Dear Bossip: My Husband Has A Business With His Sister, But I Feel Used By Them

Dear Bossip,

I have a serious problem with the way things are in my marriage. I’m a working wife and a mother of 4. We’ve been married for 15 years.

I am totally unhappy in my marriage due to my husband’s decisions. He never was a person who would take my advice whatsoever. Instead, he would do whatever he thinks is right, but in the end I’m the one who suffered the consequences of his decisions.

We currently do not have a place of our own. We are renting a 2 bedroom house with 4 kids. He’s not employed, but he has a business with his sister. His sister is the one who controls everything in this business while he, on the other hand, manages the projects ensuring that petrol is available for operations. His sister’s contribution to the business is just money for petrol, sometimes, but nothing else. However, my husband asks me for petrol money almost every day and I use my kids’ money for food in most cases. I most of the time buy food.

When they get paid, his sister deposits some amount into his account and she’s the one who pays the salaries to their employees, and so on. My problem is that their business is on and off. There are times when they make more money, and then there are times when it’s quiet. The money that he contributes to the house is not enough because he would pay some of the things and others will be outstanding, things like the kid’s school fees.

I have put up with him for over 5 months without contributing. I am paying everything alone hoping that whenever he becomes right financially that he would bail me out. Instead, his sister is giving him little money and from my point of view it’s difficult to understand since I don’t know as to how much they made. I love him, but I really think that he and his sister are using my resources for their gain and by that I also feel used. I told him about how I feel regarding their arrangement, but he doesn’t wanna listen to my viewpoint. What can I do? – Need Him To Contribute

Dear Ms. Need Him To Contribute,

Persistent money problems in a marriage will eventually lead to divorce. It is one of the main reasons people fight, argue, and end their marriage. It also affects your sex life, your living situation, your mobility, and what you can do, when you can do it, and how you can do it. Money issues in a marriage is a disaster. And, you’re in a tsunami.

Ma’am, you are giving out more money than you are bringing in, and you have no help or support from your spouse. Well, the support he is giving is minimal and sporadic. Thus, right now, it is totally why are renting instead of owning your home. (Again, you are giving away money instead of investing into your family).You’re taking money from your children to help your husband’s fledgling business. You are the sole bread winner, and you are taking care of an entire household. Therefore, you have a right to be upset, angry, and frustrated. You’re living and renting a two-bedroom house with four children. You don’t even know how much your husband makes in this so-called business with his sister.

You also need to address the issue of feeling used by your husband and his sister, especially your allegations against his sister. I say follow your instincts, but you need to be mindful of how you address this with your husband. She is his sister, and they are family. So, accusing her is accusing him – that is how he will interpret it. But, I want you to notice a similarity between you and his sister. Your husband is reliant upon his sister in the business. She handles the money, pays the bills, and takes care of the business. He is responsible for the operations. Your marriage is very similar to his business. You manage and handle the money, pay the bills, and take care of the household. You and his sister take care of your husband. He has two women taking care of him, yet, what does he do? (Let that marinate)

It’s time you had a serious conversation with your husband about his plans and goals for you, and your family. What is the future of your family? What does he hope or envision for you and his children? Does he expect for you to continue renting a home instead of working and saving and buying a house? Does he expect for you to be patient and wait for things to turn around and he is financially secure? Does he expect for you to continue giving him money for his business, while taking money from the mouths of his children? You should come first, and if he is struggling to maintain the household, then his priorities are in the wrong place. He should not have his family in dire need, or wanting for anything. He should want to make sure that you and his children are happy, well-fed, taken care of, and no outstanding bills.

Again, sit down with him, and have a conversation about money, and what it is doing to you and your family. Be honest, and tell him what you feel and what your expectations are from him as a husband. Hell, you may even want to consider visiting and talking with a financial advisor. They can give you some real numbers and real facts about your financial situation, and how destitute you are. They will put your entire marriage and relationship into perspective around money. Think about it – Do you even have a bank account? What about a checking and savings account? How much money are you saving? How much money do you have in case of an emergency? What happens if you or your husband becomes injured and can’t work, then what happens to your family, especially your children? Do you have any financial plans for the future of your children, a college fund, or a savings for them? I mean, if you really look at your situation you will see the reality of your finances, and the future of your marriage.

And, marriage is also a partnership. Your husband should consider you as part of his plans and his goals, especially if he decides to open and run a business. You and he should have sat down and discussed this in detail about what your plans were, and who was going to take care of the household while he waited for the business to eventually begin to earn money. In marriage, it is a sacrifice, especially when one partner decides to venture off and do something that will affect the home and the finances. Did you and your husband discuss this? What was your back-up plan while he pursued this business venture? Did you agree, and were you on board with being the sole provider?

You also may want to seek a marriage counselor, or talk with the pastor of your church about your marriage. Yes, you do have a problem in your marriage, and it extends from your money issues. Once you address the money issue, which is the primary cause of all the other things in your marriage, then you can be honest with yourselves about if your marriage is really working and worth saving.

But, in the meantime, your husband needs to get a job because the business with his sister is not bringing in any real support to the family. Or, he may need to consider getting a part-time job, something that pays weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly, and has benefits including insurance to at least cover your children. You should not be struggling if you don’t have to. It’s time to sit down and get real about your finances, and your marriage. Otherwise, you will be ending this marriage very soon if it is not resolved. – Terrance Dean

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