Bossip Video

Anxious African American woman frowning

Dear Bossip,

I met my fiancé right after college and I was 24 years old and he was 29 years old.

He’s such a sweet man, great cook, loyal, generous, hard worker, absolutely SEXY and he treats me like a queen. Boy, do I worship this man! I’ve never been in a relationship where it’s completely equal. He waits on me hand and foot and I do the same. He immediately started courting me and just in a short amount of time I fell hard. He’s the only child and was raised by his mother. He spoke so highly of her and his grandmother that it just made me fall for him even harder.

Over a 5 month span I started to meet his immediate family. Everybody was so sweet and kind and very welcoming, but they kept mentioning if I had met his mom yet. His cousin came up to me and was like, “Hey, have you met my aunty yet?” And, I was like, “No.” And he looked at my fiancé, then looked at me and said, “If you don’t love him, run now.” I asked my fiancé what that was all about when we left and he told me that his mother has always been overprotective when it came to him and women. He says that since he’s the only child she always felt like somebody is trying to take her son away.

Three months later, he decided that things were getting extremely serious and that I needed to meet his mother and grandmother. Once I entered her home she immediately gave me an attitude. The grandma was so kind, but his mother was not feeling me. The entire time over dinner she was making remarks about my clothing. She even asked me if I was a gold digger and if I was trying to trap her son. I made it very clear that I had my own money, my own career, and that I genuinely loved her son. She wasn’t impressed. My fiancé kept trying to big me up and she kept trying to tear me down. The only good thing about that night was her food. She’s an amazing cook.

Fast forward 2 years later, we bought a home together, but his mother still hates me. I’ve tried everything in my power to show her I care for and respect her. I tried setting up spa days, asking her to go to the mall, set up cooking classes and knitting class. I even heard she wanted to go on a cruise and I told her I would gladly pay for it. She accepted that gesture though. But, nothing else seems to work. I’ve never disrespected this woman, especially not to my fiancé, but she still proceeds to call me a b***h, whore, and a slut to anybody that would listen. My fiancé checks her all the time, but she doesn’t care.

He just recently proposed to me on our 3 year anniversary. He rented out a hall and my entire family as well as his was there when he popped the question. Noticeably absent was his mother. The next day I asked him why she wasn’t there and he told me that she told him that if he goes through with it and marries me she will be done with him.

Our wedding date is set for July 15, 2017 and I’m sooooooo excited. I feel for my fiancé because even though his mom hasn’t spoken to him since the engagement 5 months ago, he says he doesn’t care. I know he cares. I mean they had a great relationship before I came into the picture. I just can’t help but to blame myself. I have an amazing relationship with my parents and my parents adore my fiancé, I just wish I could have that with her. I really just want to reach out to his mother one last time for my fiancé sake. I talk to his grandma all the time and his mom even cut her out for sticking up for me and it’s crazy. I mean we are getting married and will have children in the near future and I would love for her to be a part of our growing experiences. Should I write her a letter? Ask the pastor to talk to her? I don’t know what to do anymore. – Ms. Hated

Dear Ms. Hated,

As Donnie McClurkin sang, “When you’ve done all that you can do, just stand.”

Honey, there is nothing else you can do. You’ve extended yourself, bent over backwards, let her talk about you, demean you, berate you, and walk all over you. Please do not make yourself a glutton for punishment for anyone, not even your fiancé’s mother. Hell, you even tried to buy her acceptance, and she threw that back in your face. Chile, never try to buy someone because they don’t and won’t appreciate it or you.

The fact is that this woman doesn’t like you. Point blank. And, it’s because you are taking her son away from her. He is her only child, and she is still trying to baby him, and control his life. Welp, he’s found someone else, and someone he wants to give his love to and share his life with. Therefore, if someone doesn’t like you, then so be it. You can’t make someone like you, love you, or accept you. She is mad, bitter, and angry that she can’t run you off, or control her son anymore. Her son has finally found a woman she isn’t able to intimidate or get rid off and she is mad about it. Let her sit in her anger, bitterness, and jealousy. Trust me, it has nothing to do with you. All this talking about you, dismissing you, disliking you, and hating on you is her own personal –ish. So, let her stew in it.

Stop trying to reach out to her and win her over. You’ve done that. For three years you’ve extended yourself. You’ve been nice to her. You bought her a cruise trip (Chile, I would have saved my coins. I’ll be damned if someone is calling me a b***h and whore, and refusing to talk to me, and I sit up and buy them a cruise. Hell to the naw!) Sending her a letter is not going to make anything change, or get her to call you and sit down and tell you why she doesn’t like you. Having the pastor talk to her will only make her madder at you, or simply ignore what he has to say. The woman didn’t even show up to her son’s engagement announcement. What makes you think you sending her a letter, talking to the pastor, or any other method will work? Hell, she won’t even listen to her own mother, so the hate, bitterness, and jealousy she is stewing in is something that she wants to sit in. So, let her sit in it.

I recommend that you stay away from her. Don’t engage her. Don’t entertain her. Don’t reach out. And, don’t call her. If you and she happen to be at the same event/s, then, I do recommend that you be cordial, nice, and speak, and keep it moving. Focus on your upcoming marriage. Focus on your fiancé and building a family. That is where you should giving your attention. Besides, your fiancé is creating a new family with you. A man who finds a wife will leave his own family and start his own. His mother has no say over him, what he does, who he can marry, and who he can sleep with. He’s already confronted her about her treatment of you, and he’s made up his mind what he wants to do. Therefore, let him continue to deal with her. Let him put her in her place. If she comes out of pocket to you by calling you out of your name to your face, or disrespects you privately and publicly, then, don’t sit idly by. Let her know that you’re both grown women. She can’t talk down to you, mistreat you, and berate you and not think you won’t speak up for yourself. You’re not going to be anymore of her b***hes or whores. You’re not going to let her bully and push you around. Either be civil, or simply don’t speak!

Stop stressing on why she doesn’t like you. She doesn’t. Stop wondering why she won’t speak to you or accept you. She won’t. Like you mentioned, your fiancé is her only son. She feels that she is losing him and that once he gets married then she will end up her like her mother and living alone with only the two of them. She is afraid that you are replacing her. You are taking her place and he will forget about her. She is worried that he will focus all his attention on you, and stop calling her, visiting her, and taking her out and doing things for her. She doesn’t have a man in her life, and she doesn’t have anything else to preoccupy her time. She needs a man, and someone else she can focus her attention. Hell, maybe she needs a hobby, and some friends. So, you see, there isn’t anything you can do to make her happy. Stop fretting, and stop begging for her to like you and accept you. Your fiancé has already done that, and shows his undying love unconditionally. He loves you. He treats you like a queen. He showers you with love and affection. He’s available mentally, emotionally, and physically. He’s happy, and you’re happy. Then, that is what you need to be worried about. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

Hiding In Hip Hop  Visible Lives 


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