emotional damage it has done to the black race. It only takes maturity, growth, and education. Many are simply trapped in a system in which it reinforces these ideas in media, film, television, and print. The only thing you can do is to continue to educate yourself, do not give in, buy into, or play into these games or these ideas and mindsets of these young men. Confront them if you feel comfortable, or you can continue to ignore them. Either way, don’t let them get to you. Don’t stoop to their level. You’re better, smarter, wiser, and way too beautiful to play into these childish games with little boys. – Terrance Dean

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