I am 5 months pregnant and was with the same man for 3 years.
We had relationship troubles for over a year because I found him sexting other women. He does have a pornography addiction that has lasted over 15 years and he relates it to that. He has agreed he needs help and has started to reach out for addiction counseling.
Well, after we found out I was pregnant he was very supportive and even happy. He would become stressed when thinking about telling his family as they are very judgmental and extremely old fashioned. We are not married so this would be a shock to tell them. Well, after knowing for a couple months we finally told them that we are expecting and the only person who was accepting of it was his dad, who is a pastor. My fiancé told him that we have been engaged for 3 years (they didn’t know that either because we decided not to tell them until we actually decided to get married). And, he also told him that we are planning on moving in together and everything.
Well, instantly that night my fiancé turned his back on me because I got mad when he said he shouldn’t spend the night anymore so his mom won’t stay mad at him. Like a child isn’t making her mad enough. The next few weeks he continued to turn his back on me and became extremely distant. He never wanted to hang out or see me anymore and I didn’t know what I did because before telling them he was on my side. He then broke up with me a couple days later saying that he needs to refocus his relationship with God and that he disappointed him and his family.
Well, I checked our call logs on the phone bill and saw that he is talking with another girl on the phone almost 24/7 and he hates talking on the phone so I know it’s something. I confront him about it and he said they’re just friends. I later find out that she JUST turned 18 years old and graduated high school. He is 25 years old, and he is also her boss at work! Until this day he constantly denies it and says he has no feelings for her and doesn’t want to be with her, but I’m being told otherwise, by the guy that SHE left for my fiancé the second we broke up. My (ex) fiancé said that he didn’t want to be together now, but hopes it works out in the future and we have a family with our daughter who will be here in April.
I spoke with him the other day and he said that he doesn’t see his feelings changing anymore and that he doesn’t even think we need to spend more time together, even though we are getting along great. I asked if he saw it possible for our relationship to be given a second chance and he responded with, “I don’t know right now. I’m sorry.” I don’t know what to do because I really wanted our family to work or even give it a shot to see if it could work. What should I do? I haven’t talked with him in 4 days now, even though we just agreed that we are getting along great and our fights and everything were stupid.
I really do feel something is going on between him and this little girl, but he just keeps denying it and saying it would be toxic to get in a relationship right now while expecting a child. Deep down I know he has some feelings for me still, but I don’t bring that up because I know he’ll deny that too. Am I doing the right thing by not talking with him anymore? I feel terrible because I know have to when it comes to our daughter and the doctor appointments. But, I don’t want to be the one who initiates a conversation because he hasn’t bothered to reach out to me. Also, keep in mind just a few days ago he called me randomly at night to say hey and then texted me all night and I didn’t respond because I fell asleep. Then, the next morning, he texted me first to say good morning. But, later that day he was with her and then called me to say it’s nothing and that they’re just friends hanging out. PLEASE HELP ME! – Lost & Confused
Dear Ms. Lost & Confused,
It appears that he has moved on. Regardless of what he says about him hanging out with an 18 year old girl, and someone he manages from his job, and him saying they are just friends, something is going on between them. Why is a 25 year old man hanging out with an 18 year old girl? And, why is he fraternizing with someone who works at the same job, and he’s her manager/boss? That is a no-no. Employees do not fraternize and hang out with their bosses off the clock, or, hell, not even on the job. So, there is something going on between them, and he is not being honest.
And, I do believe that something happened, or a conversation was had with his parents about your relationship, which was the cause of him breaking up with you, because immediately after you told them that you were engaged and pregnant all of a sudden he has a change of heart and mind about your relationship. I feel that his parents said something and confronted him about your situation and relationship. I don’t buy that he got mad at you because you told him not to spend the night anymore in order that his mother wouldn’t stay mad at him. I really do feel that his parents, both his mother and father, had a long conversation with him about your situation:
1.) You were engaged for 3 years and didn’t tell anyone because you wanted to wait until you planned to get married. Uhm, sweetie, the engagement is the plan to get married, so why did you wait 3 years to tell them? Also, this means that he did not ask your family/parents for permission to marry you, and he had not “properly” introduced you to his family and made it clear what his intentions were with you and your future together. His parents probably feel that he is moving too fast, and that you are not the woman for him. Why would he not tell his parents for 3 years that he is engaged? Again, that doesn’t make any sense. Regardless if his parents are old-school, old-fashioned, and judgmental, the fact that you all did not respect them enough to tell them is what bothers them the most.
