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Black man sorry 1

Dear Bossip,

I met this girl a few months ago through mutual friends.

When I first began talking to her I thought she was boring and a b***h. It turns out she was just “observant” as she put it. I decided to ask her out on a few dates in order to get to know her. On the dates she was more talkative then she was through text, and she was beautiful. Eventually, we started hanging out at her house a few times. She’s 23 years old and has her own apartment. I’m 30 years old and live at home.

I started seeing her less and less because she lives about an hour away via public transportation. She doesn’t want to come to my house because she feels like she doesn’t want to meet my family because it’s too early and she prefers if I go over to her house because she lives alone. She even told me she isn’t a teenager anymore and she doesn’t want to be confined to the way she felt as a teen by going to her boyfriend’s houses when they lived with parents.

Fast forward and time has passed. Yesterday when I asked her why she hasn’t spoken to me regularly and she barely hits me up she said she doesn’t see this going anywhere, which is something she has said once before. I was confused so I asked why. She decided to bring up everything from the last 3 months. She told me I make no effort to see her. I make promises to come see her and then go out with friends instead (this happened a few times). She said that I don’t make strong plans because I always say, “I’ll see,” or, “maybe,” when it comes to seeing her. And, then she said I minimize her accomplishments and try to outdo her and that I’m a weak man.

She feels like I shut down in debates because I don’t want to talk to her if I feel like she has too much to say. And, then she feels like I’m argumentative when she’s quiet, but I see it as a time to make my point. She also said I’m an asshole because if she tells me how she feels I’ll tell her I don’t care. But, I really don’t care sometimes.

Let me explain: First – I just cancel plans or go out with friends because she lives too far. If she was closer I would see her more. Also, I don’t like that she feels I have to come see her just because she has her own apartment.

Second – I feel like she wants someone to acknowledge everything she does and I don’t think it’s serious. She once taught a seminar and was shocked I didn’t say congrats when she told me about it. I told her I didn’t see the big deal. Then, she told me I was rude and she felt it was an accomplishment that she taught a seminar at her age and any normal person would say congrats. I still don’t see the point.

Third – She works in child welfare and I work security. I was telling her how hard my job is as security because I have people’s safety in my hands, and she wouldn’t understand that and she was just shocked. So, I asked her what’s the problem and she was like, “Do you understand what my job entails?” And, I was like but it’s not a serious job. She then said she’s never met someone who truly believed security was a more difficult or demanding job than child welfare/child protective services. She then said she feels like I minimize what she does and feels the need to say little things to make myself seem like a stronger man.

Overall, she feels like I’m a weak and insecure man who cannot be with a woman like her. She also said I’m cheap because I believe dating should be 50/50. She feels like in the dating stage a man should be courting a woman and when and if a relationship occurs then she as a woman would be completely okay with going 50/50 for everything. I know I’m insecure, but that’s because of my past relationships. But, I don’t think I’m a weak man.

Also, she was mad because I tried to tell her to move back in with her parents because she would go visit them after work all the time. She was offended and said just because she loves being around them doesn’t mean she has to live with them. I personally feel like they do everything for her because they drive her to her house sometimes and take her to run errands. She was upset and said they don’t pay her bills, rent, or anything. She said her parents like to drive her home sometimes and it’s during this time they can spend time together and it’s something they appreciate. She was also like if they want to take her to run errands when they know she does not drive then that’s their business as well.

I like her and everything, but I feel like she’s too sensitive and I’m not weak. I also think she’s spoiled and wants someone who’s going to agree with her all the time. She says she doesn’t want a man who says yes all the time, but she does want one that supports her emotionally. And, she doesn’t want someone who downplays her accomplishments and she wants someone to make time for her as she has tried to make time for me.

I know I’m right, but how do I get her to see that this is just the kind of guy I am, but I could treat her how she wants one day. – Mr. Dating A Brat

Dear Mr. Dating A Brat,

Sir, you are the brat. You are silly, childish, and a jerk. You’re a 30 year old man living at home, yet, she is 23 years old with a career and her own place. Though she may not have a vehicle, she seems to be pretty mature about her life, and what she wants. Hell, she was mature enough to tell you that she doesn’t see your relationship going anywhere. She recognizes in the three months you’ve been dating that you are not the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, and she doesn’t want to take the relationship further, and she gave you some solid reasons.

First, you cancel plans that you make for a date because she lives too far and you cancel so that you can hang with your friends. Then, you say if she lived closer you would see her more. You sound like you’re 12 years old. You’re a 30 year old man attempting to date a woman, but you don’t want to go spend time with her. Regardless if she lived two blocks, or two hours away, you made the choice to pursue her when you initially met her. Why is it an issue now that she lives “too far”? Didn’t you know this when you first took her out on dates? If you are really into her and really interested in being with her, then you will travel regardless the distance to get to her. You’re sad and pathetic to make plans and then cancel to go hang out with your friends. Who does that? You’re a 30 year old man acting like a teenage boy. Grow up.

