I’m a 38 year old woman that’s been in a committed relationship for 6 years, and we’ve known each other ever since we were 16 years old (we went to high school together).
We have a 4 year old daughter together and we’re planning to get married next year, but now I have a problem. I love my boyfriend unconditionally and I will do anything for him. We have the most wonderful relationship in the world (It’s almost perfect. We don’t argue. There’s never been any physical/verbal abuse and our sex life is wonderful etc.).
However, I have crossed the line and cheated on him! Neither one of us has ever cheated before (until now), and I feel so bad for what I’ve done! Me and the guy that I cheated on him with have the weirdest connection to each other. I have NEVER experienced something like this before. Every time he touches me my body tingles. Every time we look into each other’s eyes, or we hug or kiss, I become moist, (TMI). No matter what he says or does to me, I instantly get moist. There have been times when we will even send a text message at the same time. He was rubbing my neck one time and my throat sunk, and I was short of breathe. Then on another occasion we were hugging and my heart kept beating very fast. I keep asking him if he’s cast a spell on me or something (even though I don’t believe in that), but he has reassured me that he hasn’t done anything to me. The chemistry and energy level between the two of us is so high that it’s scary.
Do you think that we’re just lusting after each other or can there actually be something a lot deeper going on? Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you! – A Spell On Me
Dear Ms. A Spell On Me,
You preface your letter with how much you love your boyfriend unconditionally, and that you and he are getting married, and planning to live your life together as a committed married couple. You have a child together, and you have been with him for a number of years. There haven’t been any problems in your relationship until now. You have crossed the line and cheated. You are not faithful. You have broken the honesty and trust in your relationship, and it will always be with you.
And, based on the end of your letter I gather that you want to know if you should pursue a relationship with your new fling and end things with your boyfriend. Or, if you should forget your fling because that all it is, and work on your relationship with your boyfriend.
Well, I can’t tell you what to do. I can only tell you what you did, and how this forever alters your relationship, and how it will haunt you if you decide to remain with your boyfriend. Yes, if you decide to end things with your fling, and work on your relationship, then I am sure you are not going to tell your boyfriend what you did. I bet that you plan to recommit yourself to your boyfriend, not tell him what you have done, and hope for the best. You think that you can forget that any of this happened, and forget this amazing chemistry you have with this guy and that you can back to your life and everything will be normal again. SMDH! You have opened Pandora’s Box. There is no closing it. There is no un-forgetting what you have done, and what this man does to you and your body. You will yearn for it, desire it, want it, and need it. You will find yourself scrolling through your phone looking at his text messages, reminiscing over what was, and wondering what could have been. Then, you will call him to see how he’s doing, what he’s been up to, and how things are going with him. And, just like that you will end up back in his bed, and giving yourself to him.
Now, if you decide to tell your boyfriend, then, I can reassure you that either you won’t be getting married next year, and he will end your relationship. Or, he may forgive you but he won’t forget. However, I am going to go with the former – you won’t be getting married. If you decide to be honest and tell your boyfriend the truth about what you have done, then it will relieve you of having this hanging over your heard, and you can pursue a relationship with the other guy. But, who knows if the other guy wants a relationship with you. You’re interested in pursuing something with someone based on what? Has he expressed he feels the same chemistry with you? Has he shared how you make him feel, and what you do to him?
Look, we all know you are not going to confess to your boyfriend and tell him what you did. You are not going to risk ending it and losing your relationship after you feel that you have invested all this time and energy into him. You are not giving up the potentiality of marriage and having a family. This is what you wanted all along. This is what you’ve been longing for. And, in actuality what you are asking me is how can you have both. You want to know how can you keep your fiancé, your future husband, and have a boyfriend on the side because your fiancé doesn’t make you feel the way your fling does. That’s what you want. You want your fiancé to do what your fling does to you. But, he doesn’t. He doesn’t move you, get you moist and wet, say sweet things that make you swoon and yearn for him. So, instead of being open and honest about what you are not getting at home, you decided to seek it from someone else. You chose to be deceptive and selfish. You’ve been with your fiancé since you were teens, and yet you still can’t be honest with him and have an authentic conversation or communicate with him what you need from him, and how to make you happy. Therefore, if you can’t communicate to him at this stage, even right before you get married, then what do you think is going to change once you get married? You won’t change. Marriage won’t fix this or you. If you move forward just know that he will not make you swoon, head over heels, or wet all the time. He won’t make your heart skip a beat and your voice sink. That is only in the movies. Marriage and relationships take work, lots of hard work. And, you have to be committed to it and your partner every day. If you can’t get with this and it doesn’t do anything for you, then end it, and go seek fun. Seek the good time and every day passion and lust you want. It’s a myth. It doesn’t exist every day, and one person won’t be able to give you all of this. Now, you either be honest with your fiancé, and you start off lying, which I’m sure you both have been lying to each other for some time now. This is isn’t the first instance of a failure to communicate. So, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t and can’t condone your behavior. Choose one. Your fiancé or your fling. And, I believe you should be honest with your fiancé and tell him the truth. Why enter into a marriage based on lies, and mistrust? Why commit to someone when you can’t even commit to yourself? Sorry, but I don’t believe you should be dishonest and misleading. Be a big girl and deal with this head on, just like you had the gall and audacity to cheat, then have the gall and audacity to be honest. – Terrance Dean
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