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black woman miserable

Dear Bossip,

About a year ago, I found myself newly single and signed up to the dating app “Tinder.”

I ended up seeing a guy on there that I graduated high school with (10 years ago) and had a crush on back then. Let’s call him “D.”  I swiped right, meaning I liked him, and learned that he had also swiped right on me. Therefore, we were a match. He messaged me shortly afterward and we began hanging out.

We both said in the beginning that we weren’t looking to force anything to be serious, but if it amounted to that we would be open to it. We started having regular sex, as well as, going out on dates. We would typically spend all of our free time together and basically acted as a couple without the title. We got along GREAT. It was always a good time. Fast forward a few months and I started catching some real feelings.

Well, I decided to bring this up to him and he basically said that he liked the way things were with us and that he wasn’t looking to get into a relationship “anytime soon.” I was a little surprised because the things we were doing (meeting friends/family, him begging me to stay the night even when I was on my cycle and we couldn’t have sex, regular dates, being monogamous, etc.) had me thinking he was feeling the same way I did. But, whatever, I said fine, and we continued doing what we were doing.

About 3 months ago, I found out I was pregnant. We were using the pull out method (I know, stupid) and it happened. Well, he FLIPPED OUT. He showed me a completely different side of himself and pretty much said he wanted nothing to do with having a baby. I realized that even though I am in the financial position to take care of a baby alone (as well as having a great support system), I didn’t want to be a single mom. I agreed to terminate the pregnancy and he paid for it.

After that, we didn’t talk for about a month. Then, one day, he reached out. He apologized for how he reacted and said he had just been nervous because he hadn’t finished school yet and wasn’t where he felt he needed to be financially. He claims he regrets the decision because he thinks he would have been totally on board as the pregnancy progressed.

Whatever, I’m not naïve, but I honestly missed my friend.  We kicked it again a few times, but it wasn’t the same. He started hitting me up all day long and I’d reply only when I was free, and he’d invite me over and I’d usually find an excuse for why I couldn’t come. I just felt “different” about us.

So, here’s where I f****d up. His friend, let’s call him “M,” I met him through D and a group of us including D would all hang out together at D’s house. I thought he was funny and had a dope personality, not to mention he was attractive, but we never flirted or anything.

While me and D were going through our issue and not communicating, M and I would still chat on social media as friends. We even went a few places (the gym, the gun range) as totally platonic friends. Then one day, M asked me about my relationship with D. I told him the short version (excluding the pregnancy) and said that while we still kicked it every now and again, we rarely talked anymore and it wasn’t the same. He said he was always interested in me and wanted to see where things could go. I felt I was “breaking the code,” but I honestly felt like given what D and I went through, how he reacted, and the fact that I poured my heart out to him and he rejected me, I was free to do what I wanted. Maybe his friend wasn’t the best choice, but it was what it was.

Me and M then went out on a few more little dates and we ended up sleeping together. I immediately regretted it, realized I still had true feelings for D, and decided to break it off with M and cut all contact.

D and I resumed our thing like we had before, and I elected not to tell him about what happened between me and M, and M agreed to not say anything either.

Well, of course, M told D, who proceeded to go nuts.  He said he had been trying to repair things with me because he realized what I meant to him and he was ready for what I wanted, but that I was giving him the cold shoulder and “now he knew why.” He told me that he couldn’t look me in my face anymore. He thought I was different, etc. It crushed me that I had hurt him, especially since I still loved him.

Now, he won’t have much to do with me. I reach out to him daily and he just says that I did the unthinkable and he can’t forgive me.

I miss him, I love him, but I don’t want to keep hounding behind someone who doesn’t want me. I think there’s hope because he still replies, but do you think he will ever come around? Should I take my licking and leave it alone? How do I go about winning his trust back? I know I messed up but I’m willing to work towards getting it back. Any advice helps. – Did The Unthinkable

Dear Ms. Did The Unthinkable,

So, you and D were hanging out, including being bed buddies, and made the initial agreement that neither of you were looking for anything serious, but a few months later you catch feelings and he tells you, “Naw, I’m not feeling a relationship and want to keep things the way they are.” But, lo and behold, you end up pregnant, because you’re having unprotected sex (Yeah, that’s smart), and acting like you’re high school teenagers your pregnancy prevention is the “Pull out” method. (You sound real competent).

But, after he learns of your pregnancy, he dismisses you, flips out, and you see another side of him, (Oh, what a surprise). He tells you he wants nothing to do with the baby, and the best answer to end his potential lifelong problem, possible baby momma drama, and commitment to you is for you to terminate the pregnancy. You agree. Then, again, lo and behold, a month later he has second thoughts and regrets, telling you he’s had time to consider what happened, but the deed has been done, and he wants to resume your “bed buddy” relationship. And, you go along with this. (HUH?)

