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Anxious African American woman frowning

Dear Bossip,

I am in love with a guy who I know is not good for me. Unfortunately, love is blind, dumb, and spooky.

I am 34 years young, but I have not found anyone good enough to get married to. I am still a virgin. When I met him, he had everything I needed in a guy. He had the looks, amazing sexy voice, modern out-look to life, and a great sense of humor. He was a complete package.

We used to have mind-blowing conversations and he gave me nice compliments. We kissed and held hands. He used to text and call me a lot. As we all know, all good things come to an end. One of his close friends told me that the guy I loved had a kid! I was shocked as he acted like a completely single guy. One of my girl-friends thinks that if he has a kid, then it is 150% obvious that he must have a wife, too.

We are International medical students and his friend said his child is in another country. I did not have the nerve to ask about the wife. When I confronted him, he did not say anything and so we have stopped having conversations. I just want to ask you why do you think he hid the fact that he had a child? If I knew it beforehand, I would have maintained my distance and avoided him like a virus. How can someone hide a crucial part of their life, especially the fact that they have a child?

He did mention in the beginning that he had slept with a lot of women, but he never said anything about a child. I just want to completely delete him out of my memory bank, but it’s not so easy. Also, at times, it’s depressing and frustrating that I still have not found a nice guy to get married to. I have graduated twice with two degrees. I have a health-care job, but still all I have found are Mr. Stupid, Mr. Useless, Mr. Secret Father, but not a Mr. Right! I am still shopping for a husband!

I would like to end this letter with a poem:

When your heart is broken and you feel sad,

When the rain in your eyes don’t seem to end,

Write to Bossip and you will be glad,

He will solve your problem in a second!

Signed – Heartburn

Dear Ms. Heartburn,

Well, all people lie, and they lie about all types of simple, and little and big things. And, who knows the reasons for their lies. Now, why would this guy you met lie about having a child, well, only he can answer that question. Maybe he knew that you would not be interested in him, and he would have to answer a follow-up slew of questions, such as where is the mother? Why is the child in another country? And, if he confessed to sleeping with many women in his past, then is that his only child? Is he married? Does he have a girlfriend in another part of the world, or at home? And, what is his relationship with his child and his child’s mother? Yes, there is a lot of things he would have to answer to, and I’m sure he wanted to evade this and make you another notch on his belt of foreign women he’s bedded.

But, I’m sure he’s one of those guys who considers what he did is not lying, and it is more like he didn’t disclose or reveal any of this information because you didn’t ask. So, let’s take a look at what some would call lying versus what others would call not revealing or disclosing critical information.

See, in your case, he can easily say he never lied because, “Well, you never asked me about children, so, therefore, why was there a need to disclose that information?” Yes, it is a key and crucial piece of information, but if you didn’t ask, then, he can technically say that he had not lied. You never asked, or, as some men often like to use as their lines for not disclosing key and important information, “It never came up,” and my all time favorite line that men use, “I was waiting for the right time to tell you.” Uhm, sir, anytime and every time is the right time. There is no waiting for the perfect time to tell someone about a child, wife, or girlfriend.

Well, here’s the thing, if you have a child/ren, a wife, a girlfriend, separated, divorced, an STD, on the run from the law, warrants out for your arrest, been to prison, sell drugs, or anything that someone should know, then tell them upfront. Waiting for the right time, or saying it never came up is not a reason to not reveal or tell someone about important things in your life, especially like a child. Why hide a child? But, there is something more with that child, and it would be a whole other story if he had brought it up. So, it should send warning signs to you that if he is hiding a child, someone who is part of him, a child he helped to procreate, then there are other key and important things he is hiding. And, I believe, like your friend, that he is hiding a wife or other girlfriend/s. I’m glad you ended this relationship and moved on, and it will be hard, but be very thankful you dodged a bullet.

Now, moving on to your quest and search for Mr. Right, well, you’re going to have kiss quite a number of frogs before you get to your Mr. Right. And, I wouldn’t put too much energy into this quest that you have to find Mr. Right at this moment. I know you’re 34 years old, a virgin, and you’re looking at your biological clock because you want to have your own family and children. But, don’t rush anything or force relationships to happen. Continue to maintain your focus on your career, your goals, and having fun and enjoying life. Continue to date, and keep it casual and let this be a lesson for you. When you meet men in the future you can ask critical and key questions such as, “Do you have children?” “Are you married?” “Do you have a girlfriend?” “Are you separated, or divorced?” Also, thank you for your poem. Now, invest your energy into yourself and your career. Mr. Right will come along. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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