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What’s up Bossip! I have a dilemma. It’s not quite as dramatic as some of the others I’ve read but I would like a bit of advice please! I’m engaged to a wonderful man. He’s educated, funny, good looking and best of all, he treats me like a queen. My issue is he’s always uses the n word and I hate it with a passion. It makes my skin crawl every time I hear him use that word. My parents were real sticklers about the use of this word when I was growing up and now that I’m an adult, I understand why they feel so strongly about it. They were actual witnesses to the civil rights movement and even recall having to use “colored” bathrooms as children. The history and pain associated with the n word should be enough for all African Americans to cease the use of the word! We should all ban it but that’s just my personal opinion. My fiance refers to his friends and family members as n words and I think it is appalling. He took things a little too far last weekend when my 9 year old nephew came over our house and he said “that n word is funny.” I took offense and he said that I was overreacting, but as smart as he is I just don’t understand why he or any black person uses that word, it’s ignorant. He knows it gets under my skin and finds it funny to call me the n word just to get a laugh. I’ve tried, with no success, to get him to stop using that word but I don’t see it ever ending. I don’t want to live the rest of my life and have kids with a man who will refer to our kids as n words. I’m not sure how to fix this, what should be my next move?

Hmm, interesting. First, thank you for writing in and sharing. This topic – as touchy as it is – is worthy of some discussion, but let’s address your issue. You were raised in a family that seemingly takes pride in the struggle and advancement of black people in America. The generation just before us remembers very clearly and/or experienced the horrors of civil injustice. All of which took place a short time ago and this should be respected by the generations to follow without dispute. Your parents feel strongly about the use of the “n-word” and, as a result, so do you. This should be respected also.

On the flip side, not everyone was taught that the “n-word” is negative and is often used as a term of endearment among friends and family. Some folks just don’t believe that the word is harmful, maybe because they mean no harm when they use the “n-word.” We can’t say that the black folks who choose to use “n-word” are ignorant. It’s unfair and, ultimately, a matter of preference.

This is hardly a deal-breaker, right? You prefer not to use the word while your fiance uses it on the regular basis. Clearly, you both feel strongly about it but have yet to meet somewhere in the middle. Surely, he knows very well why you reject the use of the term and he should respect that, but remember you can’t change him nor do you want him to change on your behalf. So how about this, stop trying to get him to abandon the “n-word!” Accept that he uses it but demand that he doesn’t use it around you, when referring to you, your family members and your children to come. If he truly cares, he’ll cooperate. In terms of his social use of the “n-word,” it is what it is so don’t sweat it!

Hope this helps! What are your thoughts Bossip Readers? Please leave your thoughts!

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