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Dear Bossip,

Two years ago I had this one-time thing with a married man.

I really didn’t care at the moment because there was nothing serious going around and I knew we weren’t going to be together anyway. I then found out I got pregnant and mentioned it to him. Even though he didn’t want me to keep it, he then added that if I decided to have it he will help me out. I felt a bit disappointed that I had to go through my pregnancy alone, due to the fact that his wife found out and they moved outside the city.

I didn’t see him again until after I had my child and filed for child support. It’s been a year now and he rarely sees my son. The payments are always there, but there is always an excuse of why he cannot see him. Just recently he came by to pick up my son to take him to his house for the afternoon. I got curious and followed him without him knowing. I was literally in tears when I had to follow him to a whole other neighborhood and see him take my child to the park.

We got into a heated discussion and he confessed that no one in his family knows about my son’s existence, except for his wife. He said that he doesn’t want to have to explain to his other children and he doesn’t want to be seen by his neighbors or anyone else because they will start to question him. I felt disgusted and now I am thinking whether to get my son away from this man or try to work things out. I don’t want my son growing up without a father, but I also don’t want my son to feel like his father is ashamed for having him around. I feel outraged that he doesn’t acknowledge my son in public or social media like how he does with his other kids. – Desperate Mom

Dear Ms. Desperate Mom,

Ma’am you slept with a married man, a man that you claim you didn’t care about. You were so casual with him, and so dismissive about having sex with him, that you even stated that you didn’t really care because you knew you weren’t going to be together. You were so unbothered and flippant about it that you allowed yourself to have unprotected sex with this man. Now, think about that, and let it sink it for a moment. Then, you discover you’re pregnant, and mention it to him, but, I’m not sure if you were looking for compassion, love, and support, but instead you got the same type of attitude from him that you yourself had from the beginning – dismissive and flippant. So, I am not sure why you’re upset that he treats you and his child he helped to create with the same type of dismissive and flippant attitude you had from the beginning.

You and he do not have any type of relationship, no connection, and nothing in common other than a child. There was no love between you so how can you think he could love someone else, even his own child, though he helped to create this child? He can’t connect with his own child because he is as dismissive and unemotionally attached as you were when you had sex with him. You and this man had not foundation. There was nothing to build on, to grow with, and to stand on. You are two strangers who have a child together.

So, ask yourself, what do you really want? What is it that you desire for your child? You are saying you want this stranger, this man you had a one-time casual sexual encounter with to step up and be a dad, a father, and to incorporate this child into his own family. To be honest, I don’t think he will ever do this, or even make an attempt to do so. He feels that he is doing the best as he should which is paying child support, and coming by to take him to the park, or to do other activities, and he sees this as a interaction and being a dad to a child he doesn’t want. He is not attached or connected with his own child because he is not connected emotionally and mentally with you, or himself. It’s truly sad because he may as well not be involved at all. A child can sense when a parent doesn’t show any emotion or connection with them. A child can sense being loved, cared for, and adored. And, as your child grows older he will become resentful of his dad. Your child will not want to go with his dad, or be around him because he will know that his dad, his father doesn’t want to be bothered, and doesn’t want to be with him. Or, your child will do everything to try to win over the affection and love of his dad that truly doesn’t want anything to do with him. And, your child will question and inquire about why. Why doesn’t his father act like he loves him? Why doesn’t his father introduce him to his other kids, or he never takes him to meet them and his father’s family?

You have to decide what is more important to you – having your child’s father in his life who really doesn’t want to be there, and doesn’t want to be bothered. And, as such, he may as well be an absent or deadbeat dad. Or, you decide to not have him involved in your child’s life at all. He doesn’t need to come around, call, or have any physical contact with your child. All you get is a child support check each month. Either way, your child is going to have questions about his dad. You’re going to have answer these questions, so, which of the two is the lesser of two evils? Do you want to explain about a father who is present but is loveless, emotional-less, and mentally not there. Or, a father who is out of the picture completely?

It’s sad that he doesn’t want to be involved, or connected with his own child. It’s sad that he is refusing to incorporate his own child into his family, and introduce him to his extended family and other brothers and sisters. This child could have a full loving and healthy world filled with so much love from so many people, but your child’s father is too ashamed and so caught up in his own appearances, and ego, that he is denying the child he helped to create. He is embarrassed by what he will have to explain to his children, his parents, and friends. He is too concerned about what others will think of him by cheating on his wife, and the pain and embarrassment he caused her. But, he wasn’t thinking about all that when he laid with you and had unprotected sex. He wasn’t concerned or thinking about anyone but himself. So, don’t be alarmed that he cannot and does not want to be involved in his own child’s life. Don’t be shocked by his behavior. You just make a choice of what you need to do it, and you do it for the sake of your child and what you feel is best for your child. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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