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Dear Bossip,

My husband and I have been together since we were in high school, and we have two children together.

Being that we got together so young, our relationship has had its share of ups and downs. We have a very long history, but I’ll try to keep things brief. Prior to us getting married, my husband cheated on me with numerous women, but I chalked it up to us being young and needing to grow. My main concern was just keeping our family together.

After a while, I just grew tired of him and I told him I wanted to see other people. I eventually began to see someone else, but I didn’t tell my husband about the relationship because I didn’t think it was any of his business. I developed feelings for the other guy, but the relationship was more sexual than anything. I eventually grew tired of him too, but over the course of that relationship I got pregnant twice and had two abortions.

After some time, my husband and I reconnected, but he found out about my relationship with the other guy. I never told him the true extent of that relationship, but he was really upset about it. We eventually got married and our relationship was better than ever. However, I recently found out he was having an affair. I was devastated.  Although I made plenty mistakes before we got married, I respected him and our marriage to the fullest. He said he regrets it and is ready to give our marriage a real shot and is willing to fight for his family. My husband isn’t perfect and neither am I, but we really love each other. I’m just really hurt by his betrayal.

Now, here’s my question… Should I give him another chance and try to work on our marriage knowing the things that I’ve done in the past? Especially given the fact that if he knew about what really happened between me and the other guy I’m sure we never would’ve gotten married in the first place. Or, is time for a new start? – Next Step For Marriage

Dear Ms. Next Step For Marriage,

Your husband is not going to change. He is who he is. He keeps showing you who he is, yet, you remain in denial hoping he will become the man you want him to be. That is not going to happen. He is a cheater. He is not interested in being faithful or monogamous. He does not want to be married. He wants to sleep around, and not be committed to anyone. He can’t commit. Hell, he can’t even commit to himself, thus, how do you expect for him to commit to you, or your marriage?

I don’t understand why you got back into a relationship with him knowing that he is a cheater. You were with him since high school and he constantly cheated on you. Yet, you remained with him, and decided to have two children with him. Was it an attempt to keep him, to hold on to him, or to make him become more faithful to you? However, when you had enough of him cheating you ended the relationship. And, that should have been the end of it. That was the perfect time for you to work on yourself, and to get your life in order. Yet, instead, you got into another relationship, and ended that because you said you “grew tired” of him. WOW! He was a bore to you, nothing exciting, and he didn’t tease your fancy, so you got rid of him. Hmmm, was it because you were accustomed to being cheated on, having drama in your life, arguing with a man, and trying to convince a man you were the perfect woman, so you ran back to your ex. You went back to what was familiar. SMDH!

But, this is the sad part – when you got back with your ex, you decided that you would not tell him all the details about your previous relationship, and that you had two abortions. Instead, you decided to withhold some very key and vital information because you felt if you told the truth then your ex would think differently of you, and he wouldn’t marry you. So, you manipulated him. You deceived him. And, you were dishonest. Therefore, why are you mad and upset that he is still cheating even into your marriage? Why are you shocked that he was having an affair? You knew he was a cheater. Thus, as a cheater he is dishonest, a liar, manipulative, and deceptive, just like you. So, you both belong together. You both are liars. You both are dishonest, and you both are deceptive. He is a mirror reflection of you, and you are a mirror reflection of him. Like attracts like.

What I really don’t understand is why you didn’t tell him about your previous relationship, and that you had two abortions. This is critical information and details about your life and relationship. It also changes your body, and I am sure there is some emotional and mental aspects that you deal with when you have an abortion. So, please tell me what was the purpose of not disclosing this information? You and he were not together, so it was not as if you were cheating on him. By not telling him it makes it seem as if you are hiding something. There is something you don’t want him to know, and when you have dirt, skeletons, or secrets then it will make your relationship full of deceit, lies, and hiding other secrets. Thus, why he continues to cheat on you.

The only advice I can give you is that you and your husband will never be faithful or committed to one another because you are not faithful and committed to yourselves. You can’t be honest with yourselves, so, how can you be honest with someone else. You and your husband have too many secrets, too many lies, and too much dirt. You both are deceptive and manipulative. And, the only outcome will be that you two will continue to lie, cheat, and deceive each other, and you are going to expect him to be an upstanding, honest, and monogamous man when you can’t even be honest and upfront with him. You can’t expect someone to be something that you are not. And, finally, your husband is never going to change. He is not going to be faithful to you, or recommit himself to your marriage, or give your marriage a real shot, nor fight for his family. HE CAN’T! And, like you said, you are committed to this drama, this mess, and this relationship because you can’t help yourself. He is all you know, and if this is all you know, then it is your normal. You can’t fix what you won’t acknowledge. – Terrance Dean

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