Sextra: How Do I Make This Work? My Husband and I Don’t Have Sex!

- By Bossip Staff

Hey Bossip,

First off, I read your blog everyday at work and it keeps me amused! I especially love your sextra posts. But unfortunately, I don’t get to try some of the great things you guys write about. I married my husband almost 2 years ago and I love him dearly. He is everything I need in terms of partnership and companionship. He is my best friend and I truly love him. But I knew when we were dating that he’s not the greatest lover. I thought that with time, it would get better but he doesn’t even touch me. And when I try to initiate some intimacy, he brushes off my attempts. It’s not like he really pleases me in the bedroom anyway but I at least want to encourage it. I don’t know what to do anymore because it’s starting to make me angry. I realize that sex is a very important part of a marriage, probably more so now than I did before we got married, lol. And I’m just not getting what I need from him. He seems like he’s perfectly content without it. What should I do?

– Confused

Tough one. But start off being honest with yourself. Have you changed over the years? Have you “let yourself go” or discontinued the pre-marital practices that were part of the reason he proposed? Somewhere along the line, you’re responsible for the sexual deterioration too! So recognize the part you played in it and take ownership.

Communication is key, so surely you’ve spoken to him about it. If not, ask him very specific questions. Are you still attracted to me? If so, how would I know? Why aren’t we intimate? Is there something I’m doing or not doing to keep you from showing me? Express to him how it affects you and your feelings towards the marriage. Maybe instead of trying to initiate sex, promote it. Hop in the shower with him unexpectedly, get in the bed wearing next to nothing and press your body against him. Take yourself back to when you guys used to have sex and what you did to turn him on. Naturally things change with time but that does not mean your sex life has to die! Plus you said he never really pleased you to begin with so there’s a lot of work to be done.

The marriage doesn’t have to end and you can work it out, but you have to be committed to making it work and so does he. With a blended effort, you never know what could happen! You guys could discover new things about each other and a healthy sex life could blossom as a result! Equal communication and commitment could smooth out the kinks, so start talking! Good luck!

What do you guys think? What should she do to revive her sex life?

Remember to send all feedback and topics to loveandrelationships@bossip.com

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Comments

  • WhoCares

    First?

  • http://www.k.com noelle

    I mean, that is the WHOEL reason I want to move closer to Draske, this hasd got to stop!

  • Angee

    He could be getting it somewhere else. If that’s not the case, he may have some other issues and you may have to go to couples/marriage counseling.

  • Alrighty Then...

    Obviously, there is more to their issue than simply “spicing things up”. I would just say that communication is key. A sexless marriage is not normal, nor healthy, unless both parties are in agreement that’s how they want to live…

  • The fwesh pwince™

    He’s prolly getting it better somewhere else.

  • T from DC

    Sexual Incompetence is a Disease; and by the way she writes her letter – he may be suffering from it. I think honest communication is important. By you telling your mate your concerns, what works/what doesnt you open a dialogue.

  • Alrighty Then...

    @angee – I agree w/ the counseling suggestion. It really does help understand things, especially when/if there is communication lacking in the marriage. The thing I found about being married, is that too many women and men expect their spouse to be a mind reader. Something is obviously wrong here, but if no one is talking about it, it will only continue, or get worse.

  • resurrected

    When your man is not plucking you then he is plucking someone else and can still be doing that when he is plucking you men rarely have moral or self- control, and they know how to pick up the most bucketheaded woman on there way down…

  • B

    he is either gay cheating or somehow got wind that you do not like how he puts it down in the bedroom and his ego is hurt>

  • Marquis de Sade

    I bet she proposed to him.

  • http://www.k.com noelle

    Trick ain’t even got a house, ugh. I quit.

  • Nique

    Well, you knew he wasnt great in bed from jump so when you married him, it was for better or for worse.My advice is just to tell him he needs to step his game up. Its a hard topic to bring up but you have to be firm and sensitive when stating what you want from him-as well as what he wants from you and what turns him on.Longevity in a marriage is communication.

    But in worst case scenario-find out if hes gay or bi

    Good luck

  • http://www.myspace.com/crimiegangmusik snoop bloggy blog ( T.G.I.F.F.)

    From what i here, once you put a ring on it, they no longer want to sing on it…..My mic that is…..lol

  • The fwesh pwince™

    lmao! @ Marquis de Sade

  • red trini

    Maybe he is Gay. on the downlow

  • http://www.k.com noelle

    They are not Reebok’s, are thewy? Ye isn’t that old..

  • THE TRUTH _ Pretty brown eyes

    @Alrighty Then…

    @angee – I agree w/ the counseling suggestion. It really does help understand things, especially when/if there is communication lacking in the marriage. The thing I found about being married, is that too many women and men expect their spouse to be a mind reader. Something is obviously wrong here, but if no one is talking about it, it will only continue, or get worse.

    YES BIG SIS I HAVE TO CO-SIGN ON THAT. COUNSELING REALLY DOES HELP ME AND HUBBY DID IT AND IT REALLY HELPED. IT WASNT FOR INFIDELITY ISSUES BUT OTHER ONES. WE HAD A BLACK FEMALE THEARAPIST AND I THINK IT MADE US FEEL MORE COMPFORTABLE.

  • Caramel Cat

    Honestly, he might just have a low libido. Most of the time women suffer from this but I’ve read that some men can suffer from it as well…

  • http://www.myspace.com/crimiegangmusik snoop bloggy blog ( T.G.I.F.F.)

    And pity f#cking is boring……*shrugs*

  • Angee

    @Snoop

    The counseling is just to open up the lines of communication that they may not able to achieve by themselves.

  • http://www.myspace.com/crimiegangmusik snoop bloggy blog ( T.G.I.F.F.)

    Like marquis de sade said they probably was compatible, and that’s why so many marriages are failing b/c people are marrying for the wrong reason….

  • http://www.myspace.com/crimiegangmusik snoop bloggy blog ( T.G.I.F.F.)

    * typo* wasn’t

  • THE TRUTH _ Pretty brown eyes

    @Angee

    @Snoop

    The counseling is just to open up the lines of communication that they may not able to achieve by themselves.

    THANK YOU ANGEE WELL PUT. SIMPLE AND REAL

  • CAT EYES

    Honestly, after only 2 years of marriage,you should be f*cking every day or at least every other day.something’s definitely wrong

  • http://www.myspace.com/crimiegangmusik snoop bloggy blog ( T.G.I.F.F.)

    The counseling is just to open up the lines of communication that they may not able to achieve by themselves.
    __________

    True…..but do you think that’s the reason why couples have sexless marriages?

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