Then, you tell her that the work she does is frivolous and her accomplishments are not that serious. You don’t celebrate her, uplift her, inspire her, or encourage her. Instead you told her that you didn’t see the big deal on something she felt was an accomplishment. Sir, you have a lot to learn. Regardless if she got a certificate for her achievements, or held a seminar, or helped a child in need, to her it was something major, and if it is something major to her and it meant something, then it should be something major for you and it should mean something. You tell her that you’re proud of her, and that she should be celebrated. You take her to dinner, buy her flowers, or a card, hell, you surprise her at her job and take her to lunch. Every small victory, accomplishment or goal is worth celebrating, especially if you are in a relationship and your partner is excited about them. You don’t downplay their achievements, and tell them they are not that serious, and that you don’t care. Yes, you do sound like a sour puss. You are a Debby Downer. You are a hater. No man discredits or discourages the woman he is dating.

And, downplaying her work and comparing what you do with what she does is silly and immature. Why are you comparing whose job is harder, more challenging, and more difficult? What is the point in that? Why do you have to prove that what you do is more important, or more dangerous, and what she does is not serious or minimize what she does? If you minimize her career, then in essence you are minimizing her as a woman. You don’t value her, and it’s obvious how you see her in relation to you in your relationship. You don’t see her as an equal or a partner. You don’t see her as someone who is on your level. What’s sad is that you truly don’t get it, and I guess it will explain why you are a 30 year old security guard living at home and you don’t have a woman.

Then, throughout your letter you keep mentioning that you are not a weak man. Why is it so important for you to keep mentioning this and why do you keep stating you are not weak? Does it really hurt you that bad that she said it to you?  Does it offend you that she pointed something out and it struck a nerve? Perhaps she is on target. Perhaps she did strike a nerve and it hit you. Maybe you have heard this before from someone else, maybe your past relationships. She was on target when she said you were insecure. You even mentioned you are insecure because of your past relationships. And, I would even venture to say you are insecure with a woman who is strong and secure, especially a 23 year old woman who has her –ish together and doesn’t want to put up with a 30 year old man who doesn’t seem to have his –ish together.

By the way, if you thought she was a “b***h” when you met her, then, why did you decide to pursue her? That doesn’t make any sense. And, since you want to point out her flaws, then why does it matter if she doesn’t want to date you any longer? If she is a brat, not understanding, immature, doesn’t seem to know why you cancel, and she won’t listen to you, then why do you want to be with her? Why do you want to be in a relationship with her?

But, let’s address this last thing and be done. At the end of your letter you state, “I know I’m right, but how do I get her to see that this is just the kind of guy I am, but I could treat her how she wants one day.” Sir, please show me “one day” on the calendar. If you can’t treat her how she wants to be treated today, right now, and in this moment, then you are not the man for her. You can’t become that man “one day” if you are not that man today. And, do you hear how absurd you sound talking about “I can treat her how she wants one day.” You are slow. Sir, I don’t believe in dating someone’s potential. You are talking about what you can potentially do, and the potential man you will become. Uhm, you’re 30 years old! If haven’t morphed into that man already and over time, then you won’t become him overnight.

Then, you say “I know I’m right, but how do I get her to see that this is just the kind of guy I am.” She already sees the kind of guy you are and that is why she doesn’t want to be with you. UGH!!! And, you’re right about what? If you have the need to be “right” then you’ve already lost. No woman wants to be with a man who is always right and has to go out of his way to prove he’s right. If you claim you like her, then why are you treating her the way that you do? If you like her, then you are not showing it. As a matter of fact, you’re doing the complete opposite. You’re demeaning her, you don’t encourage her, you don’t uplift her, and you don’t compliment her. You’re mean, and off-putting. You don’t even want to spend time with her. You’d rather cancel your dates and spend time with your friends. You’re sorry.

You’re 30 years old, and telling you this is probably going in one ear and right out the other. It’s true about the saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” You are set in your ways. You refuse to budge and to get out of your own way in order to make progress. You don’t know anything about how to treat a woman, or how to make her feel special, wonderful, needed, desired, or loved. This relationship is not for you, and neither is this young woman. She deserves a man, someone who can love her, appreciate her, respect her, celebrate her, and lift her up. Not a man who is going to tear her down, negate her accomplishments, demean her as a woman, and try to tell her what to do because he feels he’s older and knows better. In the words of Beyonce, “Middle finger up, tell ’em boy, bye!” – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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