So, the fact that he’s done all this, told you that he didn’t and doesn’t want a relationship, and let’s be real and very clearn – he did not consider you someone whom he would want to have a baby with nor co-parent with. He’s always known, and always feels that you are not girlfriend material, wifey material, and definitely not baby momma material; which explains why he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, and didn’t want to have a child. Yet, you’re good enough to sleep with and run up in raw, which means he sees you as a random, or something to do until he meets someone else. Because why would he respect you if you allow him to slide up in you raw and unprotected, and if you don’t respect yourself, then why would he respect you. Mind you, your relationship started off with you and D having sex, so he knew from the beginning you were someone he would never see himself with for a long-term relationship.

By the way, I don’t care if you met his family, friends, or whomever, and you were hanging out going on dates. A man who wants a woman, and really he wants her to be his woman, then, he will treat you as such. There would be no questioning your relationship, where you stand, and where things are going. You will know. He kept you at arms length, and continued to keep you arms length. And, now he’s in his feelings because you slept with one of his friends? Girl, bye to you and him!

He’s not in his feelings. You’ve just given him a reason to end it officially with you. He knew you were giving him the cold shoulder, but he wanted to save face and protect his ego. He didn’t want you to be the one to break it off first. He wanted to be the first one to break it off. And, upon learning you slept with his boy, M, it gave him the perfect out.

However, this is what I do not understand. Why did you sleep with M knowing you were breaking the code? If you hung out with M at D’s house, and he is often there, and they are boys, then I don’t understand why you are hanging out alone with him anyway. Why are you going out and confiding in him on social media about your relationship with D? M is not your friend, never was your friend, and owes nothing to you. And, why would you put any amount of trust into M thinking he would never tell D? Uhm, you sound silly and immature. Besides, sleeping with the crew, well, that only makes you look like _______________.

Then, you have the nerve to you sit up here and say that you and M never flirted, but you found him attractive. So, you were eyeing him? You noticed him. But, I can’t for the world of me understand why you found it okay to hang out with a guy, who is a male friend of someone you’re sleeping with and have feelings for. You can’t honestly think you and M were hanging out as platonic friends. NOOOOOO! You knew what you were doing, and what was going on. You were attracted to M, and like any player, he saw your vulnerability, or feigned vulnerability. And, he did the player move once he had you alone and asked you about your relationship with D, and once you said it was bumpy, M made his move, and you spread your legs wide, and got played. Now, you’re trying to repair something that never was with D.

Girl, bye. Move on. Stop running after D. He doesn’t want you, like he’s never wanted you from the very beginning. He was only using you for what he thought you were good for – sex. He’s making you feel guilty and having you run after him while he’s telling you that he can’t look at you in your face, and you’ve done the unthinkable, yet, he was running up in you raw, got mad when he found out you were pregnant, and convinced you to terminate your pregnancy. He’s happy he dodged that bullet with you.

This is a lesson learned. If a man tells you from the jump he is not interested in a relationship, then know you are not going to change his mind, regardless of how long you’ve been sleeping together, and who he introduces you to, and how often you hang out. He has already placed you in the category of “Friends With Benefit,” and his “Bed Buddy.” Sure, he likes your company, likes having sex with you, and enjoys you, but you will never get out of that zone. He doesn’t see you as someone he can invest in for a long-term relationship, or potential girlfriend, or wife.

Next, don’t ever hang out, socialize, or mingle with a man’s male friends. Don’t friend them on social media, follow them on Twitter or Instagram, or accept their friend request on Facebook. Don’t get their numbers and text each other, and don’t hang out alone with any of his friends, even if it’s just to run to the store, gym, or whatever. If you are sleeping with or having sex with, or even dating someone, then please know his male friends are not your friends. They see you as, “I’m gonna hit that if I get the chance and potential. All I need is the opportunity.”

Next, don’t ever assume that you can trust his friends to not tell him anything that you confide in them in confidence. THEY WILL TELL! They don’t owe you anything. Their loyalty is with him, always! Finally, stop having unprotected sex with men, especially if your relationship is casual. Yes, you felt you and he were monogamous, and were going out on dates, and you met his friends and family, but that doesn’t mean a damn thing. You don’t have unprotected sex with anyone because “he seems nice, and I really like him, and hopefully this will go further.” It’s still casual. You’re not his main and only woman. Besides, if you had unprotected sex with D, then he will only assume that you had unprotected sex with M. Did you?

Finally, stop chasing after D, running after him, blowing up his phone, and acting like you need to make amends to someone who was never committed to you. You and he were never in a relationship. So, just as he felt he didn’t owe you anything when he convinced you to terminate the pregnancy, and stopped speaking to you for an entire month, and he only hit you up when he wanted you back in his bed, then, please know and understand this, he was only using you. He wanted his bed buddy, and FWB back in his bed. He’s done with you and has dismissed you only because what he thought he had exclusively with you, well, his boy M has had it too. He wanted you to be loyal to him, but he wasn’t willing to be loyal to you. So, please move on, and take this as a lesson learned. Grow from this experience. Stop acting like you’re in high school or some teenager. Be a grown woman, and be thankful you can move from both D and M. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

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