I find myself in need of your advice. I would go with my intuition, but it has steered me wrong in the past.
I am in my first real relationship. I am 22 years old and he is 33 years old. We have been together for 9 months now. I just don’t know what to make of his actions sometimes. He roommates with his sister and I live alone. I ask him to spend the night and he refuses. His excuse is that he has to keep his sister’s kids while she works at night. I can understand that because I’m all for helping family, but every night? So, I offer to come over to his sister’s house, and he always has an excuse as to why I can’t come over. It’s usually her kids are very loud or he doesn’t want me to make the 30 minute commute, which I told him I don’t mind doing.
Then, there are some times on the weekends when he is not available at all. One weekend, he went out of town for a family function. I called to make sure he had arrived okay and to make sure his trip was going well. He didn’t respond to my calls or text messages that whole weekend. When he returned, I asked him why he didn’t respond to any of my calls or text messages. I told him that I was very worried about him because that was out of the usual for him. He said he had to do the driving for the trip, and that his mother is paranoid about him talking on the phone while driving her around. I found it kind of strange, but my mom clutches the door rest while I’m driving her so I guess I can understand why his mom is that way.
It just keeps being these little things that make me wonder though. He once was on the phone talking to me and a woman came in the background talking to him. The call dropped at that moment, or, maybe he hung up? Either way, I called him back as soon as the call dropped twice and he did not pick up. He called back 5 minutes later saying he was talking to his sister about something. It’s like you couldn’t answer the phone and say that!
It’s also crazy that we seem to only be able to hook-up during the day. We both skipped work last week to be together, since he’s always so busy with his sister’s kids in the evenings. I met him at a hotel near the city he lives in. At 3:30pm, the time he normally would get off work, he said he had to go take his son to practice and that he would be back to spend the night. I told him to take me to get something to eat before he left. He said okay, but he wanted to ride in my car. I said why not ride in yours since it was parked right by the door we were exiting. He seemed kind of nervous about that. He then quickly opened the door and grabbed some clothes out of the front seat. I noticed that they were his work uniform. I didn’t say anything about it because what if he was washing clothes and left them in the car. So, we go get food and he drops me back off at the hotel. I waited in the hotel until 10pm. He called back and said he had his sister’s kids again and to go ahead and go home.
I was upset and told him it was weird that he never can spend the night out. I asked him could his sister find a babysitter for at least one day out of the week. He got so angry and accused me of being selfish. He said his sister was a single mother and he was going to help her in every way he could. I find it crazy that their other adult sisters (3 of them), and mother, won’t help their baby sister out and he is the only one that helps. Who am I to dictate the help he gives his sister though? Maybe I am over-thinking things, which I am known to do.
I also don’t know how much time people are supposed to spend with their boyfriend in a relationship. How much are we to see them? (I grew up in a sheltered life so everything is new to me). He said that he can see me 2 times out of the week, but sometimes I don’t see him at all for a week. He always says he’s busy and that he has a life outside of being in a relationship with me. I don’t want to appear like I’m smothering him, so I leave it alone.
When I do see him, it’s sex and movie watching. I told him I don’t want our relationship to be just about that and we should go out on dates more. I don’t know what to make of this. He says he loves me and that I was created just for him. I feel loved, but I have a nagging feeling that maybe there is more going on in his life than what he tells me. I don’t know exactly where he lives, but he knows where I live. Every time I try and express my concerns, he gets defensive and mad. I don’t want to be the nagging girlfriend that I read online about so I try to not press the issue. Am I over-thinking? – Ms. New To This
Dear Ms. New To This,
I can’t. Not today. No, no, no, no, no!
Ma’am, please, by all means, use your intuition. Please! If something doesn’t sound right to you, doesn’t sit right with you, and doesn’t feel right with you, then, please trust your instincts. SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT WITH HIM!
You are 22 years old and in a relationship with a 33 year old man and you don’t know where he lives. Girl, really? A 33 year old grown ass man coming to stay at his 22 year old girlfriend’s house every time should have sent off some bells and whistles. Then, you’ve been dating him for 9 months and you’ve never met anyone in his life – his parents, friends, family members, co-workers, no one. You can’t be serious! He dips in and out of your life and visits you maybe twice a week, because that is the amount of time he says he is allotted to spend with you, but there are times you don’t even see him for a week. Ma’am, stop! And, then, he tells you that he is at his “sister’s” house at night watching her children, a sister you’ve never met, and a sister for whom he cares for her children at night because she is at work, and he feels that is his brotherly duty to step in and care for them because that is the right thing to do. Ma’am, sweetie, honey, those are not his sister’s kids. Those are his kids. The one child he told you about, well, just know that he has more, and he is lying about his children. And, that is not his sister. That is either his wife, or girlfriend. And, he lives with her, and that will explain why he can never spend the night with you. That is the reason why you never met his “sister,” or her kids. It is also the reason why he is never with you on the weekends, and that he only sees you during the day, and maybe twice a week at that. You, my dear, are the side chick. You are the clueless, not too bright, and very naïve side chick who can’t make two rights even if she tried.
