Dear Bossip: I Left Because Of The Abuse & He Wants Closure & I Think I Owe It To Him

Dear Bossip,

So, a month ago I initiated no contact with my boyfriend (now ex) of three years.

The reason for no contact is because he physically beat me up. That was the last time I was in his company or spoke to him. The relationship was verbally abusive for a long time, and I often didn’t question the verbal abuse because I was led to believe, by him, that I was overly sensitive. I also turned a blind eye to it because I, thinking I was in love, was actually only in love with the thought of what this man could be.

The last voicemail he left me, a few days ago, stated that he wanted closure from me. He wanted closure for why I ended the relationship and will not talk to him. I feel as though I owe this man absolutely nothing. I feel I owe myself silence and peace to heal my head and my heart. However, I feel as though I’m being a bit selfish. I feel for this to be done that I do owe him some form of an explanation as to why I wish to never be around him ever again!

My question is am I being selfish? Do I owe this man closure? How about me, when do I get the closure and answers as to why he treated me the way he did?

– I Need Closure Too

Dear Ms. I Need Closure Too,

Ma’am, you don’t owe him anything. You walked away and ended a torrid and tumultuous relationship because he was verbally and physically abusive to you. This has led to emotional abuse and it is this emotional pain that you are working to move on from and heal your heart and head. His abuse toward you still lingers, and I highly recommend getting into therapy. Find a counselor or therapist who can help you deal with the long term affects this will have as you move forward. And, find someone who specializes in domestic abuse.

I can’t believe that he has the nerve to ask you for closure and he wants to know the reason why you ended the relationship and won’t speak to him. If he has no clue as to why you ended it, then it is not your job to tell him. He can’t be that oblivious as to what he has done to you. And, actually, as you stated, when you were together and he was verbally abusive to you he made you believe that you were being overly sensitive. He made you believe that it was your fault. And, you turned a blind eye to it because you believed him to be right, and you thought you were in love. So, he made you believe the lie, the abuse, and that it was all in your head and you went along with it for 3 years. You endured this torture, this hell, and this abuse for 3 years, and now he wants closure. Give me a freaking break. Girl, delete his number, and erase him from your life. Keep him away and don’t even respond.

And, it’s sad that you feel that you are being selfish, and you owe him some explanation as to why you don’t want to be around him. Ma’am, if you can’t see that you are still doing the very thing you did while you were in the relationship with him, then you don’t know that you are in desperate need of therapy, and that you are still experiencing his abuse. You have not healed. You need more time and more distance before you can have this conversation with him, and even then I don’t recommend reconnecting with him. See, you are taking the blame, and you are allowing him to manipulate you. You’re still emotionally tied to him because you feel that you owe him an explanation, and the fact that you feel bad for him leads me to believe that you are still emotionally tied t him. You feel that you owe him something for what he did to you. And, you think you’re being selfish for not telling him why you don’t want to be around him. Stop! Please stop! You don’t owe him anything. Your commitment is to yourself. Don’t allow him to manipulate you into giving him answers to something he should know. He knows what he did to you. He knows how he treated you. And, when you go to explain yourself, and you start giving him the reasons why you walked away, he will once again turn it on you and tell you that you are being sensitive. You are being childish and silly. He will tell you that you are wrong, and that he never did those things that you are saying he did to you. He will make you think it is part of your imagination, or that you are exaggerating the truth. Delete his message, his phone number, and block him from contacting you.

You have a lot of healing and work to do on yourself. You have to undo 3 years of an abusive relationship, and it is not going to happen overnight. Right now you are still emotionally tied to him. He is part of your mental, and is taking up space in your head and heart. Take the steps to completely remove him from your life. And, it means deleting his numbers and blocking him. It means not responding to him when he reaches out to you. It means not allowing yourself to feel guilty, or feeling you owe him something for how he treated you. And, you must do self-care and take care of you – mentally, emotionally, and physically. Get into therapy. Find someone whom you can trust and work through the undoing of the pain and abuse you have endured. I hope you can heal and move on because before you can respond to him now, I am afraid that he will manipulate you back into being in a relationship with him, or, he will lead you to believe that the abuse never happened, and it he only did what he did because you made him do it. Get help, please. – Terrance Dean

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