2.) Then, you show up and say that you are pregnant. You are five months pregnant, and you all wait to tell your families. Again, why wait? What was the hold up? I understand his family is old fashioned, and his father is a pastor, but you are damn near about to give birth and you don’t say anything to his family? That is backwards. Again, I feel that his parents are really upset that all this time they have been communicating and talking with their son and he never once mentioned that you were pregnant. That is a joyous occasion, and something to be celebrated. Yet, it has turned into a nightmare because you and your boyfriend thought and felt it was best to wait and not tell anyone for fear of what? I’m confused as to why you all were keeping things a secret.
I also have another concern which is the opening of your letter and you mentioning that your ex has a pornography problem/addiction, and you’ve often found him sexting other women. However, according to him, his sexting other women is related to his pornography addiction, which has spanned 15 years, and he feels he needs help. So, if you knew all this before you became pregnant, and before you got engaged, then why accept the ring and marriage proposal? Why not give him the time to work on his issues before moving forward and getting too serious with him? If he doesn’t have a handle on his own life, then how can he manage and build a serious relationship with anyone else? He needs counseling and therapy, and all you can do is be supportive of him, but be supportive from a distance. You jumped in head first because you wanted to be married. You felt you could change him, and fix him. You felt that if you stood by his side that he would see you as the dutiful girlfriend who did not abandon him like his other girlfriends, and you were the one who stuck by him and got the ring. But, at what cost? He was cheating on you with other women. And, though it was sexting, I’m sure there was something more. If he’s sexting other women, I’m sure those texts led to something else. But, lo and behold, your ex is doing the very thing you caught him doing before, and he’s doing it with an 18 year old girl from his job. So, he has not changed. He is not working toward resolution of his situation, or his addiction.
And, why are you tracking his calls? If you have to go through your phone records to see what your man is doing, and who he is calling and who is calling him, then you don’t have any trust in your relationship. You have no honesty. And, when you confronted him about talking with the girl practically all day he didn’t deny it. He is lying about what is going on between them, but he didn’t deny it because you had proof. And, quite honestly, why is he talking with her all day? Ma’am, your man is cheating. He left you while pregnant, ended your engagement, and gave you some bull-ish reason as to why he doesn’t see your future together. He is not being honest about none of this.
So, why not call up his parents and arrange a meeting. Sit down and have a conversation with them alone, without him. Talk with them and get to the bottom of what they really feel about you and your engagement and pregnancy. I’m sure his mother will be more than happy to state her true feelings. And, I don’t believe his father, a pastor, is really that supportive. I think he was being nice to you, but won’t really say what he honestly feels. I’m sure you will get some answers by talking with his parents, and also, discussing how to proceed when the child is born considering they will be grandparents, and I’m sure they will want what is best for the child. I’m certain they want their son to be a father to his child, which is why he told you that he is still interested in co-parenting, and being there for the child.
Then, I recommend that once the child is born that you go to family court and put him on child support, and get full custody of your child. You can make arrangements for visitations, and other plans for your child, but don’t let him off the hook. He has left you while you are 5 months pregnant, and ended your engagement. He didn’t give you a valid reason or excuse. Sorry, but he is a jerk. He is part of the problem of why things didn’t go over with his parents. He led you down this nightmare and he is a big part of the problem, so stop being so passive and forgiving. He is a loser. You’re going to have to develop a thicker skin and realize that he is going back and forth with you, and playing on your emotions and feelings. He is not being forthright and honest with you, and he is leading you on. Don’t play his games, because that is what he is doing. He walked out on you. He left you. He decided to end the relationship. You are going to have to be strong these next couple of months, and find a support system that can get you through the pregnancy and the birth of your child. Family, friends, and loved ones can be of great help during this time. I wouldn’t rely on your ex too much. He is playing into your emotions. You have to grow up, stop falling for his back and forth emotional game, and realize that you deserve more and better. – Terrance Dean
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