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Dear Bossip,

About 5 months ago I had a one night stand with one of my co-workers of four years.

That night was something special for me because I secretly felt something for him since the day I started working for the company. We (the co-workers) all got drunk and he started flirting with me that night. I didn’t think twice about being with him that night, even though I had a boyfriend at that time. I sort of felt guilty afterwards because he is married and I am friends with his wife. She was always nice to me and they have a one year old daughter together.

After that night, he was nice to me but somewhat distant. Two months went by and I found out I was pregnant. I told him and it came to him like a shock. First thing he said is that I should consider abortion because he can’t be there for me due to his work schedule. I talked to my family about it and they disagreed on terminating my pregnancy. They said they would help me out even though they are not financially stable. I told him that I would still continue my pregnancy and that he would need to provide for me. He said that he will help me out but that I will have to keep quiet about the situation.

As the days went by he would come by the office and we would chat for a while. Then, there was this night that I asked him to take me out to eat. A month went by and I asked if he can come to the sonogram and he agreed. During these times he has never approached me sexually or tried to touch me, but I had my hopes that he would come through. I then told my boyfriend that I couldn’t be with him because I was pregnant with someone else’s child. He tried to convince me to stay and that he would take care of the baby, but I felt bad for doing that to him. I told this to my baby’s father and all of a sudden he got upset. He said that I shouldn’t be selfish and that I should give my boyfriend an opportunity to be a full-time husband and a paternal figure to my baby.

We argued and he confessed that he was secretly wishing that night had never happened. He said that he never planned on leaving his wife and child and that he regrets everything. He also said that everything he has ever done was because he felt blackmailed and afraid that I would tell his wife. I became extremely upset and that night I drove to my cousin’s house. We decided to message his wife and tell her everything. I told her that her husband kept looking for me and that he has been lying for years. I didn’t feel bad telling her this because deep down inside me I wanted her to leave him.

The next day he didn’t show up for work and apparently I learned that he asked for a schedule change (so we are working different hours). I tried calling him but he won’t answer his phone. This has been two weeks now and I feel terribly lonely. One of my co-workers today told me that next week is his final week and he is quitting the job. My question is should I go after him? I was hoping his anger would diminish and he would call me, but I haven’t heard anything from him since that day with his wife. I don’t want to go through a second pregnancy alone again and I am really hoping that he would come around. Should I just continue to wait for him to call or should I go see him before he leaves the job? – Hoping He Doesn’t Leave Me

Dear Ms. Hoping He Doesn’t Leave Me,

Uhm, ma’am, how are you going to go after someone who doesn’t want to be followed, or chased? How are you going to make someone be a part of your life who doesn’t want to be there, or involved? You are expecting this man to drop his life, his marriage, and his family to be with you? Are you serious? You haven’t heard from him ever since you confronted and told his wife about you and he, and you are expecting him to come running to you with open arms? Ma’am, something is seriously wrong with you.

No! Don’t go after him. No! Don’t wait for him to call because he isn’t. No! Don’t go see him before he leaves the job. He obviously doesn’t want anything to do with you, or to see you because he changed his work schedule, and he is quitting his job and didn’t tell you. Therefore, he is avoiding you. He is and has gotten rid of you. Running after him is not going to change anything. He is gone, been gone, and is going to stay gone.

I truly feel that this was a set-up  by you from the very beginning. I feel that you had plotted and planned all of this. You even admit that you were vying for him, and secretly wanting him since the day you started working for the company. Therefore, you were waiting your moment and opportunity. And, it happened when you and some co-workers were out drinking and he flirted, and you knew that was your moment. What’s sad is that both of you were wrong, as he is married, and you were in a relationship. You’re both disgusting, and trifling.

And, of course, lo and behold, you become pregnant after this one-night stand, and you want him to leave his wife and life to be with you. Instead of being rational and thinking clearly about the situation, you made this all about what you want – and deep down inside you want him. You kept this baby as a pawn to keep this man in your life. You are using the baby as a way to manipulate and maneuver yourself as his woman. Welp, that didn’t work, and it won’t work.

What’s sad is that you cheated on your boyfriend, and despite you being pregnant with another man’s child he was willing to stick by your side and care for the child. He was willing to step in and be part of the child’s life. You dumped him, and told him that you didn’t want to be with him because you felt bad for what you did. Ma’am, you didn’t feel bad for what you did. If you felt bad then you wouldn’t have cheated in the beginning. You don’t feel bad because why would you end a relationship with a good man who is willing to be there for you and your child, a man who is willing to step in as a parental figure? Your goal and aim was to be with your co-worker, and to get him to leave his wife to be with you. That is what you wanted and what you are after.

Then, on top of this, you claim that you and his wife are friends, and that she was and has always been nice to you. Therefore, you betrayed her, and you betrayed your friendship with his wife. You were smiling in her face while plotting on ways to sleep with her husband. You were only being nice and friendly with her because you wanted her to think you two were close and that she could trust you around her husband. SMDH! You are vicious and devious. You are conniving, and spiteful.

The only thing you can do now is to put him on child support. He doesn’t want to be a part of your and his child’s life. Girl, he told you that he never planned on leaving his wife and child and that he regrets everything. He also told you that everything he ever did was because he felt blackmailed and that he was afraid you would tell his wife. He was never into you, never cared about you, never loved you, and, hell, he didn’t even like you. The both of you were drunk, and horny and he took advantage of the situation and moment, just like you did. You can’t make him, force him, or beg him to be with you, want you, or to do something he doesn’t want to do. HE DOESN’T WANT YOU! What is truly sad is that you said this is your second pregnancy that you are experiencing alone. This will be another child you have and no man is involved. Ma’am, why do these men keep walking out of your life, and what is going on that you are choosing men who are not available? Why would you sleep with a married man and expect for him to leave his wife for you? Why are you sleeping with co-workers? Why would you allow the influence of alcohol, or use alcohol as an excuse to do what you did? You are a grown woman acting like a child. You are not responsible, or have any control. You are out of control. You have unrealistic ideas of relationships, and of men. You choose men who are not available. You don’t think things through clearly, therefore, you lack rational thinking skills. You are petty and childish because you would text his wife, the woman you claim is your friend, and tell her what you did because he won’t give you what you want. Please grow up. Please get into some therapy, and counseling. Please learn how to make adult choices and decisions. Think about your children and how this will affect them as they grow older. You have a lot of growing and maturing to do. And, I hope this doesn’t become a cycle that you continue in the future, and also pass along to your children. – Terrance Dean

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