Dear Bossip: Even Though I Ended It, I Need Closure For Things He Said & Did To Me

Dear Bossip: Even Though I Ended It, I Need Closure For Things He Said & Did To Me

- By Bossip Staff

Anxious African American woman frowning

Dear Bossip,

I started dating a guy 5 years ago and I have finally decided to walk away.

The only issue I face is that I never got any answers or closure to some of the cruel and nasty things he did to me. He was also in a previous relationship with a girl he got pregnant. That relationship didn’t work out, and at that time he was always around me. I also aborted his child, which he wasn’t very happy about, and he always was cruel and called me a murderer and other names.

From time to time he has always told me that he wanted a child with me. I was never ready and I kind of played with his emotions telling him things like, “I was just sleeping with you, anyways, for the thrill of it.” On the exterior he acts like a bad ass thug, but deep down he’s an emotional teddy bear.

I’ve never pursued him. He always comes back and I never gave him any reasons to. I was involved in other relationships, just as much as he was, but he never really talks to me about how he feels. Yet, he speaks to my female family members telling them how he really wanted to work things out. He was never really at a stage where he settled down and established himself. That’s the reason I didn’t want to be with him. Am I wrong for testing and treating him the same way he treated his other exes. I’ve witnessed him beat his ex-baby mama, but he’s never laid his hands in me. What should I do? – Needing Closure

Dear Ms. Needing Closure,

So, what do you need closure for? I am confused. You treated this man horribly. Played with his feelings and emotions, and walked away from the relationship because he wasn’t on the level of your desires or need. Therefore, why do you need closure? You claim that you want closure for some of the cruel and nasty things he did to you, but what about the things you did to him? Are you going to provide closure to him? Are you going to let him know the reasons you treated him the way that you did?

I clearly do not understand what you want from him. Both of you were playing games with one another. He was in another relationship, and you even said that you were involved in other relationships. So, neither of you were serious about each other. But, let’s be real honest with another because I refuse to play your silly childish games. Are you telling me that you really did have feelings for him, but you were playing games with him because you wanted to get some type of rise out of him? You were hoping that he would respond to your games and actually give you what you wanted, which is a monogamous and serious relationship? You wanted to be his woman, his girl, and for him to wife you. There was something else you had in mind, and when you knew you were not going to get it, then you stooped to his level and began playing games, too. Therefore, because he didn’t take you serious, or he wasn’t giving you what you needed or desired, you played the same games. Honey, you are silly. Actually, both of you are just silly, and immature.

If you wanted something more from him then why not tell him? Why play the same games? You are an adult, so I don’t understand why you couldn’t communicate what you wanted from him, and was hoping to get in return. You sound just as ratchet as he does. You were not adult enough to express yourself, so you decided to play games. You decided to lower your standards, and cheapen yourself. Therefore, you got what you got from him. Nothing more and nothing less. Why would he invest in you if you wouldn’t even invest in yourself? If you don’t think you’re worthy, then why would he think you’re worthy? People can only treat you how you let them treat you.

What is truly sad is that you got pregnant by this man, the same man that you know physically abused his ex-baby momma. HUH!?!? What woman would continue a relationship with a man she knows is an abuser? And, you’re proud of the fact that though he abused her, he didn’t abuse you. SMDH! You witnessed him physically harm another woman, and yet you stayed with him. I swear d**kmatization is real in these streets. No matter what a man does, how he treats women, disrespects them, and plays with their emotions and feelings, so many women will continue to pursue this type of man thinking he won’t do the same thing to them because in your mind you think that you are different. I don’t know what to say to you. The fact that you remained in a relationship with him, got pregnant by him, and now you’re wondering why he called you the names he did, treated you the way that he did, and said mean and horrible things to you. Look here sweetie, although he didn’t physically abuse you, he did emotionally, mentally, and verbally abuse you. And, that is just the same as being physically abused. The scars will remain with you, and part of you. And, that is evident by your letter because here you are seeking advice on how to get him to give you closure for the things he said and did to you. Girl, you clearly are lost and confused.

How about you learn how to forgive yourself for being involved with this type of man and for allowing him to treat you the way that he did. How about you learn to get your own closure and stop seeking closure from an abuser, and from someone who probably doesn’t see what he did to you as abuse. Hell, if he can beat his baby momma with his fists and have no qualms about it, then clearly he will have no remorse for the malicious things he said to you, and how he treated you. Forgive yourself for allowing yourself to go through this. Forgive yourself for not walking away sooner. Learn the lesson in this of how to love yourself enough that you won’t choose men like him, and allow men to play with you and emotions. Grow up. Stop playing tit for tat. Stop acting like a teenager and being immature. If you want something, say something. If you are not clear about what a man’s intentions are, then ask him to make them clear. If you unsure about your relationship, your status, and your position, then get clarity. Don’t assume. Get answers. And, if the answer is not what you want to hear, or it is not what you thought, then walk away. If you don’t grow up, learn to love yourself, get some self-respect, and start acting like a grown woman who is not into games or being played, then you will continue this cycle of abuse, this cycle of self-destruction and this cycle of unfulfilled relationships. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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