He is playing on your maturity, and age. He is playing on your being naïve and sheltered life and not knowing too much about dating. He is using you for your youth, and feels good that he is banging a 22 year old youngin’. He is a scum bag. A low life. A dog. And, you can’t see through any of this because you are too blinded by his lies, the sex, and his bull-ish. You choose to sit idly by and not question, demand, or prevent yourself from being the girlfriend who is in the dark about a man she barely knows. Sweetie, you don’t know him. You know nothing about him, other than what he told you. How can he claim to love you, or you profess to love him when you don’t even know where lives, never met anyone in his family, and you don’t know any of his friends? Who is he? Really, who is he? Ask yourself, where does he work? How long has been there? How much does he make? Where are his parents and where do they live? Have you been to their house? Have you met any of his sisters? Why haven’t you met anyone who knows him? If he says he has a life outside of his relationship with you, then, how come you’ve never met any of his friends, or co-workers? What is his life outside of his relationship with you? What are his hobbies? What does he do for fun?
You see, Ms. Thing, you don’t know him, or anything about him. You’re dating someone you barely know. And, you’re giving yourself to him and having sex with him, and I bet it’s unprotected sex.
And, the weekend he went out of town for a family function, well, uhm, he didn’t answer his phone because he was with his wife/girlfriend and their children. It was a family function. You are not a family. Then, he told you that his mother doesn’t like when she’s in the car and he’s on the phone. Well, what about when they arrived? How come he didn’t call you back? How about when they made stops along the way? He lied to you and you accepted it. By the way, let’s be very clear, this man didn’t even answer your texts. Hell, most men who are cheating on their wives or girlfriends will at least respond to a text. He didn’t answer your calls, listen to your messages, or respond to any text. Therefore, he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t care about you. You are not special to him. You are nothing but a side chick, a woman he hooks up with when he wants to have sex.
Also, the dropped calls when you hear a woman’s voice in the background is his wife/girlfriend who unexpectedly walks in, or comes around when he is on the phone with you. And, he quickly hangs up the phone, and dismisses you. If he claims it’s his sister, then, why can’t he talk on the phone with her around? Why is it that the call drops? Why not call you back immediately?
You are not in a relationship. He is not your man. People in relationships go out on dates, meet one another’s family members, friends, and sometimes co-workers. They spend time getting to know more about each other, and they are honest with another. Dating a 33 year old man, you should know where he lives, where he works, who he lives with, and he’d be more attentive to you, especially if he claims to love you. He wouldn’t tell you that he can only see you two days out of the week, and, if he is that busy, then, he would make sure that he maintains an open line of communication with you. There wouldn’t be missed weeks without seeing him, or unanswered texts, and calls.
Ma’am, he’s lying to you. He’s running game on you. And, you are falling for his lies and game. Stop being naïve and immature. You are smarter than this. You know something is not right. Your intuition is telling you things are off, and he is not being honest and truthful. Ma’am, the man left you in a hotel the entire day, and didn’t call you until 10pm that night telling that you should go home because he was with his sister’s kids. Girl, if you don’t pull yourself together, and get a backbone! Put on your big girl panties and put him in check, end this relationship, stop being an unknowing side chick, and don’t allow yourself to be lied to, misused, and played for a fool. Tell him that he either introduces you to his family, his mother, and his “sister” he lives with, or, you are out of the relationship. Let him know that if he doesn’t introduce you today, not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, but today, and he has every excuse in the book why he can’t do it, then it’s over. Tell him that you needs to show you where he lives, and with who. You want to meet his friends, and be introduced as his woman. And, how many children does he really have? How many baby mommas does he have? If he can’t answer your questions without getting upset, angry, and mad, and if he doesn’t introduce you to any of the above persons, and he has an excuse or reason why he can’t, then, you are not his woman, and no one knows about you. No one knows you exist. End the relationship as soon as he says, “I can’t,” or “Why?” and, “What do you want to meet them for? And, why do you need to know where I live,” then, he is not the man for you. He is not your future. You don’t have anything special with him. End this today and move on. Stop answering his calls, texts, and allowing him to visit you at your home. Cut him off and move on. Hell, you should find out where the sister lives and do a ride by. Don’t go with an attitude, but go and check things out, and introduce yourself to his sister. I bet you will get the truth one way or another. – Terrance Dean
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