Dear Bossip: He Doesn’t Help With Our Autistic Child, The Bills, Or Anything

- By Bossip Staff

Black couple arguing 1

Dear Bossip,

I am a 32 year old mother of three. I have been in a destructive relationship for 8 years. I am so ashamed to say that.

My two oldest children are from a previous relationship. I have a five year old son who was diagnosed with Autism. It is a difficult journey every day. I have been financially supporting the household this whole entire time. He’s worked over the years, but with no cash to show. He says he doesn’t have a secret love child that he’s keeping quiet, and not spending his money on drugs. But, he gets mood swings and has “got to leave to be around friends.” I am doing everything alone.

Today, he used my van to go out for a few hours. He ended up coming in at 9 pm with some frozen meat to cook. I was upset. He was responsible for dinner. The house had to wait until it defrosted and was cooked. I tried not to argue because I did tell him to bring it to me to cook so it would be done. But, he had to hang out.

I then asked him for help with the light bill because it would be disconnected. I cannot do this all by myself (at this moment). He said okay he would give it to me on Friday the due date. He ends up giving the money to his daughter’s mother. He said that he has not given her anything in a while. My veteran uncle who lives a few sates away paid the bill for me. Why? Why couldn’t he give her something the following week knowing that the light bill was due that Friday? I’ve been trying to keep it inside.

So, when he arrived with the frozen meat I explained to him that it was late. He knew the kids were hungry. He asked me why didn’t I cook. It was because I was alone with our autistic son. The older children were being children. So, I had to stay by my child’s side, or he will go out the window. He is a safety risk. He is fully aware that our son is unaware of danger. So, he says since he’s hungry he’ll make him all these ribs and the other kids don’t have to eat. He questioned why the other kids couldn’t help watch our son while I cooked. Who the hell?!?

I’ve got flames behind my eyes. I do it all. I feed him and his daughter. I potty trained her, and take her shopping. When she comes here she comes for my daughter, and myself. If my daughter isn’t home, then she is ready to call her mom to pick her up. This is making me sick. I’m tired of him. Why in the world does this person exist? I am pissed off. Feeding him like an extra child. Then, my kids can’t eat? That’s funny. Not in this house. I hate that I feel I need his help with our little son. Driving him to school alone is dangerous. I can’t have just anyone care for him. He is non verbal. Cooking, cleaning, yeah, I just want to be able to do it all alone and get rid of him. He has never contributed.

He gave me a hundred dollars. I put it in my work bag. He tells me don’t leave it there. The next day, it’s gone. The following week, not on a pay day, he gives it to me again. I’m thinking he took it back, blamed it on my children, and then gave it back so that Friday he wouldn’t have to. It would then look like he gave me more. In reality it’s the same money. My oldest would have been excited and spent it. He was home that whole weekend the money went missing. My daughter had $350 from her birthday. She would not have taken it. I just want to take the trash out, and get rid of him. What do I do? – So Over Him

Dear Ms. So Over Him,

For eight years you have enabled him. For eight years you have fed him, cleaned after him, allowed him not to contribute to the household, and you laid with him and spread your legs for him for eight years. So, you have no one to blame but yourself. This behavior did not just start. It did not happen within the past few days, months, or years. This has been taking place ever since you began dating him. Therefore, you took on this project and were hoping you could change him, make him better, and be the man you wanted him to be. Eight years later and nothing has changed. He’s gotten worse. And, now you’re tired. You’re over it and him. You want him out of your life. You wish you had never gotten involved with him. Sweetie, you helped to create this man.

If you want nothing more to do with him, and you want him out of your life, then put him out. You claim that you’re financially taking care of the household, and have been doing so for the entire eight years you’ve been together, so I don’t understand why you continue to allow him to stay. He is not contributing, so it’s not as if you will miss any financial support. He is not helping you with your autistic child, so you won’t miss any support with your child. And, I really want you to pay close attention to the fact that he is not supportive, engaging, or assisting with your autistic child – a child that has special needs, and needs constant attention and care. He is not helping, or making any efforts to help financially, or to get you support or assistance with your child. A father, a man who will not go to work, or find ways to earn extra money to get help for his special needs child is a man who is worth nothing. So, why is he in your life, and in your child’s life?

Ma’am, stop complaining about what he is not doing and do something about it. Stop being annoyed, aggravated, and upset over his lack and deficiencies. Eliminate him out of your life and you won’t have to worry about what he is not doing, not contributing, and how he is worth nothing. I swear some of y’all make –ish so complicated when it’s so very easy. I wish I would be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t contribute, and sits around doing nothing. Then, he takes your car, leaves for hours on end, and comes back with some damn frozen meat and wants you to cook it!?! HUH? Why didn’t you slap him with the meat?

If you got to ask your man to give you money to pay a bill, to take care of your children, to feed your children, to buy things for the home, and to take care of the basic necessities, then you don’t have a man. You have a boy. You an irresponsible, lazy, no-good for nothing, bum ass dude. You shouldn’t have to ask your man for money, especially to pay for a bill that is coming up and potentially will be disconnected. No, ma’am.

But, I get it – you’re one of those women who like to complain, fight, and argue about what you’re doing, and how you’re doing it all by yourself with no help from him. You like putting him down, complaining about his trifling no good ways, and how he ain’t –ish and won’t be –ish, but he’s your –ish. SMDH! If you’re done, tire, and over him, then pack his clothes inside a garbage bag and put his –ish outside. You wanna be about that life of doing you, making changes, and getting rid of the trash, then change the locks on the door. Change your attitude and stop letting him back in the home. The man gave you money and then stole it back from you. And, you know he did it, but you’re still trying to rationalize why he would do such a thing. Uhm, no. Stop making allowances, and trying to figure why he did or does the things he does. Just check him on it, end the relationship, and be done with him. Just be done with him. Stop trying to figure out why he does what he does. You should already know by now. You’ve spent eight years with him, so you know the answers. He’s trifling. He’s a bum. He’s lazy. He’s irresponsible. He’s a thief. He’s a liar. I could go on and on, and this is only based on what you shared in the letter. Grow up. Stop taking care of an extra mouth and child. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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