Dear Bossip: He Won’t Take Care Of His Probation & I Won’t Be A Part Of His Mess

- By Bossip Staff

Black woman frustred with man 1

Dear Bossip,

I have been going through a lot for the past year and a half. I am 47 years old and have been divorced since 2005 (apart since 2002) from my husband of 11 years, whom I had 6 kids with.

From 2002-2014, I did not date at all. I was very busy dedicating my life to raising my kids, alone. But, in the fall of 2014, a fourth child left the home, making me feel freer than I had in my entire life. So, I decided to give online dating a shot, for the first time ever.

I met a couple guys for one date each, and I knew they weren’t for me. But, when I met “Derek” my current/ex boyfriend, it was different. First of all, he was very persistent, which I thought was true of a guy if they were really into you. I kept putting off meeting him, trying to get to know him thru texts and online first. Finally, after 3-4 weeks of messaging, we met at Tim Horton’s for coffee. After that, we met a couple weeks later and had sex. He told me I was HIS and he was MINE.

We spent a lot of time talking, watching TV, hanging out at my house, and he ended up slowly living off me, without me realizing what was going on at first. This started in 2014 around Christmas. He said he was on Christmas break from work. During our many conversations, he admitted to having a felony for child support here in Ohio, and also a felony from Tennessee for drug charges. He lived there from 2000-2013. He openly admitted that he USED to be a drug dealer, etc., but that he was working to straighten his life out. So, he said Ohio had extradited him from Tennessee in 2013 for the child support hearing, etc. That’s when he got placed on probation for it. He had also been given a sentence of probation in Tennessee from 2005-2013, but his probation had not ended when Ohio extradited him here. He never followed up with his probation in Tennessee because he says he assumed it was done when they extradited him here.

Well, in March 2015, we were out east and he gets pulled over and arrested. Why? Because of the unfinished 4-5 months probation he had in TN. I was DEVASTATED. I did not see this coming at all. While we were together, he told me he was looking to settle down and wanted someone his age or a little older (he’s 45 years old) and that he wanted to marry me. He took me around to all his family and excitedly introduced me to everyone. He looked at me wildly and said he was in love with me, etc.

I couldn’t believe it! I tried to guard my heart all along from falling for him, but the more I resisted, the harder I fell. During our relationship, I spent money on the groceries, and he talked me into buying a used car (for our FAMILY) for him to be able to use to travel to TN in to visit his daughters. He has 2 daughters there and 2 children here in OH.

In a nutshell, I supported him as best I could when he was in jail, and I proved to him that I would ride or die with him. He told me he would be responsible when he got out, but he hasn’t. While he was in jail, I set some boundaries for myself and the relationship because I don’t believe in supporting a man to that extent. He wasn’t happy with this. He was supposed to stay in Tennessee from December, when he got out, until his 4 months of probation were served. Instead, he leaves Tennessee and has been here in Ohio. He worked when he first got out, but since then he only does car work and lawn care miscellaneous jobs.

He was able to purchase a used car for $1,000 and is making it, somehow, while living with his cousin. I am scared because he did not, again, take care of the probation in Tennessee. I am not with him and haven’t been since January 2016. But, I still long to talk to him and to see him get this stuff resolved. But, he just gets angry. He says he will only talk to me and do stuff with me if I am in a sexual relationship with him.

I so love and miss him, but I don’t want to get caught up in his mess. Plus, I want and deserve a man to take care of me. I know he will probably respect me more for NOT taking care of him, even though he may not like it. It’s so hard to let go. I don’t know what to do. – His Unresolved Issues

Dear Ms. His Unresolved Issues,

If you don’t want to get caught up in his mess, then don’t. You haven’t been with or engaged with this man since January, so why are you concerned with whether or not he has adhered to his probation? He is irresponsible, lacks good judgment, and is not about his business. Sweetie, the man doesn’t even care about his own life, therefore, how do you think or expect him to care about you?

He doesn’t work. He is barely making ends meet by doing only menial work – working on cars and lawn care service. Hell, he probably can only buy a happy meal doing that. Therefore, why do you want to be with a man, or worried about a man who refuses to work and to take care of himself and his kids? By the way, it’s obvious he is not doing anything for his 4 children that he has by two different women. He is not paying child support. How is he traveling back and forth to Tennessee? Who’s sponsoring and funding his trips?

And, on that note, why are you sponsoring him? Why did you let him live with you and convince you to purchase a used car? He wants to lay up in your house, and have you take care of him, but he is not willing to do anything for you. And, when you express your concern about him taking care of his business, and staying on top of his probation, his response to you is that he doesn’t want to be bothered with you unless you’re in a sexual relationship. Girl, that pretty much sums up what he thinks of you. You’re nothing but some ass and someone to lay up with. He doesn’t see you as a partner, someone to invest in, someone to work hard with and for. He doesn’t see you as a future. You’re only someone to do, for now.

I also don’t buy that he thought his probation was over once he was extradited from Tennessee to Ohio. Girl, puhlease. One thing about men who have been in prison, to prison, and out of prison – they know about their probation, parole, and release date. They know when they have been paroled, have been taken off parole, and when their probation ends. They also know the stipulations of their parole, or probation. The courts let them know before they are released. That is something they don’t forget, or assume is over or taken care of. Thus, he knew he was still on probation with Tennessee, and he knew the stipulations of his probation. He chose to ignore it, and he chose to simply do him. Stay away from him. He is a liar and a con-man. Don’t fall victim to anymore of his cons.

Besides, he doesn’t bring anything to the table. He is not stable. He lives with a cousin. He can’t offer you anything, and he can’t do anything for you. He’s broke. He’s a bum. What do you see in him? I’m really curious to know what is it that he offers that the other men you met online were not able to offer. You said you started online dating and the other men were not up to par, or were not your type. So, what is it about this man that turned you on, made you swoon, and got you hot and bothered? He must have really put it down in the bedroom and made you forget everything. They say that broke d**k is the best d**k. LMBAO!

Sweetie, he is a drug dealer, who has a criminal past with felonies, and they are felonies that will prevent him from getting many types of jobs. He will not have a career, and I’m sure he is not interested in advancing himself to even want a career. He is not taking care of his children, therefore he is irresponsible, and a dead-beat father. He doesn’t have a job, and is not making any money to take care of him or his children. Therefore, he can’t take care of you, or contribute to your household. He doesn’t own anything – a home, car, credit cards, land, or property. So, he will be laid up in your house, using your things, driving your car, and spending your money. He is not a soul partner, or soul mate. He’s selfish, childish, immature, and wreck-less. Now, please re-read your letter, look at him, and look at his life and what he is doing with his life and ask yourself do you want to invest your time, your life, and your energy into someone like him. I’ll wait. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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