Dear Bossip: I Want To Get Married & I Said No More Pre-Marital Sex & He Said Why Not

- By Bossip Staff

black couple in bed 1

Dear Bossip,

Me and my boyfriend are both in our 20s, and have been together for almost 3 years. We recently just had a child together (his fourth and my first).

We have been discussing marriage for almost 2 of the 3 years we’ve been together, but we haven’t actually did it yet. We are both college students and are working on our future. Being raised a Christian I have recently decided to strengthen my relationship with the Lord and want to stop having pre-marital sex. He doesn’t agree since we have already been having sex and he’s used to it.

We have compromised on giving up sex for 6 months to strengthen our relationship. He says that he wants to attend graduate school and be more stable before getting married, which is another year from now. But, I don’t see the need to wait since we have already been playing house. He also thinks I need to mature more before fully committing, which I don’t disagree with.

Our main problem is that he wants me to do things I feel a wife only does for her husband (like to follow his lead, and to be more submissive, including other things). Some of the other things I don’t mind doing, like cooking and cleaning, since I would be doing them if he wasn’t there anyhow.

I just don’t want to completely give myself to him without marriage and then we never get married and I’ve given all my youthful years to him along with husband perks for nothing. We have been working on our differences and we really want to work things out if for nothing else then for the sake of our child. But, I don’t want to wait forever. So, my question is should I give him a sample of what I can be as a wife and then just wait until he’s ready to get married? He said that he wouldn’t mind setting a date and getting rings, but I’m just not sure if we are moving in that direction. – Playing House

Dear Ms. Playing House,

This is a huge problem, and unfortunately you’ve already committed yourself to playing house and acting like a married couple, yet, now you want to do it officially. This is really ass backwards.

But, my first concern is having a child with a man who already has three children. Though, you didn’t state if the other three children were with one woman or multiple women, I am still concerned that you had a child with a man in his 20s, and he’s producing multiple children with different women. That is a problem. Is he paying child support for his other children? Is he actively involved in their lives? How is his relationship with his children’s mother/s? What arrangements does he have in regards to custody of his children? Are you involved in their lives as well? Marrying him means you inherit his children and you become a blended family. His children have a brother/sister, and do they know one another, and how are you going to move forward in building a relationship with multiple children? You didn’t discuss this as a concern in your letter, but that is something very serious to think about.

I am not sure if you and he are ready for marriage. You are clearly putting the cart before the horse, especially by living together, playing house, and he wants you to cook, clean, and you follow him and he is the lead, including being submissive to him. Huh? So, he wants you to start acting like a wife and then he will marry you. But, how is he going to gauge this assessment of your behavior and what is the barometer of measurement in knowing if you’re doing things right or wrong? Who is keeping tabs? How long will this go on before he decides it is “okay,” or he approves of the changes and will move forward with marriage?

And, I don’t understand that you and this man have been dating for 3 years, have produced a child, and now that you have a renewed sense of your Christian faith you want to stop engaging in pre-marital sex because of what? Sweetie, all you’re doing is withholding sex from him. That’s what you’re really doing. You’ve had a change of heart and mind regarding your situation and relationship, and you’re re-evaluating where it’s going. You’re having second thoughts, and doubting if it really is going to turn into a marriage, and you don’t want to invest all this time and energy into something and you don’t want to feel as if you won’t get anything for your investment. Technically, all you want to do is to stop what you’ve already started. Well, ma’am, all of this should have been done in the beginning when you first started dating. You shouldn’t have been engaging in pre-marital sex, and living together, and giving him the cow and the milk before having a child, and not sure where the relationship was going. Now, you’re trying to reverse what you should have already begun three years ago. Sorry, but, he’s won. He’s giving you ultimatums to your ultimatum.

In order for him to change and consider marriage he wants you to change and make some adjustments and then he will consider marriage. He wants you to start acting more like a wife because in effect you’re withholding sex in order to get what you want. And, for him to get what he wants, he told you that you are not ready, and not mature enough, and you have to wait another year because he wants to attend graduate school and become more stable in his life. Hmmm, was he all of these things before he decided to help procreate four children? He’s laying with women and having unprotected sex, and producing children, then, is he financially capable and able to be taking care of his four children? Is he actively involved with all his children, or just your child? He’s talking about maturity, but his immaturity in creating children and I am assuming he’s not taking care of all them shows that he isn’t father of the year. How mature can he be that in his 20s he already has four children, and we can deduce that he has at least two baby mommas. And, if you’re living together, and you’re both in school, then is he working? Did he move in with you? Is his name on the lease? What bills is he paying in the home? Do you split the rent, or are you covering the rent? He wants you to cook and clean, but how is he contributing to the household? And, what if things don’t work out between you and him, and he dates another woman, and they produce children before marriage? Ma’am, my point is that he’s not mature either.

You and he have not discussed pre-marital counseling. Yes, before you get married you should seek counsel from your pastor, or a counselor. And, since you’ve had a change of heart and want to reconnect with your Christian values, then, is he attending church with you? Is he making changes and recommitting himself to his Christian values, or he never had any? What good is it if you’re recommitting yourself, and he is not? If you’re going to start fresh and anew with your Christian faith, and he is not, yet, he wants you to submit yourself to him, and follow his lead, then who and what is he following? And, why would you follow him? You’ll be a fool to follow a man with no spiritual or religious guidance. He’s already led you astray and have you playing house, telling you that he is not going to marry you until at least he has a graduate degree and is stable in his life, and he doesn’t see why you’re withholding sex because you’ve already been spreading it wide for him so why stop now. He can’t keep his d**k in his pants and already has four children, but he wants you to follow him and be submissive to him. Uhm, no!

If you’re going to really recommit yourself to your renewed faith and make these adjustments before marriage, then consult a spiritual advisor, or your pastor. Seek pre-marital counsel and see if you and he are on the same page, and if this is someone you really want to commit yourself to. You’re making all these changes to your life to prove that you are marriage and wife material, but what changes is he making in his life to prove he is marriage and husband material? – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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