Dear Bossip: There Is Too Much Drama Between Him & His Ex-Wife & I May Need To Leave

- By Bossip Staff

Black woman fed up 1

Dear Bossip,

I am a 27 year old woman and I am a sex crimes detective (this will come into play later).

I have no children and I’m dating a 26 year old plumber with three kids (all with his ex-wife). Now, originally, I was against this because I’ve done the stepmom thing before and it was rough, and I didn’t want to go through it again. However, this man proved himself over the course of a year to be worthy of my time.

So, fast forward about 6 months and we are extremely happy with each other. I’ve never been this happy and satisfied in my life, and I’ve been through enough bad to be able to recognize this as something special.

WELL, our little fairytale came to a halt last weekend when he went to pick his kids up from his ex-wife, who just had a baby with her new boyfriend ONE WEEK earlier. I was on the phone with him when he pulled into the driveway and the next thing I hear is her yelling and screaming and him yelling back before the phone hung up. Come to find out, she came outside with a knife and slashed the tires to his car before coming after him. He had his gun in his vehicle and he admitted he took it out and flashed it at her as she was threatening him with the knife.

I don’t necessarily agree with or condone this, but then again if a b***h had just slashed my tires and was coming after me I might have done the same thing. So, as they are arguing, he puts the gun back in the car. Somehow, the new boyfriend sneaks out of the house without them seeing and goes into the car, grabs my boyfriends gun and pops off a few rounds at my boyfriend before running inside with the gun. The police are called and of course the new boyfriend has since hopped a fence and is long gone. My boyfriend tells the story just how it happens and they book him with aggravated assault-domestic. She gets a summons because she has kids in the house and the tires were a misdemeanor count.

So, he sits in jail for the weekend and has a restraining order against him. Then, we had to go through a bunch of BS to get his car from in front of her house without him violating himself and me getting in any -ish with my job. He’s spent a ton of money already, is stressing behind the kids, and feeling helpless because he can’t talk to them. On top of that, her brother said she’d been saying for months that she couldn’t wait to “drop her load” so she could mess over my boyfriend. She’s obviously miserable and is jealous he moved on.

Terrance this has been a STRESSFUL week. I’m scared to death my job is gonna get wind of this some way and that I’m going to get caught up in his -ish. Then, obviously this b***h and her man are crazy as hell; they did all of this with the kids watching and the newborn God knows where. I love him and I don’t want to leave him in his time of need, but I don’t know what to do. He’s a good man and has never been in trouble in his life, but this might be way too much drama for me. Any advice? – My Man & His Ex

Dear Ms. My Man & His Ex,

I am so confused because you’re dating this man, yet, you’re writing this letter as if you’re married to him. You’re invested in his drama with his ex-wife as if you and he live together, have a family, and his ex-wife is stepping to you and making YOUR life miserable. But, let’s be very clear – You are dating this man, and it has only been six months. You’re dating a man who has an ex-wife, and they have 3 children together, which means they have a history together. So, I’m confused as to why you’re so invested in this.

You keep calling her a “b***h,” yet, you don’t personally know her. You and her don’t have a personal history with one another. You and his ex-wife have no dealings with one another, and you don’t communicate. So, why are you calling her a “b***h”? Oh, I get it. You’re upset because your man that you’ve been dating for six months is telling you how and what his ex-wife has done to him, and how horrible of a woman she is, and you’ve already taken his side and are invested in his drama and relationship and trying to claim your position in his life. I get it. SMDH!

Ma’am, you’ve known this man all of six months. You are getting to know him, and are still in the process of getting to know him. And, let’s be very clear, he chose his ex-wife, and they got married, and created a family. Now, if she is such a horrible person, and they were not compatible with another, then why did they have three children together? Obviously, he loved something about her, and created three children and potential life with her. She didn’t just become a horrible person, and neither did he. They chose one another. And, now they are arguing in the streets, pulling knives and guns on one another, and acting like immature silly children, and getting arrested, and you honestly believe that she is miserable and jealous because he’s moved on and can’t let him go? Girl, you are foolish if you believe that. There is something else going on if they are going through all of this with one another. And, it’s something you’re not privy to.

Thus, I don’t understand why you’re in this relationship, especially when you started your letter by stating that you’ve done the “stepmom” thing previously and vowed not to do it again. So, why are you doing it again? Did you not learn the lesson after the first time? Obviously not. You’ve put yourself into someone else’s drama and –ish, and want to play “stepmom” again. And, how the hell are you playing “stepmom” when you don’t know his kids, and it’s only been six months? Why do you claim this title? You’re not wifey? You’re not married to this man, and neither were you married to the man you previously played stepmom with his children. Stop owning this –ish. You’re too invested. GET OUT!

You’re willing to risk your job, career, and life over a man who is pulling guns out on his ex-wife? Come on, let’s be smarter than that. You’re on the phone with him as he pulls into the driveway of his ex-wife’s home, and all you hear is them yelling and arguing and then the phone dies. You were not there, so you don’t really know what happened. You only have his word, and his side of the story. Now, he is the one who gets arrested, sits in jail, and has a potential felony. She, on the other hand, gets a summons, and a misdemeanor for cutting his tires. Hmmm. Put this into perspective and get out of your feelings. If her boyfriend snuck out of the house and had the chance and opportunity to sneak pass them while they are outside arguing, and your man doesn’t notice him, but her boyfriend is able to open the door to your man’s car, find his gun, and then fire several shots at him and run into the house with the gun, but he leaves the gun behind as he escapes into the air evading the police when they arrive. Then wouldn’t her boyfriend also get charged or potentially arrested as well? Yes, he left the scene, but wouldn’t the police investigate how your man’s gun got inside her home? They can tell that the gun has been fired, and do a forensics check for fingerprints and pull her boyfriend’s prints off the gun, and potentially charge him for firing the gun. Now, does this story that your boyfriend gave you sound right? You’re not getting the full story, and something is being left out. And, it’s quite possible all of this could have happened. But, I am going to err on the side of caution and figure he’s not telling you the truth and he’s leaving out some crucial details. And, why they hell were they arguing? You mean to tell me that as soon as he pulls up she comes out with the knife and is charging him without any reason or provocation? So, did he call her prior to going to her house and they were already beefing, and he happened to call you just as he pulled up? Something happened before he got there, and you don’t know what happened. Come on, girl. Let’s be realistic here. You say you’re a sex crime detective, well, err, uhm, your investigation skills are sketchy.

I recommend that you don’t become too invested in his life, his drama, and with his relationship with his ex-wife. It’s not your business or concern. You’re dating him, and are still getting to know him. I would definitely pull back and really consider if this is someone you want to invest your time and energy into. He has 3 children with this woman. She is not going anywhere. Things are going to get worse. And, if they are fighting ratchet like this, then, are you sure he is someone you want to be involved with? You could get pulled into their drama, and next time you may be present and you will get arrested right along with him. By the way, you’re trying to get his car from in front of his ex-wife’s house after he got arrested, but why didn’t he call one of his boy’s, friends, or someone in his family to go get his car? Why are you getting involved with this? It’s obvious you want to be involved and caught up in this drama. You’re calling his ex-wife out of her name, and seem to be too invested in what’s going on between them. IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Stay out of it, and remain out of it. Don’t let him pull you in, draw you in, or get involved in his mess and drama. Date, and date other men, especially men who are single, no exes, no children, and no drama or baggage. Keep your options open, and learn how to stay out of grown folks business that has nothing to do with you. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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