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Black Woman worrying

Dear Bossip,

I’m 31 years old and I’ve been living in Holyoke for 10 years.

When I first moved here, I met a woman and we have been best friends every since. Problem is that we have not spoken to each other in almost a year because I am tired of her promiscuous ways.

She keeps finding herself in “relationships” with married men. She even had a son with one of them and then expected him to leave his wife and kids to be with her. Of course it never happened. For a long time I would be the best friend who supported her and was her shoulder to cry on. But, after telling her over and over how she deserves better and she will never be happy chasing after dogs, she continued to do it; even after these married men would give her STDs.

We ultimately stopped communicating after I told her I would no longer feel sorry for putting herself in these situations, and we haven’t spoken to each other in a year. Her son is also my God son, but now I have no relationship with him and he is almost 3 years old. It’s been bothering me lately. Am I wrong for judging her sleeping with married men or am I right for ending our 10 year friendship and need to move on? I have been married 4 years and I couldn’t imagine having someone like her as my best friend anymore. I enjoyed her friendship, talking, going out to eat and being the best of buddies! But, she was my best/only friend here in MA. What should I do? – Lost Friend

Dear Ms. Lost Friend,

If she stopped talking to you because you called her out for her behavior, and for sleeping with married men, then maybe she just wasn’t your friend from the beginning. She needed someone to condone, and co-sign her bull-ish, and once you called her out on it, she got in her feelings and ended it because you wouldn’t give her what she wanted. She treated you just like the men she was sleeping with and who wouldn’t give her what she wanted. She is a user. She is an abuser. She cares about no one but herself. And, you allowed yourself to be used and abused. Who in their right mind would sit by and watch their friend self-destruct for 10 long years?

Also, sometimes we lose people in our lives because they are only in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. And, it appears your friend was in your life for a season. And, the season has ended because you’ve grown, yet, she has not. You can’t force someone to do or be someone they are not, and your friend enjoys her life of sleeping with married men, destroying other people’s lives and homes, and living in chaos. If that is not who you are, what you are about, and what you wish not to condone in others, then you have to let people go, and hopefully they will grow.

Your friend made no qualms about what she was doing, and how this may affect not only her, but the lives of others – the families she was destroying, and, including as much, her own child/ren. If how she was living offended you and made you uncomfortable, and you told her about it, and desired that she stop or get help, and she didn’t take heed or listen to your advice, then perhaps she wasn’t your friend, but her co-conspirator. She vented and you listened. She shared her stories and you were there to give her a crying shoulder to lean on.  Every man she slept with, had extra-marital affairs with, got an STD by, and procreated a baby with, you were there. Every undesirable thing she has done, you’ve been there. So, what does that say about you? I notice that once you confronted her about her choices, and the lifestyle she was leading she was the one who stopped communicating with you. She felt you were judging her, and condemning her, so she cut you off. You had ample amount of time and opportunity to have ended your friendship with her if what she was doing was so vile and repulsive to you. But, you listened to her, consoled her, and stood by her side for 10 years while she went through all these different men.

Look, I understand friendship, but I also understand boundaries. If this was something you never condoned and never wanted to be associated with, then you could have cut it off before 10 years. But, you enjoyed the hanging out, talking, going out to eat, and friendship, but I’m sure it mainly consisted of her drama, her wild stories, and her affairs.

You’re married now. You have your own family, and life to lead, and live. Enjoy it. It’s been well over a year since she has removed herself from your life. Let her remain gone and out of your life. Yes, we all grieve those who we love and share wonderful times with, and then they abruptly leave and exit our lives, especially after a long period of time of building, growing, and learning about one another. It’s hard to let someone go after you’ve developed a deep relationship with them, and you have a soft spot in your heart for them. You love them dearly. However, sometimes we have to love ourselves even more and let others go so that they can grow, learn, and mature on their own. Perhaps she will see the error of her ways, and she will mature and become a different woman. Maybe she will take the lessons you’ve given her, and the advice you shared on numerous occasions, and she will apply them. Sometimes it takes folks months, or years to finally hear or get what you’ve been saying or telling them. And, it they may need to be out of your life in order to finally get it, hear it, or learn it.

Her life choices, and life style at this moment is not something you can agree with. And, your friendship with her and what she does is indicative of how others will view and see you. Yes, folks believe in that saying, “Birds of a feather flock together.” And, ma’am, what will happen if she starts making googly eyes at your husband, and, or, she starts trying to sleep with him? Then what? Don’t think for one second that you are exempt from her behavior. If she can be so callous and so cold to do what she is doing to other women’s husband, then trust believe she will do the very same thing to you. I wouldn’t put anything past her. Be glad she is out of your life. You don’t have to worry about no one else’s drama, stress, or problems. You have your own –ish to deal with. Besides, I’m sure you’ll make and meet other friends. She can’t be the only person in Holyoke. – Terrance Dean

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