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Black man distressed

Dear Bossip,

I met my girl about a year ago when we both worked at the same place. We started off casually by texting and it eventually turned into a relationship. It was like a whirlwind.

We couldn’t stay away from each other and everything was great. During our time we dated I was fired from my job that I had been at over ten years. I was fired partly due to my relationship with her. I never blamed her for the decisions I made to put myself in a position to be let go, but I needed her to understand that I had lost the only job I’ve ever worked. I went into kind of a funk because I have family that depended on me and I felt I let them down. Mind you I’m also in college as well. She’s also a student, but I always felt she wasn’t as serious as I was about my future. We always talked about getting married and having a family and living life happily.

Eventually she got fired and she decided to move out of her apartment the day before I had two big exams. I offered to pay for a moving company and she declined. I offered to ask a couple of people I know to move all the heavy stuff for her, but she declined. So, she borrows a truck from a guy we both worked with and moved her stuff on her own. A couple days later she’s not answering the phone, so I go to her school and she blasts me for not helping her. Was I wrong for choosing my future over something that could’ve been done after my exams? In hindsight, I feel I should’ve been there, but I needed to pass both of the exams I had scheduled.

So, she breaks it off and we stopped talking for a little over a month. During the time we weren’t talking she starts talking to the guy whose truck she borrowed and claimed it was innocent. My mind is like why would you start a text/talk relationship with someone that we both worked with? I felt it was messed up so I started texting my ex. I mean hell, if she can move on and text someone other than me I should be able to do the same thing. I’m not sure the capacity of their relationship.

My ex lives in the same town as me and I haven’t seen or slept with her in over a year. The conversation just felt good to talk to someone who doesn’t spaz out and throw things in your face, or, rather say things out of anger and damage the relationship. We eventually got back together after a heated discussion about how things went on before. It felt great to be back in her life romantically. Then, the storm came.

While at my house my ex called a couple times and I answered because I didn’t want it to seem like I had anything to hide. My girl leaves my house and calls later asking me all these questions about my relationship with my ex. I’m like just 4 days ago your “texting buddy” texted your phone twice at five in the morning, but you’re giving me hell about someone calling me! So, she sent me this long drawn out text about me wanting my cake and eating it too. I let her have a day to calm down and called her the next day. Needless to say, I called the next day and she changed her number. I sent flowers, cards, and made CDs and stuck them on her car during late nights. She texts me from an unknown number and tells me she doesn’t need gifts and CDs because she doesn’t believe anything I say.

Am I wrong for doing the same thing she was doing? I love this woman with all my heart and she knows that. Should I continue to give her space and fight for the relationship or should I let it go all together? Help! – Get Her Back

Dear Mr. Get Her Back,

You dated two different women at two different times, and in both of these relationships has it dawned on you that these women had other men in their lives besides you? Sir, please do not tell me that you are that gullible that you did not know that you were a side dude for these women. SMDH!

Your ex-girlfriend from your previous job that you dated for about a year was dating you and the dude who had the truck at the same time. Yes, she played you. And, you didn’t even know you were being played. How is it that when she decides to move and you offer to get her a moving company, she declines, and when you offer to get other people to help, she also declines, yet, she gets another guy from your job who has a truck to help her move? Sigh! Dude was always there in the pocket, and you sitting up there offering to pay for her moving expenses. Then, she tells you that it just so happened innocently that she started dating the guy with the truck. Hahahahahahaha! Really, it just happened by chance? Yeah, I don’t believe that. She sure knew who to call when she needed someone to help her move, and it wasn’t you. She called on her other man, the dude with the truck, and he came to the rescue. You’re not helping her to move was her exit strategy from you, and your relationship. She wanted a way to dump you and this served as the perfect opportunity.

Look, you had two big exams, and she knew you had to take them. It was no surprise. Therefore, she could have scheduled her move around your exams. It would not have made a big difference for her to wait until you finished your exams and then you helped her move. Basically, she didn’t want you to help her. Why would she decline your offer to pay for a moving company or getting other people to help her move? No money was coming out of her pockets. But, it’s because she wanted her other man to be there for her. She wanted her man to help her to move. And, this move was a good way for her to make a clean break from you.

By the way, and side note: You lost your job, partly, as you say, because you were dating her, a woman from your job. After ten years of service, and work, and commitment to your very first job you were fired. Folks, this is exactly why I stress over and over again why you don’t date or get involved with co-workers, and people you work with. It never ends well. All those years of work and dedication, and it was your first job, yet, it was lost and your service wasted because of your relationship with a co-worker. They had no problem letting you go. SMDH! I hope you learned a lesson from that.

And, now you’re asking me what to do with your new girlfriend, who is really an old girlfriend that you got back with, and she recently dumped you but you want her back. This is too damn much. You went running back to an ex from your past because your other girlfriend broke up with you. Do you see the games and bull-ish you are doing and creating in your life. Why would you go running back to an ex from your past? The past is the past for a reason. Your relationship ended because it didn’t work. So, why did you run back to her? Now, she’s mad because your ex-girlfriend called, yet, she has a text buddy texting her at five in the morning. And, you haven’t checked her, or did anything about her text buddy? You let that slide and you never confronted her about another man texting her early in the morning, and him being her text buddy? Sir, you deserve what you are getting.

Why would you answer your phone while you are laid up with your new girlfriend? And, why would you talk on the phone with an ex-girlfriend while you are with your new girlfriend. Sir, rule number one is that no matter what you don’t answer your phone while you’re with your new girlfriend, and you especially don’t answer and talk on the phone with an ex while you are with your girlfriend. You should have deleted her number, blocked her, and let her go once the relationship ended and she had moved on with another man. But, you didn’t because you still want her back. You still want linger in her life allowing her access into your. Why is she calling you in the first place? What do you need to discuss with her and talk about? She ended it and has moved on with a new man. So, why is she calling you? Boy, please stop!

Now, you’re putting letters, cards, and CDs on your new girlfriend’s car trying to get her back talking about you love her. I don’t blame her for leaving you and changing her number. She is done with you, and it’s obvious she doesn’t want to be bothered. So, why are you running behind her and hoping to get her back. How can you claim you love her? How can you love her when you just got out of another relationship, and she is basically your rebound chick because you don’t want to be alone? What is really going on is that you are lonely and miserable. You don’t want your ex to think you can’t move on because she obviously has moved on rather quickly into another relationship. So, you jumped and ran back to your ex, but what you really needed to do was to spend some quality time alone, and lick your wounds and learn from that relationship. You were supposed to learn from what happened so that you don’t make the same mistake again. But, you didn’t. You have brought your ex-ex-girlfriend back into your drama hoping that going back to something familiar would be the healing trick for you. WRONG!

I want you to notice something – Both women dumped you because to them you were not available. Your ex from your job dumped you because you were not available to help her move. Your schooling was a priority to you, and for her she wanted to be a priority.  You even stated that both of you are in school, but she didn’t take her studies as serious as you. So, your priorities and what is important to you made her feel less important. Then, your ex-girlfriend you reconnected with didn’t feel like you made her a priority. You are answering your phone and talking with your ex while you’re with your new girl. No woman wants to hear her man talking to another woman on the phone especially in her presence. Come on dude! So, therefore sir, you are emotionally and mentally unavailable, and if you can’t see that, then there is nothing I can tell you.

Sir, you are nothing to these women. You mean nothing to them. They used you for whatever reason they had. And, it’s obvious they had other men while they were with you, but you were too blind or too naïve to see that you were a side dude for them. Why don’t you take this time to learn from these relationships, and stop rushing to jump into something? How about focusing on your school and new job, and working on yourself? How about knowing that if a woman is text buddies with a dude that nine times out of ten they are probably in a relationship or sex buddies. And, if a woman has other male friends who are eager to do things for her, buy her things, and give her things, well, sir, you may be part of her rotation of men, and she is using you just like she is using the other men. Let both of your exes go. They don’t want to be bothered, and you shouldn’t either. Block their numbers, delete them out of your phone, and begin to work on loving and building yourself into a better, stronger, and smarter man. – Terrance Dean

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